Turning Table

Part 126

*** I am my worst nightmare ***

🌹Nompumelelo 🌹

Looking at Mvelo makes me wonder whether it was only my fault that our friendship withered away, but on second thought isn't friendship a two-way street?  he also did not make me a priority, so he can't possibly hate me for how I turned out to be.

I looked away hoping not to shame him with my past,
Mvelo was not just my friend but more of a brother to me, and with my past, I can't help but feel nothing but shame, and also I can't help but only see judgment in his eyes

I still wonder how I and he ended up in these opposite treaties, I guess tables turn when you are the black sheep in the group.
Or To clear my conscious, should I rather say that He changed? It could be that because For many years  I felt as though I was traveling down a one-way dead-end lane when it comes to our friendship, As he became so absorbed in his own life that he forgot to appreciate the friendship I was so carefully cultivating.

Anyway, I understand that each friendship is unique. Some friends are there to get you through a finite period. Some friendships last a lifetime. That's how I thought, Zoe, Mvelo, Sindy and I will be like. but well shit happened, some may look at it as the fact that we, grew up.

You know we once made promises to stay in touch. At first, this was easy. But over time, things changed. I slowly stopped hearing from them not that I cared because I was consumed by greed and thought my shit smelled like Roses, looking at my mistake now, It truly does not require a lot of time or effort to maintain a friendship, and yet I allow it to die.

Mixed emotions consume me as Hurt, betrayal, and abandonment. These are the emotions I feel as I look into Mvelo's brown-golden eyes, a part of me hopes he regrets the fact that he allowed our friendship to die. And he does not have to look at me with a blank expression like I never mattered to him.

He finally speaks after a long staring contest
" Nompumelelo "
he greeted me, his voice bolder than I remember it to be
My voice failed me, no matter how much I wanted to greet him back so I resorted to just nodding my head and looked at Veli,
Me: May I have a word with you " I said to Veli, As she lead me to the other room, I could feel Mvelo's eyes burn the back of my head,

" what the fuck is he doing here?"
I could not help but to snap at Veli  the minute the door closed behind her
Her: I did not call him..." She said so calmly
Me: Veli don't bullshit me!"
She sighs
Her: Mzamo is Mvelo's uncle, so his majesty  comes and goes as he pleases in this house "
Me: so this is just a coincidence that his here the very same day I set foot in your house?"
She breathes out loud
Her: look Mpume I called him last night, asking for help "
Me: help?... What the fuck were you thinking!!!?"
Her: uuuh I don't know rather than the fact that you are tormented by a spirit and he knows more about this than I do!..."
Me: It was none of your business to tell him about my life!!!"
Her: ooh bloody hell shoot me for carrying "
Me: I did not ask for your bloody help Veli!!"
She opened her mouth and closed it she then pressed her lips together and breath out loud

Her: rest assured sister dearest, it was my first and last time, and to put your mind at ease, Mvelo refused to help you, and judging from what I have witnessed from your actions and outburst, I don't bloody blame him as well "
I froze listening to her say that, she did not say anything further but decided to walk out on me,  slamming the door behind her,

I did it again burning the only life bridge I have with my words, this hateful mind of mine crying out to be concealed, has caused more enemies than friends, I'm manipulated by my own intuitions telling me that I am making a fool of myself in being vulnerable
“What will they think of me?”, is the first question that rises in my head. ‘‘Are they going to think that I am a ‘weak’ person?’’
God knows I’ve come to hate that word ‘weak’ but it still resonates in my head when I’m being caught in a whirlwind of thoughts,

I believe no one can imagine how I can impact a person’s life with words and conscious or unconscious actions. I wish I knew that I needed to ask for help. Instead, there was a big open wound in my heart that led me to develop a destructive behaviour with words. The worse I felt, the more I suppressed my sadness and anger with my actions. This right here is a vicious circle. When will it stop?

I sank down, My mind is noisy but my heart is empty. People reach out, but I push them away.
I held my face as set on the bed, I feel like shit, It was hard for me when I get to this point. At first, I’m in denial. I think, "I can’t be sinking again. I’ve worked so hard to be happy. I know how to be happy. My mind knows how to work properly. I’ll be okay." But I’m not.

No matter how much I try, no matter how long it’s been, the gears get stuck and don’t work properly...as suicidal thoughts cloud me,

I feel Trapped like a bird in a cage, Never to be freed
Three decades have passed and I've erupted all my rage
Now left with No one to care for me and nothing to do so I watch as I make myself bleed
Just one friend is all I need but with this heart of mine they never last,
It's so dark and I am my own best friend or should I say worst enemy
I know I'll die alone in the end.

I have cried yet another million tears, as I lay my head on the pillow, tired of asking myself why me? I feel My soul sink, my eyelids become heavy my breathing change as  heavy sleep creeps in,
My vision becomes pitch black, and an image of rusted, cage appears
I cough from sickness, as I blow out cold air from my mouth, I'm freezing...im cold, where am I? I opened the birdcage, and step out,
a black curtain hangs on my door.
The voices of conscience torment me
There's dirt all over this place, I can't see much, but there's water that runs down the wall, mice in the attic above me
and rats playing games in the hall.
My surrounding has no heat, only the  darkness of life that surrounds me

I know my time is short, his close, his watching, waiting to torment me
Still, no friends to come to my rescue  and even if they do I can not be trusted
I think about all the times I've sinned
As I lay dying I can't help but think I could have prevented being trapped in a cage.

Finally, the wrath of the night comes, his Cologne engulfs me, I try to shift from this bed, but my entire body is paralyzed,

"He is here "

I am haunted by a ghost
who calls my name,
whispers in the wind, and runs in my shadow. I’ve tried to bury him so many times in my head, in my prayers, in my life!

but his remains could not remain
buried. He breathes as I sleep.
I hear the faint creak of the floorboard as he appears out from the shadows and he creep

My brain bubbles and blisters
like witch’s brew, as I feel his whisper in the air as I succumb to the hellfire of regurgitated memory. I stabbed him with no remorse but this memory turn, the tables turn as I find myself with oozing blood on my throat

" Help!... Please some..one...! " I scream but he has stolen away my oxygen to resurrect himself, this trauma I feel is a tomb I cannot worm my way out of.

"Help...please!!"

My mouth moves but my voice is stolen, and my head has turned to stone. As I turn blue, ... I'm dying... I'm losing air...

" God please help me!!!!..."

My eyes shoot open and the lights in the room are turned on, Velile and Mvelo stood by the door looking at me, my  heavy breathing is the only noise in this room, as my eyes wander around, wondering where am I, is he still around, I screamed to the movement of the curtain as the wind blew it in,
fear creeps in and I quickly curl myself into a ball, pulling my knees to my chest, I'm shaking like a leave,

" ooh my God Mpume what happened to your neck "
She says touching my neck, I want to answer her but my tears come first then my voice.

" please help me"  I say softly as she engulfed me with a hug.
.
.
.
To be continued