Turning Table

Part 33

***The past beats inside me like a second heart**

🌹Rossetta🌹

You wake up one morning and ask, "What happened?" It seemed like just yesterday that your precious son was cuddling in your arms smiling up at you and giving off those precious cooing sounds that forever melted your heart. And now, 26 years later, you find yourself at odds with him, arguing over anything and everything.

Hate is a strong word. Defined as "feeling intense or passionate dislike for someone," the description of hate is anything that resembles the child you nurtured, loved, and cared for all those years, and nothing exemplifying the grade school kid who would run home to show you that he could write out his ABCs.

"Give him time!"
I held on to the table, as my mother ran her hands on my back
Me: I can't do this...ma, nothing I say or do is getting through to him "
Her: you last saw your son when he was just a boy, he's a man now just think about all those year's he spent without his parents all I'm saying is that get to know him and create that mother and son bond"
Me: it's hard ok!! Maybe I'm not cut out for this... To be a parent!! "
Her: first and foremost  change that attitude and be patient...now wash the dishes please "

She walked out and left me in the dining room, I look around this house that I once called home but it feels so cold now, these walls are so unfamiliar to me... They say Christmas is time to bring families together but I'm just hating every moment.

Zuko is his father-son, he is not afraid to talk back and that temper he displayed showed me that he has huge anger management issues,

After washing dishes, I took my car keys but stopped by the door as my phone ringed
Me: Muntu "
Her: your husband is in town "
I drop my mouth as I felt my heart beating in my throat
Her: I know you went to see your mother and son, for their own safety get out of there now "

I felt my blood gets cold as I saw my mother walking towards me with black and white roses,
Me: I need a gun and I need man to protect my family"
"Consider it done... Come straight to my house!"
I dropped the call

Mom: I found this by the gate they have no card or what's so ever "
Zuko looked at me it was like he read my expression

"Nigerian cartel wife drops in our doorstep and we found expensive black and white roses on our gate, now is that a coincidence?"
He said folding his arms
Mom: what are you trying to say these flowers are from Oyama?"

I looked down,
Me: I have to go"
Ma: Rose...my child no!"
Me. Ma I can't stay here... if he is out there..." I held my tears but they dropped down my cheeks, Mom tried to hold me  but I just shook my head, I looked at Zuko

" I'm sorry," I said to him, He clicked his tongue and walked back inside the house,
My mother just cried holding her mouth, looking at my car drove out...
Another Christmas lost
.
.

🌹Liyana🌹

Samukelo hijacked me from helping my friend moan her father... Not that I was doing any good job at it anyway, I mean LT never shows any emotions I'm not sure if she is hurt, heartbroken, depressed, or what? I do no expect to grief but I know that people grieve in different ways, and with LT, my friend got me thinking she is somehow relieved or very mad that her father is gone.

I was tired of trying to console a semi- grieving friend that I resorted to agreed to spend the day with Sam, he took me on a drive around the coast, we talking, listening to music, grabbing food on a go and I must say I'm having a good time.

Him:...I don't work for Ms. Rose but we partners "
Me: so you telling me you did mechanical engineering and worked as security to pay for your fees?"
Him: bouncer "
I laughed " yes bouncer and one day you just decided to open up your own company that caters to security and security system for clubs and hotels?"
Him: ya!"

Me: why do I find that hard to believe?"
Him: wow are you calling me a liar?"
I laughed
Me: No but tell me something, why are you always at the club Mr. I own my own company? "
Him: to monitor my investment!"
Me: or just to look at half-naked women"
I bust out and laughed while he just sides smile,
Him: I'm more attracted to a woman with their clothes on Liyana than half-naked women "
He said looking at me, I just smiled and looked down

Me: your girlfriend must be pretty understanding that you work in such a place? "
I'm fishing and he can see right through me,
Him: I guess your boyfriend must be too"

I looked outside the window,
Me: I work two jobs I don't have time for relationships"
Him: Liyana now that, I don't believe"
Me: honestly I don't get guys, maybe it's me angazi. I am at a stage in life where I think and look back that all the guys I have met have never wanted to be in a relationship with me. I  mostly question myself if there is something wrong with me? I just feel I’ll never find someone who will truly love me, would want to be with me and that I’ll also have the same feelings for him. . . it's just complicated"
Him: maybe you just searching in the wrong places... "

Me: urg it does not matter now, I had high hopes when I kiss a guy I was crushing but he just turned around and ghosted me, I said fuck with this shit I'm done "

He looked at me for the longest time making me feel way too uncomfortable,
Him: I don't think that the looser that ghosted you is the real reason you are single or have such hate or doubt when it comes to love, if I heard you correctly you spoke about past relationships, I believe you learned that love should constantly feel like you exist to serve someone else’s needs, and never express your own...that love feels like not being able to trust your partner, but not trusting yourself, and so never felt sure of anything.

You experienced intense cruelty, then intense relief in the moments the explicit cruelty stops. You learned that love feels like you’re constantly chasing someone like you’re auditioning for someone else’s approval like someone else has the power to decide your worth. I'm not sure if it's your longing for safety, respect, affection – and never receiving them. You learned that love is never feeling loved back. You learned that you do not deserve love, and should be grateful for any attention you get. . . These lessons were wrong, so wrong. But they’re what you know...you have invested your energy in other people’s needs before. Do it for yourself, now. Invest in friendships, creative pursuits, hobbies that make you happy. Remember what happiness feels like, cherish it, so you won’t let someone steal it from you."

Me: wow "
Him: I see you Liyana I just hope one day you will see yourself too"
I nodded I did not even realize that we are outside my house until the car came to a halt,

I was quite as well as him, no man has ever spoken to me like this, ... I'm conflicted on what to do next, 

Him: I had fun..."
Me: me too"
I pressed my lip together and ran my eyes around the car,
Me: ooh by the way thank you for talking to Mis Rose to me about the manager's post "
Him: ooh... I'm sorry you did not get it...
Me: yah it was such a bummer I mean she just said no, without even listening to me, Do you know why?"
Him: uuuh she just told me she needed a person with finance background willing to earn minimum wage...and you did not have that experience so yah"
I nodded looking down,... I may not be the right fit but Mpume is, she knows book was a CFO for Dlamini Plantation now the tricky part is confusing miss all high and mighty to apply for a job at a strip club so she can get the fuck out of m hair!