Turning Table

Part 90

***For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.***

🌹Rossetta🌹

I looked at Muntu help the Dr escort Ginger inside the hospital, it's like everything happened in slow motion, me looking at her in her full police uniform with bulletproof and all, our eyes locked as she moved past me, I had a lot of questions to ask her but the first thing that came to mind was rage, which is totally normal...I was betrayed... God damn it! I felt very betrayed.

I stood there looking at her with this mixed emotions, you see with me mostly two things come to mind when I feel like this and it happens simultaneously at the same time. I desperately want to wound the person who has hurt me, as deeply and as excruciatingly, as I have been wounded by their actions,

But my mother always says in situations like this I must continually rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics would work with me especially when I'm this angry, Wounding words will tend to boomerang and make me feel as terrible as the person I wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, will tend to come off as condescension. I felt stuck on one sport frozen not sure what to do.

" hay"
Sandile says wrapping his arms around me.
I did not answer him but untangled myself from his hold and stepped out of the hospital, I have loud voices in my head that just want to make me self-destruct yet again, I was not in no mood to talk or to show my vulnerability to him.

You see when you’re left to deal with depression on your own for so long, it becomes this gigantic beast of a thing that’s often indescribable. In my worst moments, I thought, No one will understand, so why even bother? That’s how isolating depression can be. No one knows what it’s like so let me be alone in this.
Not to mention that I lost my trust in people. I felt that they were never going to understand why, or how, I get sad, so there was no point in opening up and putting my emotions on display for Sandile.

Him: Rose!"
Me: I need a smoke Sandile!!"
Him: Rose..."
Me: Sandile just back off!!"
Did he listen no, but he just stood there with his hands in his pocket, I looked up suppressing my tears but failed dismally, Sandile tried to walk close to me but I stepped back,

Me: just don't ok!"
I said running my fingers on my nose and turning my back at him.
As old as I am now, I can count on one hand how many people I’ve cried in front of. I’m not talking about strangers, that number is the equivalent to how many fries I’ve consumed in my lifetime. I mean people whom I can actually name.

Being born and raised by a single strong woman who is by far as strong like me, I have learned to hide my feeling and dried my eyes.
And when the time does come where I feel like I can't hold it in only then I will be bound to have that moment of breaking down, and I normally do it in public. Many times I’ve made my way downtown, walking fast like Jonny Walker, tears streaming down my face, trying to make eye contact with no one while actually making eye contact with everyone.
I have the same mentality about crying in public, as I do about tripping. I might be doing something wildly embarrassing, but in about five seconds I’ll turn the corner, and will never see any of those people ever again. But crying in the presence of people I actually know, that’s another story...

That raw display of emotion makes me so incredibly uncomfortable that I automatically reject even the idea of crying in front of people I know, If I’m alone, then I’m the only one who has to deal with it or even go as far as to judge myself, the big soggy mess I become when I cry.

Him: babe..."
I shook my head telling him to stop, not come close to me, he is the only man who has seen me have a meltdown without crying in pain while being beaten up.
I feel his hands on my face, he wipes my tears with his thumbs, I look down feeling embarrassed but he lifts my head making me look at him,
Him: hey, I got you my love, and I want you to know I see you, okay? I can see the pain written all over your face because I know the look of someone trying so hard to pretend like they’re alright when they’re crumbling on the inside. You’re not alone, you have people in your life, me...and even people you didn’t see coming, who are more than willing to reach out and be there for you.

I know you feel like you can’t get through this. I know it seems like your world is coming down on you and you can’t find the strength to get back up...but I got you, baby, ok?"

My lips are trembling my hands are shaking and the lump on my throat just wants to pop out,  I look at him gently holding me, I then conclude that I needed to reevaluate how I deal with my sadness. I don’t owe anyone anything, especially a detailed explanation of my emotions every second of every day, but at this moment I became aware that there was this person, who really cared about me, that just wanted to help.

All my life I shut myself off to people who lend out a helping hand. Instead of just trying to push through my issues, painfully and silently, sometimes I just need to tap someone on the shoulder and say, “Hey, I’m fucking sad, can you hold me?”

I'm in his arms silently sobbing, I know his shirt is wet now, but he just squeeze me tight, we finally break the longest heartfelt, emotional hug I have had in my life and he holds my hand,
Me: Muntu arrested me, she bloody put me behind bars for decades, knowing very well I was fucking innocent "
Sandile: what ?"
I held my mouth,
Me: all this year's Sandile the women I called my mother, I confided in her, she knew how that man treated me, and she decided to overlook that and put me behind bars... "
I said crying while Sandile holds me, when I lifted my head I found Muntu  standing there looking at us,

" Rose "

She said softly, I let go of Sandile and marched to her
Her: I'm so..sorr..."
She did not finish her sentence as I punched her on her lips the lips that have deceived me all this year's, she held her bleeding mouth looking at me
Me: you what?... You bloody sorry!!!...."
I was about to jump her but Sandille pulled me back
Me: let go of me!!!"
Sandile: not like this...not here Rose..."
Me: you took my life Muntu!!...destroyed it!!!....