Negative Stuff

Stop Treating Me Like This/Communicate Appropriately

I don't like feeling stupid. I know I call myself an idiot practically all day, but having people treat me like I'm less than them, like I'm stupid and/or ignorant..., it just hurts. It really does. I'd rather they just call me an idiot rather than look down on/belittle me like that. And I don't know how to communicate to them that I'm not stupid.

My cheery disposition and optimism does not mean that I'm an ignorant idiot. Sure, I'm not great socially, but I'm improving a lot, and I'm not as clueless as I seem. I also don't view society as this beautiful thing.

On the outside, I look happy and ignorant, but on the inside, I'm dying. I'm a pessimist, my old optimistic side becoming timid. I insult myself all day. And I just wish the pain would stop.

I don't know why people act like this in-person. People seem to be a lot gentler with me online; it's much more of a we're-helping-each-other-out-as-equals or I'm-just-trying-to-bash-you. There's none of that implied "heh. You're so lower than me, and you don't even know it, but I'll just let you make a fool of yourself." That's how I feel that they view me. Like I'm just helpless and ignorant.

And I don't know if it's my autism, my cheerfulness, or what. Do they think I'm incapable of improving, understanding, or something? Or is it that I'm too optimistic for them? Because neither is the case. Yes, there are some things that I just can't understand, but those are horrible acts that I don't even want to understand. And what is wrong with that? I may not be able to understand some intentions, but I can usually understand other things if you just explain them to me. I can also improve, and I have a pessimistic side that I rarely show in public. The only glimpses you get of it are the strained looks in my eyes, me cocking my head at an odd angle (a physical expression of suicidal thoughts, although I do also cock my head in confusion, but I think there's a clear distinction that you'd be able to tell if I told you that cocking my head could be me imagining hurting my throat in some way), and doing autistic things like rocking and messing with my hands.

I hate myself. And I hate myself enough that I don't need other people to belittle me because I already do that plenty. ... I wish people would understand that. I wish people would stop trying to hurt others. If you just have positive intentions, isn't that enough? (I'm talking communication-wise.) If you accidentally offend someone, that person can politely tell you that you offended them and why, and you can apologize. You're bound to offend people, so rather than trying so very hard to crack down on offensiveness, why can't we just live our lives trying our best to communicate, apologizing when we've hurt someone, and trying our best not to repeat a mistake?

And I know I'm not perfect at that either. I'm emotional, and school is a setting where I'm easily offended. I feel like I can't really speak about what I'm offended by though (I really don't know what I can and can't say), so I end up bottling it up inside instead of communicating (or sometimes come up with a response later and feel too awkward to bring it back up the next time), which means that those people don't really have the chance to apologize and make changes. But I almost always apologize if I know I've hurt someone. And I try my best not to repeat those mistakes. I know it may not seem like it, but I do. Part of the reason that I struggle with that could be that people aren't explaining why it's offensive to them. When they explain why, I can apply it to other statements, situations, etc. If they don't, I just know that something I said offended them. A lot of the times, I can't even narrow that down to a statement. That's why I try to ask people to explain to me why it was offensive and otherwise look for feedback. I'm trying my best, so why can't others?

Why is it that some people recognize how hard I'm working while others seem to emphasize that they think I'm below them? I'm not stupid. I may tell myself that all day, but I'm not even horrendous in social skills anymore. Sure, I'm not good; I don't think I'm really even average yet, but I'm not so stupid in that area that I can't function. ... I just wish I knew how to apply that knowledge. I can somewhat pick up on how people feel about me, (or maybe that's just in my head,) but I don't know how to communicate to them, to ask them to stop, to tell them that I'm not completely oblivious of how they feel about me.

Do I have to be the best in the class in order for them to respect me as an equal? I feel like my Japanese teachers and classmates actually respect me, but elsewhere, I just feel... like the smallest student. Some of the professors make me feel that way, too. What do I have to do in order for them to understand that I function just as fine as they do? Maybe my creativity isn't as good as it used to be, but I'm not helpless. Maybe I'm silly and random, but I'm not stupid. So please, please just stop treating me like I'm some child who doesn't understand anything.... I had enough of that in high school. I thought it would be different in college.... It's not.