Negative Stuff

To My Parents: It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is to me.

I know it's stupid. I've dealt with that my whole life, that my feelings don't match the situation -- that they're exaggerated. It shouldn't be a big deal. I know.

But I can't help how I feel, so can you not... knock me down...? I'm being vulnerable, telling you what I'm struggling with, and you... you don't take it seriously. I'm asking you a genuine question, and you... have to make all these side comments about how silly it is before you even attempt to answer....

So what if it's "superficial"...? Most people worry about superficial stuff a lot more than I do, and those affect their behavior in big ways like spending hours on how they look or only looking at people they find attractive. Am I not allowed a few superficial concerns...??

Don't mock me. Don't mock me for thinking penises are better than vaginas.... They're a lot easier to stimulate, and to reach satisfaction, and you can aim with them, and they're versatile, and more tangible.... There are lots of reasons that I'd prefer to have a penis, so I'm insecure about how penises are so much better than vaginas. I expect disgust at this from some DGO individuals, but I don't expect this from my own parents.

So I'm foolish. I'm perverted. I'm an absolute... frigging obsessed with sex. But like I said, I've been looking up multiple things. The gender differences in orgasm is just one part of a bigger doubt: does God prefer men? That's what really causes me pain to wonder.

I don't want people to treat my insecurities like jokes, especially the people whose opinions I value most.

I may laugh, but do you see my eyebrows furrowed in hurt...? Do you hear the wryness in my chuckle...? Do you not realize how much you hurt me with such... responses?..

This is why I hold back from you.... You aren't the best support when I'm really struggling. When I'm conflicted. When I'm tearing myself apart..

I'm finally trying to change my life around, addressing the doubts I've been too afraid to face and trying to let go of my wants and desires, and... you act like it's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

I may never get the answers to my questions, but I need enough to convince myself.... These doubts are what hold me back from God.

I'm not good at... applying something that I don't understand....

I need to explore these. I don't have any other option. They may be silly doubts, but if they're keeping me from God, they're important problems that I have to solve.

So don't tell me not to search for answers. If I can't talk to you guys about it, who am I supposed to talk to?? The internet is my best source. Even if it makes me depressed day after day until I figure it out..., it's better than me destroying myself on the inside every day. I've been suicidal for too long, and if I don't get rid of these things that suffocate my soul, I'll never get rid of my self-hatred.

If you want to treat my hesitance as foolish, fine. You're pushing me away from you by doing so. But I'm not going to let that keep me from running to God.