We're more alike than you think

41. Pleasure in Pain

"Bucky I need to tell you something" you said while sitting on the corner of the bath. Bucky was examining the wound and hadn't said a world since the two of you sat down. He was only focusing and constraining on the wound. He already knew that he wouldn't like what you would be saying, and this way he could block out your words. "Bucky, I need you to stop, I'm fine" you said and carefully removed his hands from your shoulder. You needed his attention, you had to get it off your chest. He looked up at you annoyed before he took a bandage roll and stood up "No, Zemo didn't do it correctly. He should've put a bandage on it, but of course he didn't." He didn't even let you say anything before he took out your arm and started to roll it on you. You looked up at the roof, why did it have to be so complicated. You couldn't hold it in anymore, you had to get it out even if that would hurt for Bucky to hear, but imagining if Zemo said it instead of you was way worse. This way you at least controlled the narrative.

"Me and Zemo did it"

Bucky stopped for a second, before he continued, but made the bandage tighter and tighter on you, clearly getting his emotions out on you. He didn't say anything, leaving you in total silence. "Bucky, I need you to say something. Anything.." You said standing up and took the bandage from him carefully making a knot and put it away. Bucky stared at the floor. He was a broken man, long before he met you again, but seeing you at the military base with Sam the first time gave him hope. If you could get better, he thought he could. He had lost everything from his past, but not you. You understood him, and he being around you only reminded him of how much he missed you.

"Bucky, it was a mistake I never mea.."

More couldn't you say before his lips crashed against yours. The kisses were rough. You could feel his suffering on his lips as you fell back at old habits kissing him back. You could feel his pain and regret linger on your lips. You wrapped your tiny hands around his head. He carefully placed his hands around your hips. Your pulse was racing, your heart was pounding so much that you struggled to breath. You carefully pulled away from his lips, leaning your forehead against his. "Bucky, this is wrong" you whispered against his lips. A tear fell down your cheek. "I need to figure out who I am," you whispered. You wanted so badly for it to work with Bucky, but right now you were following the men around you blindly. You needed time to find yourself and understand who you are with your powers, not run away.

"But I can help you..I know who you are"

Bucky's voice was shaking as a tear fell down his cheek. You carefully wiped it away with your thumb. You shook your head and smiled weakly

"I'm a product of the men around me.. It was first my dad and then it was Tony."

Just saying their names felt like stabbing a knife into your own heart. You knew the pain would come, but it didn't mean it hurt any less. Irka was right, you had never given yourself a chance to master your powers and use them for good. You hadn't even given yourself a chance to find out who you truly were outside of them. It was hard to swallow, but neither Sam, Bucky or Zemo could help you, this was something you had to do on your own.

"I know it's a lot to ask for but I need you to take care of Zemo...I will be back as quickly as I can, I promise.. I have to go and meet an old friend" you whispered against his lips. Tears were falling down your cheek, but unlike before it didn't hurt anymore. These tears were out of relief. You knew what you had to do and even if you knew it wouldn't be easy, it still felt like a step in the right direction. "I can't promise I won't kill him" Bucky whispered back, both of you started to laugh low. You looked in his ocean blue eyes. The two of you had already come so far from the first time you met and now you just needed to take the finale steps. You looked back at the door and bet your lip

"I like him Bucky"

Bucky immediately let you in on a hug, his fingers sliding up and down your back. He didn't like it, but he understood. From the moment he saw you clinging up at Zemo in the meeting with Selby he saw that it was more than acting between the two of you, even if you denied it. How? It wasn't many years ago since he was in Zemo's shoes. He could see you started to struggle. He kissed the top of your head.

"I know, doll" he whispered and carefully let go of you.

You looked up at him and smiled weakly nodding to yourself. It was all a form of mechanism to stop yourself from crying again. You took on a new clean shirt. "Let's go.. Zemo is a piece of shit, but even he deserves to know you will be leaving for a while" Bucky said with a light chuckle. He walked towards the door and opened it up for you. You nodded weakly and walked out to see Zemo sitting quietly twiddling his thumbs. He stood up the second he saw the two of you. Bucky walked slowly over to Zemo standing right behind him.

"Y/n.."

"Stop Zemo" interrupting him before he could even start his sentence. You smiled weakly and straightened up.

"I just wanted to let you know that I will be leaving... for a day or two.. Bucky already knows Irka so you can stay for another day before the two of you go back to Sam. I need to have a talk with an old friend'' you continued. You could see the disappointment in his eyes as you said the words. You didn't understand this man, one moment he would throw a candle holder at you and threaten you simply for being you, then an hour later be sad that you were leaving. Guess you were a better room mate partner than Bucky, for him at least. You picked up your jacket and walked towards the door. "Who are you meeting?" Zemo asked as you stood in the door. You looked up at the boys one last time with a little smile.

"Charles"