Turning Table

Part 85

*** When it Rains, It Pours***

🌹Liyana🌹

Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt like everything was just dumped at you? That you have a load that is too much to carry out,
I do, and undoubtedly it happened just as I came to realize that I just had my first breakup.
You know that saying, “When it rains, it pours,” it just seemed to fit me perfectly at the moment.  Within just a few hours my boyfriend walked out on me, and just when my heartfelt shattered I received a call from my mother, the worst call to receive especially in my situation.

I've always felt like my mother's been distant from me, even as a little girl. I've never felt like she loved me unconditionally, or even really loved me at all, just 'put up with me. She only really seems to like me when I do something that pleases her, whether it's giving her money, calling her just to listen to her ridiculous demands, basically me never saying NO to her and even that wears off quickly.  She's been this way since I was a child and insulted me when she didn't like something, She's never been happy with my accomplishments like getting good grades and making a name for myself, she only acted proud of me if her friends were around.

As a child I assumed that I must not have been doing something right and I needed to do better so my mum would love me, which has left me extremely self-critical and battling with mental illness, depression being major one of them, now I've realized no matter how well I do she'll just never love me and it really hurts. I shouldn't want or need her approval but I do. I just feel like if not even my own mother loves me, how can anyone else? What's so wrong with me that she doesn't love me?

Her words and tone on the call I had with her felt like salt on my already bleeding wounds, do I even have the right to feel this way? and if I feel this way, why do I let it happen? Why does my mother have control over me? Coastally leaving me feeling guilty!

I know for a fact that I owe her nothing. But this naïve girl in me always let it happen over and over again like a vicious cycle, losing a part of myself every time. Don’t get me wrong I love my mother but I know with every ounce of my soul that there are no motherly feelings I feel for her and no daughter feeling she feels for me, ... it's just the bond and time we spent together I'm still holding on to, but how come when I know this relationship I have outgrown a long time ago.

I'm so old to be trapped in a relationship that is purely in my head. A fantasy about having that warm hug of family values, its an infatuation at its best, an imaginary relationship I dream of, and when reality kicks in, I am left feeling like an empty shell, a stray dog that just wanted a warm home and wanted to be held, but looking at where I am, I am still freezing all alone on the cold winter rain.

I don't know when I stopped crying but all I knew is that I am between feeling sick and being very hungry, emotionally drain and feeling very suicidal, I do not know what time it is the house was so dark while I am all curled up in the couch watching TV, but the bright box just looked at me and the mute sound was even deafening,
I'm angry, but mostly I'm sad I'm back in that dark hole again where my thoughts consume my sanity, I had the best few months of my life with the man I love, without my mother in my life, Ntsika completed me, I almost felt human, whole and alive... I go through a break-up and every wall of my existence comes rambling down.

Tears roll down my eyes I suddenly feel sick again I jump up and rush to the bathroom,
I raised my head from the toilet seat and rinse my mouth, but I suddenly feel the edge of throwing up again I rush back to the pan and started cleaning my guts out, I place my head on the toilet seat

“babe, Are you ok? “

His voice sounded like an echo in the room, he looks at me, his eyes are fixed on mine, looking or searching for my soul,  I want to cry fuck no I am crying, my emotions are everywhere and I just can't help my self but want to be in his arms.
Me: you came back?"
Him: yah I forgot my wallet..."
Me: what?"
I said blinking my tears away, he side smile
Him: so you prefer kissing the toilet seat than my lips?"
Me: uuuh?"
I looked at my awkward sitting position and I frowned
Him: baby bring your sexy ass here "
He said pulling me up from the floor, I fell in his strong arms and just melted.