Negative Stuff

Spiral and Change

I have not been doing well lately. I just hate myself. I feel like I'm just becoming worse and worse, more and more like what I never wanted to be.

I like positivity. I hate negativity. But lately, all I've done is complain. I can't seem to just... have anything good to say about my life anymore. I know I'm always saying I suck and want to die and all that to myself, but normally, I can find something good about my life beyond just "I like some people in my life" and otaku-related stuff.

And I know maybe part of that is circumstances. I hate UMSL, and I'm so anxious because I don't know how others think and feel. Do they really like me? Are they actually the type of person to support hatred? I feel like at UMSL, I can't be sure.

And even at home, it just feels like everything is falling apart.... My father's so wrapped up in his hatred of progressives that it feels like he's lost himself. He's no longer the patient, understanding man I always looked up to as a role model. At this point, my mom seems more happy than he does, despite that she still doesn't understand how terrible her parents are for her. I think it's because of people she's been hanging around like her sister.

... I want to be happy, too. I want to dive into the Lord's love and feel at peace. I don't want to care about how horrible the world is. I don't want that to ruin my life and my happiness.

... This all went downhill when I figured out I have borderline personality disorder. I've just been spiraling ever since. I'm realizing that I'm everything I've ever disliked, and I don't know how to fix it. I switch emotions too quickly, react too much to things. I'm pessimistic, judgmental, and rude.

... Come to think of it though, that's what I've always been taught, isn't it? Everyone has their faults.... I always thought my father was as close to Jesus as we could get, but that's just not true. I didn't see. I was simply blind to his bad side, for he didn't reveal it to me. I love my mom despite it all, don't I? So why can't I love my father, too? Why can't I love myself ?

Yeah, that's right.... I've always said that switching so quickly, so reactively, is a blessing as much as it is a negative. Sure, maybe people think that's weird and that I'm thus unreliable and hard to please, but... it's good for me. It's okay, for now. I just have to work on bumping my baseline up. That's all.

And the bitterness can be changed, too. It's new, not old like my reactivity, so doesn't that mean I'm more likely to be able to change it?

I need to stop focusing so much on the negative, and the guilt. And that's exactly what I'm planning to address with my therapist. So I need to relax. Yes, I'm broken, but I can put myself together, piece by piece, until I'm the best me I can be.

I can recover my undying, unconditional compassion. I can recover my optimism, too.

And I can do so while still holding to my desire for change, by focusing on the future rather than the past or present.

Yes, that's the best way to look at things. With your head held up high towards the future, towards positive change. Towards the you you want to be...