Negative Stuff

Guilt (and... I don't even know)

I really struggle with guilt. That combined with my lack of sleep and stress about my art project is really... well, it's making me cry. So... I guess I'll write down I'm guilty about because that helps?

Umm... I'm guilty that I... don't reply to people. My emails - for the tutoring visit this month, the Vocational Services, whatever other emails are in my email - my texts - I still haven't responded to my frigging birthday wishes or the the Bible Study people, and I have plenty of Discord messages, I'm sure.

I feel so guilty that I said that this semester was going to be different..., that I'd learn how to manage the three classes I have now so that I can handle those with Anime Nation..., yet I still can't. And I feel guilty about not being able to do that.

I... feel guilty that I'm always... so slow on things. I haven't begun retyping He's My Property, and I...I still have a lot of stories to back up.

... I feel guilty about being on here (whether I'm responding to notifications, writing random messages [rants, notifications, etc.], or backing my stories up) when I should be asleep or working on my project, but I can't sleep, and... I guess I'm procrastinating on the project.

I... guess I feel guilty about what-no... everything I've turned in for Junior Comp so far. They're so half-butted, and I know it. I need to stop saying that "I don't care about urban life" or "I don't know anything about urban life." ... So I guess I feel guilty about every time I say that.

I... feel guilty that I didn't feed the dogs... this entire week, I guess. (My parents fed them instead.)

... Oh, right. My, uh... the person who's standing in for Dr. Anderson, I've been late to appointments and making appointments.

...-I feel guilty that I still haven't finished the bins in my room.

Oh, right. I feel guilty about... my inappropriate thoughts. I feel guilty about writing smut, but I also feel guilt about NOT writing smut.

I feel guilty about not praying the past week and not reading my Bible.

... I feel guilty about spending so much time in the bathroom. Yes, I'm spending more time on my 3DS than the limit I set, but I can't tell whether I'm done or not, and... the past two days, I should've spent longer because I clearly wasn't done. (Of course, it starts coming out as soon as I decide to get up.)

Etto... I feel guilty that I haven't been reviewing the blocks with my parents.

I...I feel guilty about frigging everything. Not watching the videos I saved despite that that's a personal thing that literally does not frigging matter; I can watch them whenever, and I'm still watching SOMETHING I want to watch while I eat.

... I feel guilty about feeling guilty. A lot. Like about not writing smut, not watching the videos, etc.

I feel guilty about buying the white transfer paper because my professor said that wouldn't work well for later projects, and it's my parents' money, not mine.

I'm just crippled with guilt.... A lot of them don't even make sense. I listed some of those, but...

... That's strange. I do feel like a little bit of the weight's been taken off.

... To be honest, I really just wish I could just catch up on sleep. I've been having so much trouble sleeping....

Oh, and I feel guilty about feeling depressed now after I reported to my psychiatrist? that the medicine seemed to be working.

And I feel guilty about upping the dosage. I should've said "Are there any reasons that I shouldn't?" rather than being like "I don't see why not" and hoping she would then list any reasons "why not."

(sighs) I really think it's probably that medicine that's making me so unable to sleep.... I need to get back on 20 mg.

... How am I supposed to list everything I feel guilty over...? Especially with my memory... Even the silly things or ones that I don't feel too guilty over?

I FEEL GUILTY OVER EVERY SINGLE THING I DO, EVEN BREATHING. THERE.

... It's sad to realize that that is actually true. ... Wtf is wrong with me, and how the frig do I fix this?

Oh my ghouls, I actually do feel guilty over everything I do. I feel guilty over doing well, but I also feel guilty about any mistakes I make, and the same goes for every other opposite pair. It may be less, but it's...there's still guilt....

... I need to talk to my therapist. The question then is, do I wait for - oh, I feel guilty because I haven't seen my therapist. ... Because I prefer in-person, so I'm waiting for them to return to in-person, and I stress out about time anyway.

Yeah... I'm gonna make another appointment.... Especially with Anime Nation starting soon, and I do prefer my normal therapist over my university's services. I don't know.... It's just-...and I feel guilty about that, too.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING THAT I DON'T FEEL GUILTY OVER??? Something I do in a game? No. Something I dream about! ... Nope. Well--No... Uhhh... Something about my appearance! ... Yeah, I don't feel guilty about having brown hair. ... Does that count...? Do I feel guilty about--Yes... ... (sighs) I'm not going to come up with an action, am I...? Something I think about...? I... don't feel guilty... about... thinking that... yeah, no, there's nothing. There is nothing that fits in that sentence. Holy cow, not even loving my parents.... .

.

.

WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHEN THE F*CK DID THIS GET THIS BAD???

But I do have one: loving God. ... Right? RIGHT???

Okay, now I'm doubting myself again....

... I need help. I need a LOT OF HELP.

... I should -... You know what? Screw it; I don't have to (starts slowing down as I start thinking of refutes) retrace my... lines.. and... No, no, no, no, you can't do it. You're not going to be able to do those lines nicely enough, so yes, you don't have to retrace them. Just tape down the dogs. That's enough, isn't it? You worked hard, didn't you? You're terrible at tracing and cutting!! That's a pretty dang good job for your lack of abilities!! If he gives you less points for it, he gives you less points for it. Who cares? AS LONG AS YOU GET SOMETHING IN, YOU WILL PASS. That's true, isn't it? You usually get A's, don't you? Sure, not doing your best is new to you, but your grade shouldn't plummet simply because you stop trying your hardest. You'll still pass. ... Right?-Stop doubting yourself. If you don't pass, big deal; you can take it again next semester and make sure you pass. Your other grades will balance those out so that you won't lose your scholarships.

SO STOP BEING A PERFECTIONIST. DO THE WORK. GET THROUGH IT. DO THE BARE MINIMUM. YOU! CAN! DO! THIS!!!

And when it comes to research for your essay, JUST. SKIM. Do not print them out; do not take extensive notes of every single frigging thing (unless it's a short, list-format thing). YOU CAN SAVE THE PDF OR WHATEVER FOR THE ORIGINAL WORDING.

Yes. Yes, I can do this. Chill, girl. Calm down. Be positive. AND PUSH THROUGH THE B.S.!