Turning Table

Part 188

*** The Ripple of Turning Tables ***

🌹Lethukuthula 🌹

I'm a creature of habit, destructing my brain from what I want by doing what other people want has been my coping mechanism. Firstly, it was my job that kept me preoccupied, we've all heard: "Work hard, play hard." It seems like a harmless and funny phrase, but in reality, being a workaholic is considered a psychological disorder and for years I used work to compensate for my personal issues, as a protective shield against health issues and family difficulties,

And then Mlondi came along, destructed me from my goals, my work, my passion he made himself the only living thing that I needed to live for, I thought he was so out of my league, or maybe below since I was pretty low on self-confidence after my last relationship. But the first "green" flag or whatever the opposite of a red flag is, was that we both allowed each other to take things slowly and build our relationship slowly, which is what we both wanted. It just progressed so naturally and felt so genuine... so different than anyone I'd dated before. I didn't feel pressure, I didn't feel like things were going too fast or too slow, and it didn't feel like he was playing games with me or trying to manipulate me or get in my head or anything like that. It just felt REAL.

He waited over a month to tell me he loves me and pursue sex, when I asked him why he waited so long, he responded that he just wanted to make sure I felt the same and not pressured to say it back. He wanted to make sure he was truly feeling love and not just infatuation with the new exciting feelings of a new relationship. It may not make a lot of sense to everyone I guess; cause people think it's weird when I tell them that, but to me, I'm glad that he respected me and my feelings and didn't say something to me he didn't truly mean.

While I was all caught up in our love bubble shit hit the fan when I discovered that Mlondi and Shaka are the same person, Boom!!! Another sharp turn took me on another roller coaster ride, and I know for a fact that I'm not a big fan of roller coaster rides, so I did what I do best I ran away, I found myself back home running from my relationship that did not make any sense to me at all, to a world that I have spent years avoiding, they say that family is family and that it is the only love that's unconditional. But family love, at least in my book, doesn't necessarily equate to a deep emotional bond, one that is free and not bound by social expectations.

I'm aware that the only friend I have (Liyana)has a damaged or adverse relationship with her family for reasons such as abuse or trauma that hurt her to the core. But I think what we share in common is a sense of estrangement, however, that applies to each of us. I'm still fortunate that I haven't had to experience anything too extreme as such, but I can't stop thinking about how different my feelings about family could have been if I had had the chance to foster a more intimate relationship with my parents from the start.

To be back home was strange because I was raised in a family that never talks about emotions and where I have never really been close to anyone to actually share mine, When I was younger, things were messy. My father divorced my mother, and my sister and I split up, Mbali stayed with my father while I had to go to boarding school because my mother was undergoing the Sangoma initiation process. To be honest, I had no connection with my family, Messiness gave way to neglect and sometimes violence.

But when my father died my mother changed, or was she always like this? maybe it was me who never paid too much attention to her, She communicated more with me by all means, She did not hide how happy she was that I was back home, or that I also quit my violent/ dangerous Job(as she always refers to it )

It all started normal being back home up until it got a bit uncomfortable when my mother started to ask

"How are you feeling?"