Over All the Noises

Chapter 22- New Life

    I called my brother to fetch me in our dorm. As usual, ang sama na naman ng tingin niya sa dalawang lalaki na kasama namin dahil sa rasong wala siyang tiwala sa mga ito. I'm already 18 and at the right age to have a relationship but my parents are strict so I can't have my privilege to decide on my own.

    You will really feel the struggles when you grown up, and understand how things process or work. Our life is like a story in a book, you'll find it boring if there's no problem will happen. Hindi lang puro saya dahil hindi mararamdaman ng isang tao ang toto niyang hinaharap kung walang paghihirap at kalungkutan sa buhay.

    “Take care ladies and gentlemen.” I smiled at them normally. Kahit may alitang nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Shan ay hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na yakapin siya nang mahigpit sa huling pagkakataon. Damn this pain, kakaiba umatake.

    “Salamat, Shan. Salamat dahil nakilala kita at minahal. I did have fun with you even it's just momentarily.”

    Niyakap niya rin ako pabalik at ramdam kong nanginginig ang katawan niya. “Alice, b-bakit n-naman g-ganito ang k-kapalit?”

    Narinig ko ang mahina niyang paghagulgol sa leeg ko. I felt some tears drops on my shoulder. Hindi ko mapigilang maawa pero ito ang desisyon ko. Hindi pwedeng iba palagi ang iniintindi ko dahil paano naman ako? Paano ang sarili ko kapag tuluyan kong hindi makontrol ang aking emosyon.

    Hindi pwedeng ako palagi ang kinakaawaan at pinagbibigyan. Hindi pwedeng sila ang kumontrol sa sarili ko. Hindi pwedeng sila ang magdesisyon para sa sarili kong kapakanan. Oo, masakit maiwan pero tama na ’yong ilang beses akong nasaktan. I'm done with it. Though it hurts, but I have to let go and move on.

    “Mawawala lang ako sa bahay na ’to pero magkikita pa tayo sa school, Shan. Hindi pa ako mawawala sa inyo.”

    Kumawala ako sa yakap at pinunasan ang luha sa mga mata niya. “Papanoorin ko ulit ang concert ninyo. I'll make sure to support you like what I did two days ago.”

    “May relasyon kayo?” My brother asked bitterly.

    Nilingon ko siya at umiling. “Wala, Kuya. Gano’n talaga kapag best friend.”

    He shrugged and nodded his head. Niyakap ko rin naman ang tatlo bago buhatin ni Kuya ang mga bagahe ko. I can't stare at Shan's eyes. Nasasaktan akong makita siyang ganito pero ito ang kagustuhan ko. Ang pangit naman kasi kung magsasama pa kaming dalawa sa iisang bahay pagkatapos ng nangyari.

    I don't know if I'll be back because I guess, never. Hindi naman magbabago ang relasyon ko sa kanila, we're still friends after all. Pero malabong bumalik ang dati kong trato kay Shan. I'll be friendly, but not too much. He totally didn't change me into something, but there's a part of me that changed because of what he did.

    And maybe, I'll take this as a lesson too. No need to rush because a real man will wait even it'll take years for your hand. And no need to push yourself into someone because you will never be happy in results. They'll pity you and will agree to have a relationship with you just to make you happy, not to feel loved.

    This is the most hurtful challenge I've encounter. Letting go of someone you love because your relationship will never work anymore. And because that's the only solution for your both hearts to be free.

    I didn't fall out of love, it's just I hate to admit that I can't feel the love to him. Masakit dahil tama ang hinala ko na minahal lang ako dahil sa awa, at hindi dahil sa gusto niya akong makasama hanggang sa matupad ang pangarap namin para sa isa't isa.

    Love hurts, but sometimes you'll enjoy it even it's not permanently.

    “Why sudden leave?” My brother asked calmly.