Turning Table

Part 128

***The Car Ride****

🌹 Rosetta🌹

" Zuko..."

I call out his name the minute the car drives off, He just turned his head the other way and put on his headset, and looks outside the window,
Lord knows that I wish he knew that All I want is for him to let me in!
I can't take this anymore! I might as well ask if he intends this silence to last forever. If so, then he must please help me to understand why  All of the anger, which has been building up in him since he was 7 years old,  what is that fully about?

I look at him and sadness becomes me, thinking that he has chosen a life without me. How long does he need? I have tried many forms of contact but he just bluntly block me. Damn this technology for replacing my existence, Lord knows that  I wish to pull those things off his ear right now so that he can hear me out!

Tormented by wondering thoughts, I ask myself, Will this silence last forever? I ought not to equate my agony to grieving for the dead, while my son is still very much  alive, so what's there to do than hold on to hope with faltering fingertips,

I look at him as he takes out his sketchbook from his backpack, this right here clearly shows that he is planning to disregard my presence as his work becomes his main priority over me his mother.
I look at him working his pencil, I'm supposed to be angry but a faint smile escapes the corners of my lips, I look at him in total admiration, I am happy that he is forging ahead with his passions, even though he has never shared it with me. Neither the less I will always be his number one fan and supporter, I am pleased for him and I am proud of him whether he wants that or not.

" you  starring at me, and I don't like it "
He says, not even looking at me
Me: Rejection in a romantic love relationship is deeply painful, but from a son, the wound cannot heal over time"
Him: same as being an abandoned child"
Me: I did not..."
Him: you chose him over me!"
Me: Zuko I love you more than life itself, I chose to give you a better life than the life I brought you into..."
Him: Wow nice speech but actions speak louder than words Rose so I don't buy that crap"
Me: the truth of the matter is When I first met Oyama, he made it clear that he never wanted children. I know it was wrong of me, but I wore him down with this fairytale in my head of having a happy family, and a few months into the marriage he became a very reluctant father, or should I say I made him that...It became too obvious when you were born,  and he resents me for it. but one thing I hated was that he was too good a man for you to be aware of his distaste and discomfit, and just like most kids are like cats...the more distant and reserved he was toward you, the more eager you grew for his attention. You worship him and barely acknowledge me, which pains me a lot...

Being in a toxic...abusive relationship and diagnosed with Brief psychotic disorder, the best I could do was to give you to my mother, in hopes to join you in a few months when I feel much better, I was really struggling,
And life itself was getting harder as you were getting older. I was brainwashed to feel that I was never going to amount to be a  "proper" mum
You had just started school, but it wasn't me buying your uniform, taking you to school, or picking you up from the gate. It felt like a living grief and I felt I'm suffering alone.
The worst part was Moving to a  foreign country which was not by choice, I was his puppet and he controlled me, " my trophy wife " he made me to be, so yeah to answer your question, I never chose him over you, but I chose a life for you without him in it"

Him: and you were also not part of my life too!"
I looked up trying to suppress my tears, and then boom he asked the only one Question I dreaded to answer
" why did you stay with him ?'
I pressed my lips together, looking at him, for him to seek the truth requires him to ask the right questions, no doubt his on the right path to Truth, I could tell how extremely heart-driven in his quest he has become, even though I have thought about the question for many years. I am aware that it is a big taboo, but I think it is time to confront it

Me:" Being controlled and hurt is traumatizing, and that alone lead to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame. He had this distinguished way of harassing and accusing me, which wears me down every time I tried to leave, he made me feel despair and guilt. At one point I believed I deserved how he treated me and the worst part was I was ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself because I thought I triggered him. He went as far, as making me believe that emotional and financial abuse was really not abuse. Because words don’t leave bruises, right?" I laughed shaking my head
Me: you know that at one point I was emotionally attached to   him that I believed I could love the abuse out of him, I thought I would be the strong one who would never leave him and show him loyalty. I would fix him and teach him love...but with all the giving I did I was the one who lost the most"

I sigh looking away, avoiding looking at his pitiful eyes
Him: does Gogo know about all of this?"
I just nodded not looking at him
Him: so if he did not put you in prison will you still be with him?"
Me: I doubt it"
Him: that's hard to believe since you are technically still married to him or maybe you have what they call Stockholm syndrome?"
Me: when I said I doubt it ..it was because I would have been long dead Zuko, Oyama would have killed me,  not that I will be with him!"
I said looking at him,

Me: I think the right words you were supposed to use is retaliation syndrome because I spend years in prison planning it"
Him: what ?'
He asked looking at me with his eyes still popping out

I said looking at him straight in the eyes, the worst mistake I made was to separate the 'the devil spouse mind I have for my baby daddy ' from the 'parent mind I have for my son' Now I am left with a troubling question at the back of my head,
'Does my son wish to have a relationship with his father? Is that maybe the reason why he hates me so much because I took that away from him

But with all these questions he has been asking me how the fuck was I suppose to hide the fact that I hate Oyama. I really do and I hope he dies in misery. I hope he gets cancer or worse I wish they torture him in prison. 

Fuck this whole conversation just took me back to the first time I really tried to understand and reflect on what I did wrong that may have triggered Oyam's behavior, till today I have no answers, rather than the fact that before I used to blame myself for not being good enough in bed, not being more affectionate, all kind of stuff.

Now though, I just can’t understand how someone could be so mean, so selfish. He almost killed me the first time. I bounced back and he comes back, knowing damn well that he was going to crush me all over again.
Now I want revenge, I want karma. I want something awful to happen to him. Seeing him living a lifetime of happiness will be hell for me.

Now I'm pissed! ... I don't know if answering all these questions and being brutally honest I took thousands of steps backward to build something with my son, or if the truth was the only thing in our way to mending things!

The car came to a halt and I frowned noticing that we are in an airport...
Zuko: you hired a jet? A Dlamini Jet?"
I'm still puzzled as he is, why is Sandile flying me, when it just takes a few hours to drive from my home town to Durban, my phone bees..its massage from Sandil
" I know you are angry, but it's really urgent that we talk... So please get on the plane"

To be continued.....