Turning Table

Part 58

***If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down***

🌹Rossetta 🌹

I got home tired like hell I got a lot to think off to be honest my brain was exhausted from trying to figure out how to process the stress called  my life,

" the answers rest in THe mother " I keep recalling my conversation with Mehlo,
I took out my cigarette and started smoking, looking at my pot plant, Mehlo said a lot of shit and now I'm just not sure which step to take first, finding the girl?..., The mother? or confronting Sandile?

I slouched on the couch confused as hell, but these walls were closing in and everything got magnified. Faces seemed to loom over me and the sounds were deafening.
I didn’t know what was happening to me and I was very frightened. Could this be another panic attack?

I stepped out of my house and I finally could breathe, looking at my car I knew I had to step outside of my head or else I will go mad, I  decided to jump into my car.

" Mam I need to drive you "
My driver said
Me: follow me, please... I just need to be alone today "
Driver node and I jumped into my car,

It took courage to drive to nowhere even though my heart knew where it wanted to go.
My attacks come and go and Even though I had the support of my wonderful Mother I felt very alone. To make it even worse while I was in prison I was put on anxiety medication, the panic subsided but something else kicked in few years inside the joint... depression.

I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression since the day I served my sentence, The anxiety was always there but kept well hidden. The depression, well that was something that arrived out of the blue, I have not taken my medication since I got out and all I wanted to do was to stop these voices in my head that are driving me crazy,

I packed my car in the crossroads and bite my nail dialed his number
" wow she calls," he said amused
Me; I'm lost I was kind of going to..."
Him: you coming to my house?"
Me: I was in the neighborhood"
I said biting my lip looking outside the window
Him; wow and what do you know she is coming to see me "
Me: Sandile man! "
He chuckled and I heard my phone vibrating when I looked at it, it was his location
Him: Lunch?"
Me: with proper adult drink please "
Him: your wish is my command my lady "

I smile and dropped the call after  few minutes of driving to his location I found the place and I parked outside his house
I breathe out loud looking at his house, big beautiful Tuscany designs
"what am I doing here?" I held my face,
My head tells me, I am here to confront Sandile about his past, but my gut tells me, No you like the guy and you like being with him this is more than just a casual visit!
While my heart and gut are debating if I should just drive off, I soft tap on my car window made me jump a bit.
I rolled down my window looking at him,

Him: you coming in?"
Me: I shouldn't be here "
Him: then why are you here ?"
Me: Sandile "
I looked into his eyes and I was lost, I have never been attracted to a man the way I am with him,  How is this possible?
Him: Rose "
He opened my car door and offered me his hand, I grabbed it and found the courage to step out, I should be yanking my hand from his, protecting that I hate all-male species, But there was something about the way he approached me like I am a scared animal. He was calm, collected, and respectful. And it made me think about the message my mother left for me on my phone

She said," I have walked past your bedroom four times when you first visited me and have heard you crying each time. I decided enough was enough and I had to come to speak with you but I woke up and you were gone, I don’t know what’s causing you to hurt. But I know you feel unsupported. I know you feel alone. And I know you feel broken. You see, there will come a day where God gives you a man who fits. A man who supports you. A man who truly loves you. And you’ll know it by the way he holds your hand.”

I looked at Sandile and smiled, holding his hand even tighter,
We walked inside his house and sat on the couch by the window, he looked at me, running his hands on my face,
Him: what's wrong?"
I just looked down and he just  pulled me to his arms and made me rest his head on his chest, while feeling his heartbeat, I continue to remembers yet another of my mother massage

"Sometimes, you will feel small, scared, and vulnerable. You will need that same man to be your protector, your warrior, your defender. And before he ever stands his ground to do so with words, he will silently protect you by wrapping his hands around your fist. Showing you you’re safe, while also proving you are a rock of your own and just as strong.”

I don't know what happens to me, why Sandile arms feel right to be in right now, why these unspoken words make me feel whole,

We lay like that for few minutes and he finally whispered in my ear
Him: can I get you wine?"
I looked up at him
Me: you trying to get me drunk?"
Him: naaa, just tippy enough for me to have my way with you"
I smiled shaking my head, as he kissed my forehead, I blush and feel all fuzzy inside I can't put to words how awesome he is. I feel like I have feelings for him, and I get that vibe from him too, his hugs are amazing, I can usually tell how much I'm  missed from them, he kisses my  forehead at the most random moments and that alone makes me feel like his my second chance, but yet again I still need to know more about his past

He brings me wine Nederberg Alto Rouge, with a big wine glass
Me: wow my favorite, how did you know? "
He side smile
Him: you are the special women in my heart, so I took the time to know what you like"
Me: Special?"
Him: yini? you want me to tell you that I'm falling in love with you because the answer to that is YES!.. "

I opened my mouth tried to say  something but his gaze made me hot in places I thought that long lost the feeling of feeling hot,
Him: How was your trip to Johannesburg"
I frowned, I never told anyone I'm going to Johannesburg besides Samukelo.
Me: Sandile how did you find out about that?"
Him: your Ex husband is in Durban the last thing I need is for you to get hurt or worst lose you when I just found you "
I looked at him,

Him: I'm attracted to you to a point that I have feelings for you, so I had to know the story behind the beautiful women before I open my heart to you completely "
Me: you did a background check on me?"
Him: ya and I also believe you have my file too?"

We looked at each other eyes not blinking, his eyes show nothing but the truth in his words,
Me: I can take care of my self "
He stood up

"I don't doubt that one bit, but I have doubt that you not over your man "
Me: he put me to jail and...
Him: and....and. ...and...yah I know the bullshit he put you through but why don't you start by divorcing him, so I can put a ring on that "
Me: Sandile...what?"
I stood up and ran my hands on my hair, I was not expecting this he is just saying all the things I was not expecting I have no words I'm shocked and it's driving me crazy that he is so fuckin cool and calm while dropping such huge booms on my lap, ' he is in love with me .... He knows that I'm still married... He knows about Oyama... Now he wants to marry me?' .... God this is too much what the fuck am I doing here worst part is why do I want to kiss him so badly right now?

I turned around and looked at him, he had his hands in his pocket looking at me,
Me: my life is complicated... And..."
Him: woza la"
I slowly took few strides towards him,
Him: when Zoe gave birth to the twins it was the day I buried my guns and knives to a place where I must never reach again, I wanted to be a good father to my daughter and son in law and an amazing grandfather to my kids, but you came along and you steered things up in my quiet life,  and I knew that to have you all to myself I had to be that man again...That heartless busted ... Just say the words and I will make you a happy widow "

I looked at him and all I could feel was my beating heart, butterfly in my tummy, I don't know what's got over me, but I found myself kissing him, I wrapped my arms around his neck,

Him: I don't kiss married women"
Me: you promised to make me a widow "
Him: mmmm my kind of a woman"
He said pulling me close and deepen our kiss as we staggered and fell on top of the couch...