Turning Table

Part 122

***My Past...My Mistakes ****

🌹Rosettar🌹

I walked out of my room debating on what I'm going to say to my son, I'm not sure if I'm more nervous to talking to him or what his venom mouth is going to say now,

I shoved my hands into my pocket as I approach him in the sitting room flipping channels
I thought of turning back but deep down I knew that despair drove me here as much as I may not have even noticed that it was happening at the time that I have taken all of his crap but to realize how far we've drifted from one another drives me crazy, yet sad, but mostly it's bloody frustrating!
And the thought that in his eyes I'm only his mother on paper that alone makes me feel so lost as a parent.

"Hi"
I said to him, he just raised his eyes to look at me, God damn it those eyes, why did God do this to me? After I carried the thing for 9 months. And then boom Oyama's copy! regardless that only His eye shape and forehead and hair look like Oyama while his cheeks and lips and eye color are like mine. But all that I see are the shapes of the eyes hence the comment " Oyama's replica"

Me: can we talk "
Him: I'm busy "
Me: Zuko"
Him: what?"
Me:look I know you have so many questions that you wish to know about me and your father and mostly about our current situation ..."
I breathe out loud and folded my arms,

Him: wow, whoever told you that crap was playing mind games with you "
Me: Zuko we can't go on like this "
Him:so you just going to abandon me for decades, then pitch up, and oooh! wait for it! don't talk to me for months and puff we need to talk now?!!! "
Me: you never gave me a chance "
I said with tears in my eyes
Him: you abandoned me when I was just a kid...what did you expect I to do? jump for joy the first time I saw you in years???"
Me: I did what I did for you...to protect you!"
Him: bullshit Rose!"
He roar and stood up, looking at me,
Him:...I found the letter you wrote to grandma you know the one you said she must tell me that you are dead... remember that!!!"
Me:that letter I wrote when I was in prison Zuko I  did not think I will make it out alive!"
Him: then consider yourself dead and berries in my life"

" Zuko!!!" My mother shouted making me and Zuko to both look down
Ma: how long will this fight go on?... How long are you going to fight about the past "
Him: the past made me like this!!"
Me: I never chose such a life for you,
Yes, there are certain things in my past that I’m not proud of.

When I think of them, the first question that arises in my mind is, “What the hell was I thinking?”

But I remember that I was too immature! in that age where people make mistakes. As much as considered myself to be the most intelligent and the smartest person on the planet, thought I knew things better  I consistently took decisions without really worrying about the consequences. Why because I didn’t understand myself. And for that, I'm so sorry..."

I breath out loud and looked at my son whose face was full of wrath, looking at me with so much hate.
Me: I wish I could undo the pain you’re feeling in your heart right now. I wish I had the power to just wash it away, make it disappear, close my eyes and take a deep breath, and have it no longer weigh on you.

If I had the power, it would be to heal you, to make you feel alright again, to hold you in my arms and have every little drop of sadness suddenly fade. If I could have one guaranteed, answered prayer, it would be for your sake. To allow you to start new without this heaviness, this burden, this exhaustion.

But I am no superhero. I am no magical being, filled with powers beyond my human strength. I am no healer, no medicine woman, and even if I talk to God, I cannot demand Him to behave a certain way. He works according to His will and I am not foolish enough to think I am in charge.