Turning Table

Part 75

***From The Pan To The Fire***

🌹Liyana🌹

For my whole life, I have been a strong and brave girl, but when it comes to love, I somehow totally lose all my power.

I transform into a girl who just wants to crawl into a hole and let someone else do the hard work for her.

And I am not doing that because I am a coward but because I can’t stand fighting with the man I love especially saying things like
'I Can't do this " ... " it's over " spitting every word out my head through my mouth while my heart and soul say hold me,
I knew what I said came out totally wrong and Ntsika did not hide his disappointment, worse how broken he felt.

I somehow wished that my tears would make him fall apart, and do what he always does, beg me to stay with him, to tell me that he will sort it out, but politely he just did the opposite making me confused and regretful even more.

I was caught up in apologizing and taking every nasty word I said to him back but what kind of a woman would I be, if I chose to come in between a man and his family, ...come in between a man and his destiny.
With a broken heart, I chose to stand on my word and I looked at him sink down,
I know that he loves me, but love should not be this complicated and I chose to walk away.

" Liyana I don't want to give up but every day that passes by I felt like you are drifting away...I guess I felt right, I hate that you look at me like you hate me but at the same time I hate that you look at me like you love me.

I need you way more than I ever thought I would ever need anyone right now. But you are so consumed with "what if" Questioning every possible event, outcome, or result,
predict what will happen, or make up possible scenarios. Which has only leads to disaster since most of these questions you have in your head are created by anxiety, then the answers you have create lead towards the tendency of being negative which has only lead to you doubting your abilities and a possible future with me.

Funny how I never thought you would really love me. I never thought you would ever say "I love you Ntsika" but you did, and from that day, that moment you made me realize that I want to spend my life with you, no matter how hard it will ever be wanted to be with you. As much as Love has flaws, it has its doubts and tough times, I just had faith that our love will stand the test of time.

But here we are now, look Liya ngiyakuzwa and I respect your wishes, just know that All I want is for you to be happy, for you to have everything you ever wanted.. and if that happiness doesn't involve me anymore, then I will go and leave you alone. But please just remember that I will always be here, I will always love you and I will always be sorry for being the man that you love not the man you need "

He left me in his penthouse told me to stay he will leave, car keys on the side drawer and when he closed the door he took a part of me with him,

I'm a boil of mass right now, crying vomiting, and feeling all kinds of sick, from what I picked up There are no two ways around this, heartbreak sucks. That numb ache in your stomach, feeling like you’re going to throw up, going back and forth between feeling nothing at all and being unable to stop crying. I feel like my entire world is crumbling beneath me. And I keep having that terrifying feeling of being alone forever.

I look at my phone, his pic is saved as scream saver and I feel more tears blinding me, I don't know when sleep kicked in, all I remember was my phone buzzing next to me, I jumped in excitement thinking it's Ntsika,

"Hello"
I said rubbing my eyes not even looking at the screen, busy fixing my hair as of he can see me,

" oh Mntana wami you are alive !"
I frowned and looked at the phone, shit I picked up my mother's call, how can God hate me like this...
Her: I have called you so many times in past weeks and your number just rings answered"
Because I  blocked your number, damn I hate Ntsika for buying me this stupid expensive phone, now I have to deal with receiving calls from my mother... The she-devil,

Me: Ma what do you want?"
Her: look Liyana I know things got out of hand the last time you were here...you acted out of character the things you said to your brother.... "
Me: So, I am the one to blame ?"

Her: I'm not pointing fingers, but kwafika wena kwaba nokuxokozela nje... Liyana khula and accept what you can't change and stop blaming people for your own setbacks, can't you see this sinister attitude is getting out of hand now"
Me: ma!  you kicked me out of your house,  called me name's, in front of the whole family that is not me getting out of hand that was you showing your true colors of the kind of mother you are..."
Her: Jesus have mercy on me! Liyana, whatever I said, I said it out of anger I did not mean what I said "

I sniffed crying again, the pain I felt that I just went through a breakup with the love of my life does not come close to the pain my mother continuously inflict on me, my agony just jumped from the pan to the fire right now.

She is doing it again shifting the blame, guilt, and shame whipping me to submission,
Me: you humiliated me ma, you made me feel like an outcast!"
I said softly with a lump on my throat,
Her: you exaggerating Liya! And you know very well that is a lie, you walked out shouting and cursing,  Listen here for all we know you misheard what you think I said to you! aish awumekancane ngokuba too overly sensitive about useless things!...kwenzekile nawe dlulisa phela"

I shook my head listening to her flipping the story around making me look like I'm a bad person, my wicked actions,
Her: yoooo abo-Liya izingane zo Queen Elizabeth umuntu ngo kuthetha nje kancane you decide to hold that against me, yini are you forgetting that I'm your Mother!!... Stop this nonsense Because your attitude it's causing a lot of unnecessary conflict between me and my son!"

Me: what about me ma?"
I said looking up unable to hold my loud sobs
Him: hhhaybo we can't talk about your issues over the phone, come back home so we can fix this mas you created Liyana!!"

I