Negative Stuff

Struggling

I have not been doing well honestly. I've been more irritable and tense than usual. I literally can't get my throat to relax, and I've been snapping at every little thing. I've been thinking 'I can't do this. I can't do this right now.'

I was just really aggravated with my brother because he half-*sses things. I was hoping that he could help me clean up after our dog that gets poop everywhere, but he barely did anything. I needed him to help me because cleaning a dog is a two-person job, but he did more complaining than helping. Even at the beginning, he wasn't even holding her right. The way he held her was surely rougher on him, but it also made my job - cleaning the dog - harder.

But I can't say anything, and I know that. I'm terrible about doing what I'm told, too. If my mom was in my position, and I was in Christian's, I would've wanted her to wait a bit. If I'd just gotten home like Christian had, I would've had to put all of my things away before I could help. If I was in the middle of something, I would've wanted to finish.

So I don't know why I get so angry at him when I'm not any better.

Especially when I've been relaxing the majority of the past few days. ... Even though I have a project due that I haven't even started on. I got the Resume & Cover Letter finished a lot quicker than I thought I would, and I've got a steady start on my Japanese script, but my main concerns - my 3D burlap project and the research for Abnormal Psych - are still unfinished. The former, I haven't even started on. And I also haven't done any work in my room.

I don't understand. I don't understand why I can be so peppy and excited, and then later, it's like a doom cloud is surrounding me.

I wish I wasn't like this.

I wish I knew how to stop this. The self-insults, the emotional responses...

I hate negative emotions. I hate being rude, hurting others' feelings, etc....

So, why can't I just be the person I want to be?