Negative Stuff

Self Therapy: Analyzing me beating myself up over my digital messages

Every time I talk digitally, I get slammed with... I don't even know. Is it guilt?? Depression?? Anxiety??? Maybe a mix of all of 'em.

I over-analyze everything I send. I criticize it.

And then it feels like there's this huge weight in my chest, preventing me from breathing, and I get caught up in it.

How do I overcome this...?

I hate guilt.

I had such a good start to my morning, too.

It's not like the comment I made was bad or anything. - Or maybe I'm just pushing those thoughts to the back of my head.

Am I supposed to face those...?

Reading the comments I made, people might think that I don't think rape is wrong. That's the worst case scenario, right? Or that I'm trying to convince others of such a view. That would be the worst case scenario, right?

Is that legitimate? What makes me think this? What proof do I have of this? {Things my therapist asks me}

I don't want to answer those questions.

Okay, that's because I think it's legitimate.

What makes me think this?

Everyone was so confused. They were staring at me like-

They weren't staring at me. It's text. Their reactions beyond that are all your imagination. You know there are plenty of ways to read and interpret messages; the image in your head could be wrong.

They made it sound like-

You know you're terrible at reading between the lines. How do you know what they were thinking?

That's not good, either. Stop insulting yourself.

This is why I'm so hesitant to respond to people digitally. I beat myself up. I beat myself up every time I craft a message online. Why?

Why?

... I don't know.

No, you do know.

You worry about their responses. How they view your response. How they might view your response.

Why? Why can't I just wait until they reply before I start thinking about how they might be reading it? I can't even understand what they're thinking from their responses; how am I supposed to understand that from nothing??

Yeeaah, I think this is just worsening the problem....

Frig. How do I get the guilt to stop...?

I'm under a concrete ocean.

I want to reach out, but I don't.

I want help, but I don't ask for it.

I'm drowning, choking myself, but I won't let anyone see. Suffering in silence, darkness.

Alone.

And the concrete blocks just keep adding up.