Turning Table

part 48

***Calling this a family doesn't make it a loving home, it just makes it a hateful lie***

🌹Liyana🌹

Is being an adult just the process of becoming more accepting of disappointment in life?

I’m approaching my 30s and awakening to the fact that nothing in the life I have spent a decade building, relationships, career, skills, hobbies, home, is fulfilling to me at all. . . or worst, meant for me,

I'm looking at my life-changing from this to that but I feel like I'm running a mile in one spot,  it's the first of the new year, and already I feel like I would not accomplish any resolution or what so ever,

I wish I had a chance to rewrite my future, maybe get a chance to walk away and start over as a new person.
But adulthood also means agency, there are no fairy tale shortcuts to life.

I walked into the house and Mpume stopped putting her makeup on and looked at me, she looks super surprised to see me, even more surprised that I did not make a  statement at my arrival
with the big car, I was driving the past few days,
Her: hi!"
Me: hi"

I made my way to my room, she stops by the door
Her: Liya about the other day..."
Me: I'm over it don't stress "
I said opening my closet
Her: ooh, ...uumh can we get drinks later"
Me: I don't know...I kind of have a thing today"
Her: with Ntsika?"
Me: Mpume I will see later if I will have time for those drinks or not?"

I said dismissing her, I'm not gonna talk to her about my personal life, she will jump with excitement at the fact that all those glitters I thought I had in Ntsika are not gold,

Her: ooh ok... U um I'm off to work "
I look at her, she has fake hair, fake eyelashes, that face beat has turned her to look like a doll of some kind, I sigh thinking that she had about R5 in that envelop the least she could have done was to pay me rent or better yet buy food in the house, but here she is looking like single housewives, I don't know if she is even able to breathe on that tight jean she's  got on,
Me: ok shup!"
She faked a smile
Her: my ride is here I have to go "
She walked out, leaving feeling like turns of break are on my shoulders  I threw myself on the bed, and closed my eyes,

I'm alarmed by my phone ringing in my pocket, I lifted my head and picked it up
"Hi"
He said with his deep voice, I'm mad, I miss him and he keeps telling me that he's coming back soon, it's been three days already, why is he doing this to me? The worst part I spend new year's eve alone in his house waiting for him to show up but received a text saying that he's sorry he could not make it.

Today it's the 1st of January and to think that this year I was praying for it to be different than others, but no it's just pile of disappointment nje waya waya.

Him: Liya..."
He breathes out loud, the most brutal thing that can happen to me is for him to lie right now,  when I'm already on my lowest and feeling different kinds of insecurities,
Him: I swear it was not my intention, babe things just...look I'm sorry...I'm on my way to Durban and I promise I plan to make it up to you "
Me: I said I'm fine Ntsika"
Him: you not I can hear it in your voice "
I sigh and told him I have to go, at this point, it’s the norm to feel like this, it’s ALL I experience.  Being me means I learned giving up on fairy tales a long time ago, ...a girl like me can not have love, money, and happiness is just a cycle of pile of shit! , so reality has concluded in teaching me to accept disappointment.

I rose up from the bed and picked out a summer dress and gladiator sandals to wear,
As much as I thought taking few days from work and being away from the loud Mpume will bring me peace but I'm all alone in this loud  head of mine to make things even worst, today is the day of the family gathering and my mother has been another person blowing up my phone as if I'm the one hosting the party.

I jumped out of the ubber, and breath out loud, looking at what was once my home, I started feeling anxiety and having loud thoughts in my head God knows I hate family gatherings, and judging from the cars parked outside I'm going to regret setting foot in this place, The Ziqubu family is a big family, my father might have left my mother but my mother has never left her inlaws,

It's like she finds joy in rubbing it, on their face that
" look at me I'm surviving....im boss....still leave in the suburbs...no man will ever bring me down "

God knows I hate this but mostly I hate being forced to hang out with this family.  i meet my long lost cousin by the gate rocking her baby with tears in her eyes
" if I were you I would turn back and walk away, " she said biting her lip
Me: are you oright"
Her: I'm in your mother's house try asking me that question again?"

I swallowed and nodded she had a baby in March and I feel so sorry for her that she had to answer the same 100 questions about who the father of the baby is her employment status,
over and over again, and how useless she is, ...yes that is my mother for you Queen of all Judges,

I was made by my loud Aunt just standing by the gate thinking of my escape, she pulled me by the hand and escorted me to the dining room area, People were eating loudly and boy I hated the noise, The fake smile I had to put in my face, It's hot and these Hugs are getting too much!
I have nothing in common with any of them. They're ok people yes, but I just prefer my solitude because there are better things I could be doing with my time than sitting here trying to look happy and interested. .. My initial thought was to do my time, pay my debt to society, then go,  just a few minutes in and then I'm out,

" look who finally showed up!"
She said when I walked to the back yard, the white makoti is sitting next to her,
Her: you did not even carry a gift?"
She looks at me from head to toe
Me: Sawbona ma "
She rolled her eyes,

"Come! stop speaking to people with no value, look at this beauty... Her name is Berky she is a photographer and has a rock in her hand which means wedding bells are ringing soon... Yoo Mangalisa he is such a blessing, I can die happy now "

Why? Because she brought a white girl as Makoti for you to show off with? I rolled my eyes looking at Mrs white, she smile, she is beautiful no doubt, has the most banging body, for a white chic she takes the cup

Her: hi, we meet the other day at the funeral...Mangalisa has told me so much about you "
I looked at her and the hand she offered me for a handshake,
Me: I have not seen my brother over 10 years, he does not call, or visit and knows no shit about me "
Mom: Liya! ... Stop you embarrassing me"
Me: sure sorry to speak my mind in front of the white girl! After all, Mangalisa is your blessing  he brought you a white girl that I have to feed with my money,?"
She stopped and looked at me
Her: what did you say?"
I looked away
Her: so you are jealous of your brother... Why unosathane Liyana!!... Didn't he raise you and pay for your school fees, ..."

Me:...  and the bills he left behind, the house was almost repossessed, we had no light and water for months, ... You talk about school fees didn't you take most of that money to buy shoes and clothes..."
I didn't even know I was shouting till I felt a sting on my face...
Her: you ungrateful busted... You are no different than your father!!.... After everything..."

" ma you making a scene..."
I looked at Mangalisa holding my mother,
Mom: ooh Mtanami why is your sister so evil...she is not even an hour in my house and already she is showing signed of jealousy, and envy, why Liyana...why are you so bad-hearted???...  "
Mangalisa: mom  please come down..."
Her: I'm tired of this child Mangalisa, I swear to God she wishes to kill me... "
While they hug each other I felt tears run down my face. . . why am I even here?"