Turning Table

Part 96

***Meal Ticket***

🌹Liyana 🌹

I looked at him, Lord knows I'm grateful to have him in my life Ntsika is brilliant at supporting me through the frequent bouts of anxiety that I experience and even better at hiding his frustration, but I hate that he has to.
So where do I start telling him about my life, my past, my family, Although I know that I can’t be the only person in this situation, in my own circle of friends, I’m alone on this? Or at least I think I am. To be honest, I can’t bring myself to discuss it with anyone. Since I’d feel an immense sense of guilt talking about it openly with anyone.

I think this feeling comes from the fact that, apart from the financial burdens I’ve been placed with, my mother has always been incredibly transparent about how she dislikes me,

"The man was the breadwinner, worked hard and provided for us, gave me, my brother and my mother the best life, house in the suburbs, private school, and mom was like a kid spoilt to the 'T' she never worked a day in her life, and her love for expensive things was fueled by my father

Then the fights started my father lost his job or so he said and one morning we woke up he was gone, that was the time I was made aware of how little money we had, with my parents separated, Throw in a myriad of health issues, my mother failed to save for emergencies, and, to my dismay, a 30-a-day smoking habit, and boom we had a recipe for financial disaster. I became just another child from a low-income family and it was not a nice place to be. Especially having a mother like ours, she still pretended to have it all, wanted to live in a house she can't maintain, book clubs and branch with her society group,

Though I was always aware as a child that we were struggling, I was of course in no position to help. But things changed when I reached my late teens.
I couldn’t take any more worry, and I’d heard debt collectors threatening to take the car and the house if the money wasn’t paid immediately, the significant sum of R15000 from my brother's college tuition was paid, it was not enough so I reluctantly, I told my mother that I’d pay the arrears with my childhood savings. I was 17 years old, and debt collectors had come knocking at the door several times before I had to step in.

Her relief was palpable, but so was the sense of my brother's guilt. Of course, he didn’t want his teenage sister paying such a huge bill, but what choice did we have? My mother had no savings and bad credit scores. Payday lenders or loan sharks would have been the only alternatives. . . "

I looked down playing with my fingers

"So there you have it, the first time I lent my mother money was also the time I handed over the best part of me... 'My youth'"

He breathe out loud and I could feel his eyes burning me,
Me: you know the funny part about this is that I often hear stories about the Bank of Mum and Dad, helping children to pay for big purchases and life events that are otherwise out of reach for so many of my generation.

While most of my friends have been supported by their parents to buy their first cars, go to university, organize big weddings and take a step onto the property ladder, I’ve been the bank for my mum, saving as much as I can so that I can give her money whenever she needs it. "

I chuckled and stood up,

"In fact, over the last 12 years, I’ve paid my mothers bills, mortgage, buy groceries and even prevent the bank from taking her car, which she later sold and did not give me a cent and instead decided that I buy her a new car because she outgrew the old one.
And yet, even during those years, I kept on giving my mother money, even when all I could afford to eat was instant noodles. I was giving her money when I couldn’t afford to take the taxi to work before I had a single penny to waste let alone save.

Throughout, I remained resentful at the injustice of it all. Was I selfish for wanting to say no when she called me to ask for money? Why should I have to feel guilty? Did she not realize how unfair this was?
I am not a selfless person. I am materialistic. I like going out, and spending my limited money on myself. But I just still couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be unkind not to help my mother when she brought me to this world and raised me "

I felt tears now rolling down my cheeks

Me: My heart still sinks every single time I get her phone call, I know she does not feel guilty for asking. At the same time, I wish she would stop to consider how much pressure she putting on me as her designated financial safety net, my life has not been easy to rent privately and pay the bills too, especially when I'm earning minimum wage, there’s a limit to the support I can offer. And I have to think about myself. I have my  bills to pay, I’m not sure how much more of this my mental health can take, so this ever-growing heap of responsibility has taken its toll on me and I'm scared of what would that do to us, to our relationship"

He walks slowly to me and pulls me to his arms
Him: Liya baby I'm here now "
Me: I'm not your charity case my love, I don't want you to see me as that too, I'm your independent girlfriend Ntsika..."
Him: I know that and I love that about you, but one way or the other we are going to be a team there will be no I or independent girlfriend but  they will be a we and an us..."
I looked down
Me: if my mother finds out about us..."
Him: she will and that will need to happen when you talked to her about what you have been bottling in all these years"

Me: I have tried so much but she uses this reverse psychology on me, shifting every blame to me, in her eyes I'm just a tool an object, in her eyes, she does not see me as her daughter "

I step back from his arms, wiping the raim of tears that just showers out of my eyes,
I chuckled not because I hate that he can see right through me that I'm holding back deep dark secret but because I find it funny that my mother hates me, so how do I tell the man that I love this? How do I tell the man who wants to marry me that my family will see my marriage to him as a meal ticket?

Him: it's ok... Look she is your mother and I'm sure what she said or done she did not mean it"
Me: you don't understand my mother dislikes me, I have always felt like an outcast in my own family,  I don’t recall having a particularly close bond with my mother let alone my father. four of us lived in the same house but we lived different lives, when my father left I felt awful, awash, and clueless, my mother told me I was useless and could never achieve anything. My brother her 'favorite' since he was the first person to support her after dad left was and still is the apple of her eyes even when he walked away from us when the tough got going.
So I took myself back to college, got some qualifications, went to university, and had total financial independence. Even with her constant call and demands of money, I finished my master’s six years ago but graduating into the depths of a recession and debt, I was obsessed with job hunting. I constantly scrutinized my CV and watched videos on interview techniques. I felt lost, betrayed by my own hard work and determination, I had a meltdown one evening and raged at my mother's house for their lack of interest and lack of emotional and financial support. My mother bluntly told me
"You did this yourself who needs a college degree when you need to work, so now we are in more debt because of your stupidity"
That was a huge blow for me and I felt like archiving a master (MSC) in Pharmacy and Physiotherapy was useless and I took  a huge step back. . . a good friend told me it's time to move out from home I can't be my mother's keeper for life so I did just that
“You won’t be able to afford to live by yourself.”
But I pushed even harder for a job using my qualifications, despite being seen as useless or stupid
A few years back I got a job which is I had wanted since I was 17. When I told my mother, she said "great! end of the month sends people to fix the pool"... No you did it, my baby, you made it, I'm so proud of you but it was just her seeing a much bigger paycheque not the one I used to give her with my student loans.

So here I am paying off all the debt I accumulated during and after University, Despite the seemingly happy ending, I feel exhausted. I grieve for my 20s as I spent much of them struggling financially and feeling awash with no direction and no hope. Everything I have done, I have done through sheer determination and bloodymindedness. I am gritting my teeth and stashing money away for a mortgage. . . call me heartless but I don't want anything to do with my mother or brother, A  Part of me does not care anymore all I want to do is leave and cut ties. My stable job and the sensible part of me that is saving keeps me here, but if I am honest my family make me feel desperately unhappy. . . and I'm  scared of what will happen if they find out that I am dating you!"