Negative Stuff

Brother: Accident after Accident and Me Trying to Push Depression/Guilt Down

My brother just got in yet another accident. He still hasn't even paid off the last one, which was a week or two ago. Before that, he's been in many others - all because he isn't paying attention, is speeding, etc.. They've all been minor, but you'd think he'd frigging learn.

When I got into my accident, it shook me up. I felt horrible, even though no one got hurt. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew that I couldn't be indecisive like I was, and I also made the change to start practicing the accelerator more so that I wouldn't keep the habit of just slamming my foot when something wasn't going right.

If you get into an accident because you're speeding or not paying attention, doesn't that press you to not continue that?

Is he going to get hurt before he learns? Or hurt someone else?

I just... today's been horrible. And I wish we humans learned better than we do. Because I, too, repeat stupid behaviors, like spending too much time on homework and not doing what my mother asks. I hate when she's upset, yet I still do the same sh*t. I just can't seem to f-ing learn.

Or how about wasting time the past two or three days? (sighs) Calm down.... You can't do much more than you've already done. And not all of it was completely wasted; you developed and studied your Japanese lists. It's not all your fault.... And don't tell yourself that you should've quit the Storytelling course when he sent out the email about it being difficult. It's easy to say that in hindsight, but difficulty isn't a big deterrent for you, and how could you know that he actually equates storytelling with lying? The only hint of that was that he was a four-time winner of a "Liars" contest. He wasn't the one who named it that, and there aren't many good options in the Honors College for you. You have to deal with the least worse courses, and you thought you could deal with someone who uses weird lingo as opposed to someone who has a completely different moral system. You didn't know that he was both.

And you're not good at knowing who to talk to, so don't say that you should've emailed them all at once. Emailing Michael-sensei was pretty much a waste of her time, right? And that's exactly why you wanted to email one at a time. So you're compassionate. That's not a reason to beat yourself up.

You working too hard isn't a reason to beat yourself up either. Screw everyone else. You're doing the best you can. They need to stop bashing you when you already bash yourself up over the same things. It's okay to make mistakes. You can afford those mistakes right now. And you're learning, slowly, how to work less. You used to take forever on writing homework, remember? Now you're not even perfectionistic about kanji! You used to write notes on every single word, remember? Now you know to watch it through once, then write notes later when you have the time. Now it's just a matter of applying that, and eventually, you'll get into that habit. And less brainstorming would help, too. The professor said it didn't have to be a great project, so don't worry about it; just come up with something and GO for it! Eventually, won't these changes make it so that you do have time?