We're more alike than you think

7. Therapy session

"Why are we doing this? Why am I here? I don't even know James, Sam should be the one sitting in this chair, they are the ones who always fight!" you said desperately, you didn't even care that you sounded like a child. You hated this. An empty room with two people you absolutely didn't trust. It was easier to hide your feelings behind a bottle of whiskey, but you doubted Dr. Raynor would be open to sharing a bottle together. Every bone in your body told you to throw the table at Dr. Raynor and just leave, but you knew James would get in trouble if you made a scene, and for some stupid reason, you seemed to care enough to sit quietly.

"Sam Wilson has already been here, while you were entertaining Mr. Miller" she said brushing off your childish behavior. "So, Y/n, you said that you didn't know James? That's not how he interprets your relati..." you interrupted her before she could finish that sentence. "I'm sorry Dr. Raynor, but I respect you too much to waste your time. You clearly have a lot of work to do with James, so I'm gonna leave" you said and stood up. James moved slightly in his chair before he opened his mouth.

"Stop it y/n." James said as he took your arm and pulled you down to the chair, all while staring at the damn wall in front of him. You rolled your eyes at him "Stop it" you said mockingly back, trying to sound like him. Dr. Raynor opened her notebook and you just waited for her to say something. You were trained not to talk, if she wanted to play this game, you had no problem with it.

"You know me, I know you, stop pretending" James said. You couldn't choose if it was the fact that he was not even looking at you while talking about you, or the words itself that annoyed you the most.

"Okay, Dr Raynor. I don't know the guy sitting beside me, but I once knew a guy who looked exactly like him, just longer hair and a different metal arm." you admitted.

"Tell me about him" she said and for the first time you could spot a very well-hidden smile on her lips, like she was proud that we finally were talking. You looked over at James, trying to figure out the best way to describe him, or rather the version of him that you once knew.

"A long time ago I met The Winter Soldier, that's that." Dr. Raynor lost the tiny smile she had on her lips and just ended up staring at you in disappointment of your behavior. You open your mouth again "This is unfair, this is James's therapy session, why am I the one who has to do all the ta..." before the piercing blue eyes interrupted you"Seriously y/n, is that all you have to say? about us? about how we met?" his voice sounded rough and swore. His eyes were digging deeper and deeper into your soul.

"What do you want me to say? You are not the same man I once knew. Yes, okay, I knew the Winter Soldier, you are not the Winter Soldier anymore, are you?" you said as you could feel your blood boiling up.

"You are ridiculous, you know that! No, y/n, I want you to acknowledge my and OUR existence. We spent over two years together. Is it so hard to get?"

The empty whole you had felt inside of you for a long time was not filling up with anger. Your hands formed as a fist, and if it wasn't for the fact that the blood rush of pain felt better than talking with James, you should've stopped a long time ago.

"It was my two years in hell for me James. What do you honestly think of me? You were brainwashed. I wasn't. You left and came as your missions happened. I had to live in between the missions, and I chose that. I chose to trust, be intimate and love a brainwashed assassin." you said before you stood up and lifted your voice at him.

"You have the privilege of knowing that every bad thing you have done in your life was controlled by somebody else, I have to live with the guilt of knowing I made every decision myself. I chose to torture, I chose to beat up and kill people. Many innocents. So sorry James, I will not look back at us with fond memories, and for your sake I hope you don't either!"