Negative Stuff

Guilt and Projects at the End of the Semester

I am depressed as usual. And ridden with guilt as usual.

My mom was whispering to my father, "-yet she can't even do five minutes." I assume she was commenting on the fact that I was rerecording everything, so that makes me feel guilty, but I want to rerecord things because they don't sound right! We're literally evaluated on our pronunciation! And I'm sure my peers are going to give me the feedback that my video isn't very high quality in "movie-making" again! I--! ... I hate myself.... I can't do anything.... I can't speak Japanese right; I can't make videos, and I can't even manage time.

It's like... the fact that I'll be spending so much time on recording my project is exactly why I can't do chores. It's already choppy because I record one line at a time. And it's one week until finals. Sure, I'll have a bit to do that week, so it's technically two weeks, but you can't frigging wait until then?

Like, I understand that she's stressed out, and I'm ticked about my father's siblings screwing us over as well, but can you wait until the end of the semester to put me down? I'm trying my best. I have a lot of projects due next week: 4 paintings and all my body paragraphs on Monday, daily Japanese, a discussion board post on a movie and two episodes I haven't watched due on Wednesday, the final project for Japanese due Thursday, and then on Saturday, 25 pages to read, another discussion board post, responding to two peers, and a quiz. The next day, Sunday, the course evaluations are due. My Japanese final exam is due Tuesday. And Wednesday, I have another discussion board post over an hour and forty-five minutes of videos. And somewhere in there will be ANOTHER painting project due - who knows how many - and my finished essay.

So I guess it's really about a week and a bit over a half until Winter Break begins for me.

... So yes. I am depressed and guilt-ridden, and I just want to sleep and write about the ship that should've been canon: Hideneki.

Because Touka sucks and cannot even compare to Hide. And I hate her. I hate her so frigging much because Kaneki should've married Hide. My Japanese script should be canon. (The latest one is Hide proposing to Kaneki. ... which means it's technically before the plushie one where Deku, Kacchan, and Todoroki hang out with Kaneki and Hide.) And Saiko should've been their child. ... I bet Touka didn't even frigging adopt Saiko. How dare she. Hide would've frigging done so in a heartbeat.

(The context: I have three phone calls in my script, so I was looking up images to use for those. It turns out that a "nervous" or "concerned" Hide is very rare, and fanart is now hard to find as well. ... Or maybe I just suck at searching--)

But I frigging want to bury myself in Hideneki. But I can't. Because I have a bunch of crud due.