Turning Table

Part 104

***Self Destructive Behavior***

🌹Nompumelelo🌹

During these few days in the hospital, I have learned that Oyama was caught he is held in a very high-security cell, I have had detectives coming in and out of my ward asking me questions about my relationship with Oyama, frankly, what do I say when all of this people have already labeled me as a hooker.

I know that the word has gone out most probably in newspaper and TV that the Nigerian drug lord was caught in his brothel surrounded by his whoes and pimps. knowing my share of bad luck that always followed me everywhere I'm most probably on the front page of every publication. And the Dlamini family oooh lord they are probably digging my grave as we speak. Not only did I drag my name to the smelly gutters but since I was once a wife of the most high-profile family in KZN I have definitely tainted their name yet again.

"Ms. Msimangu your mother said she is not going anywhere till she sees you "
The nurse said I just looked at her and turned on my side, giving her my back, this day I just want to be locked away, not speak, not be seen, not be judged, and definitely not be reminded of how much of a  disappointment I am.

I feel sorry for my mother, shame the poor thing had unrealistically high expectations of me, which I couldn’t meet consistently, so that made me a disappointment in her eyes. It seems to me that parents who have a lot of narcissistic traits tend to view their children as an investment, and they expect that investment to pay off, or they view their child like a prize poodle that is supposed to win at all the dog shows, so they, the owner, will have lots of blue ribbons and trophies to display.
" But miss Msimangu..."
Me: get the fuck out!!"

The nurse sigh and walked out, I know I can't keep this attitude in a  public hospital and I know shutting everyone out is not going to get me anywhere, especially since I have no place to go once I'm discharged from this place.
But the thought of having my mother walk in here crying and quoting Bible verses about how I have humility her is the last thing I need when I already feel like shit as well.

Tears run down my face, as my soul tries to break through these chains,
So with no background to fall back on too I might as well start drawing a pentagram on my forehead and try to invoke Satan, saying some sort of prayer.
But guess what even 'HE' don't give a shit about me. No creature with hooves and horns came to visit me my time and of despair
You ask yourself why I'm thinking of selling my soul to the devil, is it another easy escape? a quick way to make it to the top, not by a long shot I just can't love myself because I am my own worst enemy and I don't forgive my enemies.

I know if I should confess this statement to my psychologist he will probably laugh because he himself will not understand my twisted mind. He may even start comparisons for example, like there are so many diseases and suffering in this world and this idiot cries about being a failure, being humiliated, and not amounting to anything.

Ooh, fuck it! Just as I don't understand the pain and anxiety of dying patients,  so why would the common people understand the depression, anticipatory anxiety, and misery I have been carrying for my whole life? Yet again I'm the talk of the town, hated by many...a laughing stock.

My angry thoughts boil down to meltdown as the rape scene, the beating, the shooting, the car crash come flooding back on my face, I held my mouth crying
'Lubanzi '
oh how I wish I was by his side, Lord knows I feel there is so much left unsaid between me and him if he?... Ooh God no, please.  I love him still. While I know I was no good for him, but my love was real.  It’s not a switch I can turn off or on.  I am so terrified that he might die without either one of us ever having the chance to say we’re sorry for the failed relationship.  I want to tell him I love him, to say I'm sorry,  to wish him well to set him free because his love for me will destroy him.

I’m so so so brokenhearted,  mostly because I'm the cause,
THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED IF HE JUST STAYED AWAY!
Where was Nelly? why didn't she stop him, If she truly loved him, she should have?
I wish I knew the status of his condition,  my mind is boiling with distress the man that I love almost died trying to save me, I say almost died because I know for a fact that he is still alive because his father has not come to my hospital room and placed a pillow over my face smothering me to death!

The pain I feel on my entire body does not come even close to what I feel in my heart, I'm sick to my stomach thinking of the place Lubanzi found me in.
What has become of me, I mean I Lived a stinkin’ good life. How could I be so stupid and destroy my loving home?... blinded by lust, for the love of Christ my mother is mom mfundisi, I have a college degree, I had one shot to turn my life around and I blew it by chasing pavements, how I wish I can save my self from my self... Because this is not a life at all.

I cry silently as regret, shame wash over me.
I heard the door opening, I'm too drained to wipe my tears now, so I let them flow, there is no movement inside my room but I know someone is inside.
" I said go away "
The room became quiet I can feel somebody present, I realized that whoever is here is not a nurse no it was a Dr,

I slowly turned and my eyes landed on her, she looked at me with a blank expression, she was wearing a body-hugging Ndebele print dress just above the knee,  white takkies, she has matching beads on her wrist and gold watch,  her face has minimum or no makeup at all, her glow was immaculate and her natural black hair was so thick, rich and healthy in that halo twist hairstyle she is rocking, the women is beautiful... Good lord The woman looks like me.

Her: " sawubona Nompumelelo"
She greats me with her small voice, so polite so ladylike
Her: may I take a seat"
Me: How did you get in here?"
She set down folded her smooth legs,
Her: I have my ways "
Me: ufunani?"
It came out as a shout

Her: impakamo sisi, your ego, your I don't care attitude, your self-righteousness and pride It will sweep the ground under your feet, for a moment you will fly…fly high up in the sky only when the wind is in your direction.
Once the wind changes its direction, your flight in that blue sky when you were soaring high above the clouds just near heaven will end!
You will lose control, your wings will tear themselves as you atone for your power. And you will start falling without bidding adieu to the clouds, and without your parachute, you’ll fall freely under the gravity with no one to hold you except the ground you betrayed to achieve the unknown. . .That feeling, when knowing you were all-powerful and feel absolutely powerless like a scrap of paper that was used and thrown away is something, its something you will remember for eternity and for you that moment is now,
Look Mpume I'm not here to fight with you to judge you or to give you a mouth full about right or wrong, but I'm here as your only sister, so stop pushing me away because angiyi ndawo manje!"

I looked at her and my tears ran down my face,
Me: I need you to go " it came out as a whisper
Her: and then what? Nompumelelo... Do you think I wasted money traveling all the way from Ngonyameni to KZN just to say, ok I tried...bye"
Me: what do you want Veli????"
Her: I want you to stop this self-destructive behavior!!!"
She shouted, her voice came down with tears from her eyes

Her:  you selfish idiot!  you are all I got and you keep... Damn it Mpume just stop!... Sekwanele sisi, just stop"
She said wiping her eyes, and then she looked at me with glassy eyes, her eyes fixed right into mine, I saw something I have seen in my life, I don't know what happened but I felt something wanting to come out, I tried to hold it in,  but it was overwhelming, overpowering me I held my mouth but my stomach tightened up, my lung bust out as I wailed out loud!