We're more alike than you think

22. Powerless

"So are you only gonna stare at me the whole night?" you asked when you stood in front of him. He looked away, already annoyed at you. You rolled your eyes, but tried to keep yourself calm and collected, for once you actually really wanted to talk with him. "Sam wants us to talk," you continued. James' face softened up a little bit. "Okay let's go" James mumbled before he grabbed your hand leading you back to the living room.

You felt an urge to walk straight to the alcohol when you entered the room, but you restrained yourself from it. You had already had more than enough and you had to stay sharp for later. You stood still in the room, a bit unsure about where to start or how to even go on about this. James and you had so many loose ends to pick up from that it was hard to keep track on it. You awkwardly turned around so you stood towards James, "so where should we begin James?"

It didn't take seconds before he groaned annoyed at you.

"Seriously James, I didn't even do anything!" you said and lifted your arms up in the air frustrated at him. You tried to have patience with him, that's what Sam and Steve had told you that the new James needed. He needed space and time, but patience clearly didn't work on him at all. You didn't like to be patient either, so by this point you officially had given up.

"But you did!" he said, looking at you with harsh eyes.

"Why do you keep talking to me like I'm a stranger to you? Why do you keep ignoring me?" he said as his voice kept on getting angrier and angrier for each word, "Why do you call me James!?"

You looked at him and tried to figure out what you had done wrong. Yes, you didn't hang around him a lot, but that was because he didn't exactly seem to like you and you were afraid being around him would confuse his memories. You covered your face with your hands. It was no kind way of saying what you needed to say. It was better to just rip off the bandaid.

"Because James, I don't know you. I knew the Winter Soldier. You didn't even have a name back then!" you said. He walked closer to you, but you stepped father away, making sure it was space between the two of you. You so badly wanted to trust him, but you couldn't.

"You really don't get it, do you?" he now yelled at you. He was angry, there was no hiding behind it. He must have held it in for a long time, cause you had never seen him like this before. "I remember everything y/n, I remember the bad, the bad things I did, that we did, but I also remember all the good moments we ha.." you didn't let him finish that sentence.

"James we had no good moments."

That was the last drop for James. "Stop lying!" he said and pushed you up against the wall. You didn't know what to say or do to calm him down. He was angry, but you could see tears falling down his cheeks. The guilt built up inside of you. He grabbed your hands above your head, clearly testing your limits. You swallowed and tried to breath.

"You were the only good thing I had" he whispered desperately. You had hurt him and however much you wished you could take it back, it was already done. "Don't tell me you don't feel anything." he said and leaned his forehead against yours. You closed your eyes and tried to collect yourself, but it was no way back from this. A tear fell down your cheek. His metal arm pressured you harder and harder against the wall. It hurted, but you knew you deserved it.

"Do it" he whispered against your lips.

You looked into his ocean blue eyes in fear. You couldn't give in. It was wrong. This was wrong. James was just too confused to see it. He repeated the command, his voice getting louder and louder.

"I can't" you whispered desperately out in tears. You were sure that if he pressured your hands anymore he would make a hole in the wall. "DO IT" he screamed to your face. You felt the blood leaving your arms and you felt less and less in control.

"BUCKY, I FUCKING CAN'T!" you screamed as you let yourself feel the vibrations from his metal arm, and without even thinking you altered the magnetic field and pushed him to hit the wall on the other side of the room. Everything made of metal went up in the air and down. You yelled in fear looking down at your own hands. They had red marks from Bucky holding you down. You let yourself fall down to the floor in tears.

This is what Tony had warned you against. Losing control. You felt like you had betrayed him. He trusted you and Bucky made you break that promise for a trip down memory lane. Your hands were shaking uncontrollably, causing the metal in the room to shake with you. Bucky got himself up and looked shocked up at you before he ran over to you and grabbed your hands. "Why are you hiding yourself from others?" he now asked in a much calmer voice.

"It's not that easy" you whispered.

"Then tell me, I deserve to know" Bucky said and brushed his fingers against yours. You felt your blood boil. Bucky didn't deserve anything from you, but you knew what he meant. He wanted to fill the holes from his time as the Winter Soldier to now, and you sadly were one of the few who played a part in it, so for your own best instead of attacking him you tried to stay calm.

"You think people are afraid of you only because of a silly metal arm, what do you think humans are for my kind?" you whispered low.

Bucky couldn't even look at you when you asked the question. He knew you were right, but he didn't understand how others couldn't see what he saw in you. He was blind to reality. "When I joined the Avengers Tony thought it was safer to hide that particular side of me" you mumbled looking down at your hands. They had stopped shaking, but you still were in touch with the magnetic field. You would lie if you said it didn't feel good, even if it scared you. Bucky let go off your hands and leaned into the wall.

"Of course, Tony thought that.."