Turning Table

Part 137

*** I Hate My Father***

🌹Rosettar🌹

"You don't have food in this house!"
Zuko said walking in and finding me in the kitchen making coffee,
Me: Good morning Zuko"
Him: mmmm"
He said dragging his feet taking a juice bottle from the fridge and drinking from the bottle, I should be  protesting and scowling him to kingdom come but im exhausted, the night I had was hell, Jabulani and Sandile fighting nonstop and the chaos The Dlamini made when they were demanding for Ginger to be moved to a private hospital was enough to make me have a headache for days

"I received a call from Ma"
I said not even looking at him
Me: when were you going to tell me about your intentions to see Oyama?"
Him: so I need your approval to see your sperm donor?"
Me:approval? Boy please"
I laughed taking my cup with me outside,
Him; what?...don't act as if your intention is not to stop me "
Me: whatever I say would not stop you so why waste my breath?"

I said sitting down
Him: look I have..."
Me: Questions? .... Pending information or daddy issues?..."
He clicked his tongue and attempted to walk away but stopped, and marched back to me, he stood in front of me,  biting his lip and looking at me from the corner of his eyes, I could feel his wrangling emotions opposing to come out, with no words he started pointing a finger at me, and out of nowhere he finally spoke with his deep voice 

" You know Rose I’m not sure if the lack of your presence in my life was a blessing or a curse...
You know nothing about me and what I have been through. you argue that you never abounded me but do you know that when I was, Growing up I had to deal daily with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and anxiety? I never knew how I will feel or function from one day to the next. I had to work incredibly hard just to feel stable. I have triggers based on experiences I had with the man they call my father, I don't know how I remember the past but I remember The yelling, the drinking, and the unpredictable behavior, it comes and go like fading pictures...

But through it all I Thank God There are years of my life that are missing in my memory. I have to trust that my brain knows what it is doing in its effort to protect me, by allowing me not to remember my early childhood upbringing...or should I say horrible things that might have scarred me for life,

You say you are my mother but I know nothing about who I am!... My brain and nervous system have been forever damaged by your choices and actions! The shame and disgust I carried about myself based on how Oyama treated you almost killed me. I am not dead by suicide or addicted to drugs or alcohol, which is, at the very least, surprising. But I have huge anger management issues!"
I looked down not sure what to say to him, his mad to the extent that I feel that his anger comes from a very sad place,

Him: For so long, I have hated my father, I mean how could I not when Gogo never spoke highly of him either, you know as a kid, he was still larger than life to me, but in a terrible way, like the clown from IT by Stephen King, with razor teeth and maniacal eyes. Even when I say this, I feel this terrible threat, as if he might materialize from the sheer force of my words.
But as I grew older I became afraid of him realizing what kind of a man he was,
No doubt that He has, in a sense, ruined my life, I have years of questioning why I wasn’t enough for him, was such a course to him that as a result he deliberately took you away from me also! , even today the question remains: How on earth could you have loved such a man? "

He took a deep breath, ran his hand on his nose, and looked away

Me: Zuko!"
Him: I'm called Oyama,  A surname I know nothing about!..." He laughed not because what he was saying was funny but because he was in a rage
Him: I look at myself in the mirror every morning and curse the day I was born, curse the fact that I look like him, I hate my father so much, That I have started to hate myself too, I hate that I'm forever angry and aggressive like he was.
I'm promiscuous like he is, I'm abusive like he is, I take drugs and drink like he does and The problem is that if I gave in to my anger and my desires I would be exactly like him, and I hate that about myself. I feel like I'm always fighting so hard not to become him. Yet I'm turning to be just like him!"