FWB Friends With Baseball

Do You Hate Me?.

Jailyn~

"Miss Jailyn James, how are you today?" Dr.Carter, who insists I call her Amy, asks. She's sat in a floral upholstered chair across from me while I sit on the sofa in her office, my legs crossed as I hold the pillow that had been in the place where I'm sat, on my lap. The office is warmly lit and has a very homely feel to it. I suppose that's just to make things seem more comfortable than they might be when talking to a therapist.

Taking a breath, I shrug, "I've been worse. My lone breakdown this morning has definitely been a step up from the several I usually have by now."

She takes note of the humor intended in my tone, "So, humor is a coping mechanism for you, right?"

"You could say that," I reply, "It's easier than crying all the time."

"That can be true," Amy replies, "Have you been to a therapist before?"

Nodding, I pick at the little strings on the pillow aimlessly as I reply, "Yeah, when I was eighteen. That was like fine, but I don't think she was the right person for me, and I only went about four or five times."

"What made you go then?" is her next question, as she leans back in her chair, adjusting her notepad slightly.

Chuckling, I shake my head, looking to where my hands were playing with the pillow string, "You're eager to get into my tragic backstory."

Amy chuckles, nodding slightly before replying, "We can start somewhere else. You've got quite the softball career behind you, in what, a year?"

"Yeah," I reply, "I guess, I don't really know how that happened. I just showed up to practice one day, and here's this opportunity to go to the trials in my lap. Now here I am with a gold medal, named as the All-Olympic Softball Team MVP, Team USA's female athlete of the games, and the year, along with now a bat deal and nearly two million dollar deal with Adidas. So, needless to say things have been a little crazy, but all in good ways."

"How are you handling all of that?"

Nodding, I purse my lips slightly, not completely sure how to answer. It's really not something I'm concerned about right now. "Fine, it's just very surreal and wasn't what my plan had ever been. While I've always thought of myself as a good player, I would've never put myself on that level, especially when I didn't play my senior year of high school."

"Why didn't you play then?" Amy asks. It's interesting how shrinks get you to open up and talk. All it really is, is just the right follow-up questions, but hey, it works.

"Being completely honest with myself, it was a couple of things," I reply, my brows furrowed slightly. "The program was very political. Since I didn't have any family active in the program, I didn't get much playing time, so it didn't really feel worth it when I'd quit. Yeah, I got a handful of scholarships to good schools, but I never felt like I really deserved them because I wasn't getting that playing time. At that time, I had my first boyfriend, and he seemed to have to make most of my decisions for me."

"How exactly do you feel he did that?" Amy asks, her brow furrowed now as we start scratching at some of my previous emotional trauma.

Shrugging, I hold the pillow to me, not playing with the strings any longer, "He was pretty shitty. He'd decided I was a slut, because of something I had told him someone told me was said two years before me and this guy were dating. At this time, I'd never dated anyone, let alone slept with anyone, so it wasn't a comment that I understood. That, and I never understood how stuck he got to it. He'd also had an issue with anything I did that didn't completely revolve around him. At the time, I was taking a course through Madison College; I ended up failing that because of how much time I had to spend with him."