𝘐𝘯𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵

𝘛𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘺-𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘩.

𝘊𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘵'𝘴 𝘗.𝘖.𝘝.

I reached my 10th week and my tiny bump turned a little bit bigger, getting more prominent and noticeable - that's all joy I can share. 

I simply have nothing good happening to me.

I have 5 jobs by now - florist, waitress, mover, dog walker and maid in a hotel - because I was nearly kicked out of the apartment since the landlord was offered a deal: sell the apartment for 50 000 pounds. The only of keeping it was him raising my rent that now makes up 3 000 pounds without bills, which are high, opposite to what the landlord said. In spite of that all, I cannot leave - there is nothing cheaper. 

The hospital bill is getting bigger with each appointment: vitamins, ultrasound, tests, consultations. The doctor continues to insist on me continuing to eat well and I cannot not listen if I want my little sweetie to be well. No response from the organisation for single parents leaves me with no option, but to work more in order to maintain a more or less balanced diet, keep the apartment, pay for the hospital and have at least a few pounds for an unexpected, emergency purchase.

I am trying to save up for my little baby's future, making a sort of trust fund. Besides this, I am cautiously putting money off for my child's nursery and every other needed item. 

Today is a very special day to me, the day that hurts my heart, yet brings the tiniest tingles of joy. 

October 10th - Sandro's 21st birthday. 

I unlocked the door, entering the silent apartment after a tough day full of work. I locked the door and put the keys away before heading to the bathroom to wash my hands. I took off the jeans and hoodie, just to wear a pair of leggings and his sweatshirt. 2 pairs of socks, nothing new to me. I brushed my hair, biting my lip as I myself in the mirror. 

I look so...Blank and lifeless. As if a ghost. I don't think I have ever been this pale in my entire life. 

Where is that pregnancy glow every mum has been telling me about in a hospital? Where is that shine? Where is that gained weight, which I need so desperately? 

I sighed heavily, pinning my hair before going to the living room and sitting down on the sofa with my phone in my bony hands. 

The most dialled contact: every morning, every evening, every night. Multiple times a day.

Voice messages that went from lasting for a few minutes to hours now: when I wake up crying from nightmares, when nausea keeps me awake at night, when I cannot keep myself together after 3-5 shifts in row, when I am in aching need of his velvety voice and gentle touch.

He hasn't answered even 1 message. All texts and voice messages are only delivered. 

Maybe, I shouldn't keep this up. Maybe, I should give up. Maybe, I should let him go. 

But I cannot. 

I need him. 

I raised the phone to my ear, everything in me hanging onto the little hope of him picking up. 

One ring, then other ones until I was sent to the voice mail again. 

"Happy Birthday, Sandro."- I almost whispered, shattered and broken one more time. 

"I hope you are happy and safe. May your 21st birthday be full of everything you want."- I spoke softly, numb to the tears that skimmed down my cheeks. 

"I have two surprises for you. One is hidden in your closet among your shirts. It is in a white box with a velvety, light green bow."- I said shakily, hoping he finds the small present. 

I prepared it mere days before everything happened...I was saving up for it for so long, wanting to surprise him with something he likes and collects. 

"And the other..."- I spoke vulnerably, my heart racing and trembling at once. 

"I am pregnant."- I almost whispered, a silent sob escaping from me as tears broke loose. 

"You will be a dad."- I professed, gently rubbing my belly that poke from beneath that sweatshirt that is so loose and huge on me. 

"I am 10 weeks pregnant today. My bump is very prominent. I think it will fit in your hand fully, becoming invisible."- I whispered softly, my soul and heart heavy and miserable.

"Please, call me back, Sandro. I will not bother you if you moved on and are with someone else, but, please, don't leave our baby without her or his dad."- I pleaded brokenly, praying and hoping that he will hear me. 

"Our baby didn't do anything to be left without a father. I will let you go if that's what you wish, but I am begging you, don't leave your child."- I spoke sincerely, willing to give him freedom and anything he wants in return for him to be present in our baby's life. 

I am ready to hurt, to be in pain forever and to suffer for infinity if he leaves me and finds happiness with somebody else - someone I wanted and still want to be so much. If someone else gives him things he wants, things I couldn't give him, I will let him go because his joy is all I wish him. 

But what happened between us shouldn't affect our baby's life. Our child should have a dad and mum, grow up in a complete family and know an equal amount of father's and mother's love, care and attention.

"I love you so much, Sandro."- I whispered meaningfully, ending the call before he could hear more of my tears. 

I will never forget him, even if I let him go, even if he bans me from his life. 

He took me in ways no other man will ever have me. He owns my heart in ways nobody will ever have it. He captured me fully, utterly and completely. He is inscribed in my mind, body and soul. 

I am his and it will never ever change.