Over All the Noises

Chapter 37- Anything

    I prepared myself for today. Babalik kami ng Cacienda but I feel so tired and unhappy. Kanina pa ako tinatanong ni Kaden tungkol sa mga bagay na pupuntahan namin pero wala lang ako sa sariling tango nang tango. I know he feels that but he's not talking about it because I told him not to mention it.

    “Hon, should I bring this scarf?” He asked me again. Tumango lang ako at narinig ko naman ang pang-ilan na niyang buntong-hininga. “Can you please look at me just once. Panay ka tango, hindi mo naman naiintindihan ang mga sinasabi ko.”

    I winked thrice and look at him, dumbfounded. Kagaya ng inaasahan ko. Bumuntong-hininga na naman muli siya at iritadong hinilamos ang kaniyang malapad na palad sa mukha niya.

    “It’s cold there. We'll bring it—”

    “I can't take this anymore. Baby, are you still mad at me?” Binitawan niya ang hawak at lumapit sa akin. Umiwas naman ako ng tingin at walang pasubiling umiling. Ang lamig sa paligid ko na halos lahat ng aking buhok ay tumatayo. I know it's him...causing this kind of ambiance.

    “Let’s finished this. I'm already tired.”

    Napadapo ang mata ko sa kamay niyang kumuyom. Tinalikuran ko ito at itinuloy na lang ang ginagawa. I tried to put all my attention to this box in front of me when I saw him walk away. I sighed in relief.

    “You really don't trust me after all. I'm already tired of this too.”

    My hands automatically stopped when I heard his words. Muling nanikip ang dibdib ko at mariing napakapit sa damit na hawak ko. I looked down and saw the ring he gave me past weeks. I rubbed it while close my eyes tightly.

    Tired? Trust? Do he really think of me that way? Na porket mataas ang trust issues ko ay hindi ko na s'ya kayang pagkatiwalaan? Would it end here if I don't? Would I care if I don't? I gave the whole percent of my trust on him and he don't realize it. That's fucking painful.

    Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang singsing sa aking daliri at lumapit sa kaniya. My hands were shaking while I was reaching for his hand. Walang emosyon lang siyang nakatingin sa akin at bumaba lang para tignan ang bagay na inilapag ko sa palad niya.

    I saw how his eyes widened. Hindi ko mapigilang maluha sa harap niya habang pinananood magbago ang ekspresyon nito.

    “I’m so much tired of pretending to be okay all the time, Kaden. Palagi mong sinusumbat ang tiwala ko sa'yo. Bakit ba hindi ka maniwala sa akin kahit isang beses lang?” I whimp. “Tangina, palagi na lang tayong nagtatalo sa ganitong bagay! Pagod na ako e! Pagod na pagod na ako...”

    He didn't respond instead he just stared at me with his teary eyes. He tried to grab my hands but I move backwards.

    “Baby, you misunderstood—”

    “Talaga? Napakalinaw ng sinabi mo! Hindi ako tanga para hindi marinig at maintindihan iyon!” I shouted. “We always fight and we both get tired because of it. Let's give each other some time to rest.”

    “Rest?” He exclaimed. “Mahal, ilang beses na akong napagod at nagtiis pero hindi ako sumuko. I chooses to stay rather than to leave both of you of my child. Gano'n kita kamahal! Handa kong isakripisyo ang lahat. Kaya kong ipagbahala ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo kasi importante ka! Don't you realize it? I love you so much!”

    Ngumiti ako sa kaniya na parang tuwang-tuwa sa narinig. “That’s the reason, Kaden. I realized it. I know it that's why I'm letting you go because I want you to love yourself first before me—”