Turning Table

Part 183

*** Ade is in Town ***

🌹Nompumelelo 🌹

The voices in my head are louder than the silence in the room. The loudest is my own, reminding me constantly of all the things I have said and done, all the things I haven't, all the things I should have. I wish these voices in my head wouldn't plant these seeds, they're poisonous.

I wish they didn't create so much stress in my life. I wish I didn't have to hear this ceaseless commentary.

I feel like an outcast when I hear myself in my head say, "You have no friends. because they don't like you."

I feel self-conscious when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel panicked when I hear myself say, "Everyone else is thriving in their lives. You aren't and you never will."

I hate Ngozu for making me mute, for driving me close to my insanity, I'm locked up in this house haunted by my own abusive thoughts that I wish I could scream and ask these voices in my head that

'Why do you torture me with these fears? Worrying doesn't do anything but spoil the present moment. I am crushed under the weight of your words. You cause me to focus all my energy on the future, and in exchange, the present moment is abandoned!!!!!"

I toss and turn again in my bed, sleep is not close, it hasn't been for weeks anyway as I'm constantly troubled by my past life, the ghost that made me who I am, I'm up again, I breath out loud frustrated that I need to address this noise in my head yet again! Try and put my scattered thoughts together so I took my diary and pen and made my way to the kitchen, made myself a cup of tea and started to write in my diary.

My whole life I struggled with self-esteem, and it made me feel wanted temporarily, it did not help that I disguise myself as miss goody too shoes, even got a nick name "Mom- Mfundisi "at an age of 15th

What really changed? I guess I just got tired of holding out on everything people proclaimed me to be, I hated being the little good smart girl with bows in her hair, I had all this... energy boiling inside me, and I knew I needed to release it.

Some call it Peer pressure but I call it envy, yes you heard me, it all started with a nutsy feeling that manifested to A dark entity in my heart that I just could not control, I felt Resentment towards everyone around me, they say Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, guess what that shit is like a boomerang cause lord knows I have died a million death in my life time.

Today I want to confess like a dying person that I was once jealous of my best friend.

I didn't mean to feel this way, and I'm not quite sure how it happened. We'd grown up and shared everything since we were young, our joys and tears, our secrets and dreams. We were pretty similar in many ways—our interests, personalities, and passions all matched. We even had strangers believe we are sisters (and we often played along with it).

But things changed when she got engaged at the age 15th

She was in love with a handsome man; her in-laws loved her and all that happened because she fell pregnant, they made sure that she does not carry a stigma of teenage pregnancy imprinted in her forehead but miss Goody too shoes got the lavish lifestyle instead!!!!!

I began to feel a strain in the friendship. It started off with a small thought of "why Her...? "And This thought grew into something bigger as the months went by.

As I tried to sweep the thought under the carpet in the hope that it would somehow magically disappear, the devil, in his subtle ways, started to tamper with my thoughts and emotions. As my best friend became a more prominent figure at school with her high grades and her flowless beauty that made everyone drool at her, something just capitalized on my feelings of inferiority, causing me to grow jealous and bitter towards her. She was pretty, likeable, talented . . . and perfect; she was everything I'd ever wanted to be, and she had everything I'd always wanted to have.