Turning Table

Part 94

*** The rollercoaster ride ***

🌹Rossetta🌹

My life is not always an uphill battle. Sometimes I’m in a valley. The land is flat and easy to navigate. The grass is soft beneath my feet. And sometimes I’m in the sky, floating on cotton balls in the baby blue. It’s not always bad. Most of the time, I’m happy. I guess compared to how things used to be, there isn’t much to be unhappy about. At least when I’m removed from the noise.

But It’s back. The enemy I’ve tried so hard to defeat. The battle I’ve been fighting for years anger...  Or I can say today it mostly rage, my peaceful landscape I call my life destroyed, the tides change, the clouds sink and the valleys end. Storms begin, and I’m climbing mountains.  I feel like I am left in thickets and thorn bushes, bruised and broken, scraped and scarred. I feel alone, My mind is noisy, and my heart what can I say is empty.

I heard the door open and I closed my eyes, pretending as if I am asleep.
Sandile drove me to his house last night after the fight I had with Muntu, more of a beat down I plopped all up on her old ass.
Any way Sandile was afraid that my behavior was going to get me back in jail, I assaulted a police officer in public, and being out of jail on parole chances were slim for not going back. Especially with me beating up the very same person who put me there.

I wish I had ways to control my anger but being in jail just unleashed the parasite inside my body that gnaws at my skin and my bones and my muscles until it has fully become me.
The turmoil I feel is numbing and painful at the same time, and I don’t know why.
I don’t know why this enemy of my mind chose me to kill, but it did, and it hurts. Hurts more than the punches I throw, or the ridicule I receive for being so angry because self-destruction is uncontrollable in my state. It hurt me more than anyone’s words or fists I ever had. I can’t control it even when I want to, and the hardest part is that nobody can, the magnitude is overwhelming. And every fight I ever had, every venom I ever spit I'm left helpless, the power knocks me on my ass,
And the sad part is I wish I had warning signs but no, I can’t feel it coming, it just shows up like a bad memory, which I coincidentally create.

"Sweetheart"
Sandle says softly, I frown, He has been hovering over me like a warm fuzzy blanket on a hot sunny day, with his constant gesture;

"Are you ok?"
" eat something? "
" talk to me? "
" I'm here for you "
" it's going to be ok "

I shut my ear when he start talking, and I push him away. I promise you, it’s not because of him that I'm like this, I know he means well but how can I trust anyone when every corner I turn people tend to be wolves hiding under a sheepskin ready to betray me and kill my sanity.
Lord I have been here and I never thought decades later I will feel like this, It’s not me. It’s the monster that’s consumed me, that makes me wish to scream

"  LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

It’s hard for me when I get to this point. Just a few hours I was more in, denial than believing anything that Mehlo said.
I refused to sink into that dark space so I programmed my mind to say
"I can’t be sinking again. I’ve worked so hard to be happy. I know how to be happy. My mind knows how to work properly. I’ll be okay." But I was not, No matter how much I tried, the gears suddenly got stuck and didn't work properly.
It took just one look at Muntu and I blacked out, now I'm left with the exhaustion of the aftermath, the lack of desire and motivation, to see anyone or do anything.

Then the gloom has started. The thoughts rumble. My mind is a mess, and I feel so misunderstood and frustrated. I’m annoyed and angry at everyone and everything. I cry a lot and break down. I can’t control it, even when I try.

" morning"
He says running his hand on my back,
I keep quiet and do not answer him
Him: your mother called, she is  worried about you..."
He sighs and as he noticed my silent treatment
Him: Samukelo also called..."
I stop him by pulling the covers over my head,
Him: babe? "
I shifted on the bed moving, away from him,