Negative Stuff

My Brother('s Videos)

My brother is so frigging annoying.... He is literally screaming something about "public masturbation" and "hot chick" repeatedly (recording himself for Instagram or something), and then he laughed like he thought it was funny. Like 1. That's disgusting, and I don't want to hear about that. 2. You're being annoying and obnoxious. I can literally hear you from downstairs, so knock it off. 3. You're looking like a fool online. If any future employer saw that, unless they're just as stupid/heartless/something else, they would not hire you. (He also posts negative things about his work, which also does not look good.)

You know, he said a while ago that he was a "sh*t poster," and explained that that meant he posted things to annoy people, and I just really don't get that. Why would you want to annoy someone? Why would you enjoy hurting/frustrating/etc. other people? You feel negative feelings plenty, don't you? So why would you want to make others feel those same negative feelings??

Like, I get that I'm probably annoying a lot of the time. I'm a talkative person, and I don't communicate very well. But I never intend to hurt or bother someone, and I definitely don't post something just to aggravate someone. (Now, I may post something that probably won't be well-received to get my voice heard, like replying to a thread of mostly Iruma x - uhh... what was her name, frig... school president. Ama...Ama... Amari? Ameri!! That's it - with something like "I can't believe no one's said Azu-kun x Iruma!!" and since someone else had mentioned Clara x Iruma, I added that Clara x Iruma was still better than Iruma x Ameri in my opinion. But I try to emphasize that that's my opinion.

Another time is when I'm complaining about - ... actually, anyone that I don't like because they get attention-- [i.e. Levi, Inko, Sebastian, etc...] I try to keep that somewhat controlled, but I do occasionally comment my opinion of them. That's just kind of... me letting my frustration out. I don't do it with the intention of frustrating others. I mean, come on, most of the fandom likes them. I'm one of very, very few that actually don't, so why should any of their fans care about me not liking them? I'm petty, and I need to work on that; that's all there is to it.)

And if I find out that I have bothered someone in some way, I will usually apologize. (Sometimes, that may take a little bit of conversation because I may not immediately, fully realize that I've bothered them, but I will usually apologize at some point.)

Every single time I say something that I think may bother someone, I immediately feel guilty and overthink it. (Not that there's much I can really do once I've said it, but...)

So I really just don't get how someone could say something specifically to tick someone else off.... I don't get a lot of the things my brother does (i.e. leaving wrappers on the counter when the trash can is less than a meter away, his clothing organization style, etc.), but him enjoying others' turmoil... really frigging ticks me off. I mean, he has laughed multiple times because he was upsetting me.... He might even be worse than the people that bullied me in school. And to think that he's treating others like that, online or otherwise... it's just... frustrating. I don't know how he can't understand the pain he causes....

I mean, at least I know I have issues and want to fix them.... No, I can give as many excuses as I want or argue that my brother's worse as much as I want, but there's no denying that I have lots of issues I need to work on, and the truth is that I don't really know what goes on in my brother's head. For all I know, my brother does think hard about what he says (... although I'm pretty sure he doesn't, actually, because his diction sucks-- His communication is even worse than mine, I think. But it might not be fair to compare the two of us because he never really... was good at school in general, including English).

However, even if my brother does have the same obsession of his words as I do, I don't think he fully understands what he's doing wrong, or maybe he doesn't want to fix it, or maybe he doesn't think he can fix it; I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with him. I really, really think he needs a therapist or something though. His anger issues, his... confused understanding of right and wrong, his... lack of thinking (which goes in with the whole clothes organization mess and stuff), etc.... I don't know why he isn't willing to figure this out, improve, whatever.

(sighs) I don't know why I'm always so tired.... Oh, I haven't eaten lunch yet, have I...? That might help.... I think I'm irritable.