Negative Stuff

I Try So Hard, But It's Never Good Enough.

They make me feel like no matter what I do, it's never good enough. I try so frigging hard, but they always focus on what I haven't done. I'm working on so many things this summer, and I have so many things I need to get done, but they make a big hissy fit over me not brushing my teeth tonight.

You know, according to the schedule I made (which has brushing hair going from zero to every day and increasing brushing teeth by two increments instead of one), I was supposed to brush my teeth yesterday night, but it was late or whatever, so I told myself that I would do it tomorrow morning. I'm horrible about keeping up with that, but I DID. I brushed my teeth this morning, just like I said I would! And I was so proud for that because every other time, I didn't keep my promise to myself.

But tonight, my foot and back are hurting, and yet they nag at me to brush my teeth tonight. When I told them that I was working up to brushing my teeth twice each day, my father even said there was no logic to that. Like, I'm sorry??? Thanks for making me feel like I suck eVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO---!!! I MEAN, GHOUL DARN IT, I'VE BEEN TERRIBLE ABOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH (as in zero), BRUSHING MY HAIR (as in zero), TAKING A SHOWER (as in 4 days without a shower max but never two days in a row), CLEANING (as in a small thing every week or so), AND EVERYTHING ELSE EXCEPT SCHOOL, BUT OH MY GHOULS, I'M NOT GOING STRAIGHT INTO BRUSHING MY TEETH EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT!!!

WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?!!! I'M WORKING ON BRUSHING MY TEETH BY DOING IT TWICE THIS WEEK, FOUR TIMES THE NEXT, AND SO ON AND SO FORTH, AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE BRUSHING MY HAIR EVERY DAY, AND I'M SHOWERING WITH ONLY ONE DAY BETWEEN - WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE WEEKEND - AND ADDING ANOTHER SHOWER EACH WEEK! AND THAT ALL STARTED THIS WEEK, THE WEEK WHERE I JUST DO WHATEVER THE FRIG I WANT!

NEXT WEEK, I'LL BE STARTING CLEANING AT LEAST ONE HOUR EACH DAY, DRIVING 1-3 HOURS EACH DAY, EXERCISING, JAPANESE PRACTICE, TRANSFERRING SH*T FROM CANVAS TO MY GOOGLE DRIVE BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S ABOUT TO BE DELETED OFF OF CANVAS, AND GETTING IN SOME FREE TIME AS WELL! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!

I'M TRYING SO HARD, AND DON'T F*CKING TELL ME "THERE IS NO F*CKING TRY" BECAUSE G*DD*MN IT, TRYING CREATES DOING, AND YOU F*CKING KNOW IT!!! TRYING IS THE PROCESS OF GOING FROM ZERO TO 100! YOU CAN'T JUST GO INSTANTLY FROM NOT BRUSHING YOUR TEETH AT ALL FOR--OVER A SEMESTER AND THEN MAGICALLY BRUSH YOUR TEETH EVERY SINGLE MORNING AND NIGHT (ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THAT BRUSHING MY TEETH CAUSES MY THROAT TO HAVE A BUNCH OF FLEM/SNOT IN IT)! THAT'S NOT--(huffs a sigh) It's called baby steps, and it IS logical.... In fact, what I'm expecting of myself is NOT logical because I'm trying to do/fix too much in too little time....

So excuse me if I got upset anD CRIED because I feel inadequate. Worthless. Unappreciated because I DO ABSOLUTELY F*CKING NOTHING!

Excuse me if I wanted to throw things because I was frustrated at not being heard. That all I could say in my defense would simply be retaliated at with sternness.

Excuse me for trying so f*cking hard and it still not being good enough for you.

Excuse me for living for you. Working so hard to please you.

I'd say that I should live for myself, but the truth is that even if I remembered how, I don't want to live. That what keeps me on this Earth is that despite it all, I know you care about me, and I know you'd be devastated if I were to kill myself, especially because of you.