FWB Friends With Baseball

Still Friends.

Jailyn~

Standing outside of Christian's door, I fight the same battle as a few days ago, unsure if I should talk to him or not. My minor freak out before probably gave him even more questions than answers, not to mention probably freaked him out too. His face, when it happened, said it all. He's got no idea that I was at the therapist before I got home. He doesn't know it was more to do with that than anything he'd done. Therapy mostly just brought up stuff that I'd pushed back and been ignoring and moved it back up to the surface. Taking a breath, I find it in me to finally pull my hand up and knock a few times.

"It's open," He calls out, voice muffled by the wood door between us.

Letting myself in, I notice him sit up on his bed, one foot still on the floor, his other leg tucked on the bed. He'd been playing on his phone but put it to the side when I walked in. Making my way to join him on his bed, I pull my sleeves over my hands as I sit down.

"You cold?" he asks, noticing my little tick.

Glancing down at my hands, the pink knit sweater covering them in my lap, "No, it's just a habit or an anxious tick. Honestly, I'm surprised you hadn't noticed it before."

"We don't usually get much time together when it's cool enough for sweaters," He points out, which is true. "Hey, I'm sorry about before. I wasn't even thinking, and I didn't mean to freak you out like that."

A small giggle escapes me as I look back up to him, "I was actually coming in here to apologize to you." Christian looks confused a moment before I continue, "I just got back from seeing a therapist." He nods, brow furrowed slightly, "So a lot of things that I've dealt with and have been managing were brought back up and felt really fresh. You didn't do anything wrong; it was just shitty timing more than anything. Not saying I enjoy being grabbed like that, regardless, but it wasn't as big of a deal as it seemed to be right then. So I'm sorry if I freaked you out."

"You don't have to apologize for anything. It was my fault," Christian replies. "How'd seeing a therapist go?"

"Fine," I shrug, "It was my first appointment, it kinda didn't scratch the surface on most things, but I feel like I've got more things than most to have to scratch the surface on at twenty-one. It mostly just made me feel even crazier than I already had. I get it's a marathon rather than a sprint, but it still sucks."

"You're not crazy," Christian points out, a small chuckle accompanying his words.

"I mean, I know, it just doesn't always feel like that. Obviously, you know about my anxiety, but after Nick, I was also diagnosed with depression. It's never been anything like I want to off myself or anything like that, just that I get into these ruts and can't figure out how to get out of them. Usually, it's situational, but it just makes whatever the actual problem is seem like it's that much impossibly bigger."

"Is that what's been going on right now?" Christian asks.

"Yeah," I reply, looking back down at my hands.

"JJ," He says softly, "I can be here for you, and I want to be. We can work through whatever it is that you've got going on right now."

Taking a breath, I force a smile as I look back at him, "I really appreciate the sentiment, but I need to figure out how to handle things on my own. That, and I'm going to be more worried about you than I can be for myself, and I'm never going to be able to get through this. I love you, Christian, and that's never going to change, but you also deserve to be loved by someone who can love you just as much as I know you can love them. Right now, that isn't me, and I don't know how long it's going to be, if ever if that can be me again."