"Hi Amia how are you feeling today?" My therapist asked me making me nod.
After earning my phone back because I lied and said I was over Jahseh I spiraled. He'd already began replacing me with random girls and I couldn't take it. I still can't take it now.
That's why I've been in therapy.
"Anymore thoughts on harming yourself?" She asked and I shook my head even though I was lying.
I'd cut myself last night, it hurt, yes, but it made me feel comfortable in a way.
"Are you sure?" She asked and I nodded again.
"Would you mind me seeing your arms?" She asked making me look up at her.
"Yes" I spoke making her nod and write something down.
"Have you talked to Jahseh?" She asked me and I shook my head.
"He doesn't answer me anymore" I told her truthfully and she nodded.
"So you've tried?" She asked and I nodded, putting my head back down and playing with the hoodie I'd gotten from him.
"How do you feel about him not answering?" She continued with questions.
I shrugged "I feel like he doesn't love me anymore."
"When did you feel like he did?" She asked and I shrugged again.
"He told me he did, he held me when I cried. He bought me this ring and he made sure no one would hurt me" I told her and she looked at me as I spoke.
"No one but him?" She asked me making my chest tighten.
I shook my head "he didn't mean to" I spoke, trying to defend him.
I spent the rest of the session doing so. I never let anyone speak bad about Jahseh even though he didn't talk to me anymore. I couldn't let anyone talk about him like that because he didn't do anything.
No one was supposed to know this stuff and now I feel like everyone does, everyone always asking me if I'm okay because of it. But no one helped when it first started and asked for help, they told me to wait it out and I did. The results weren't good and that's when everyone wanted to help.
I don't like that no one wants me with him now, not even him. He post pictures with other girls all the time and there was nothing I could do but cry.
He wasn't mine anymore because of the restraining order and I had to accept that.
I'm trying to ease into it but it's so hard. I watch everything he does so I know he's on tour right now and the videos I see of it only get worse.
It's like he doesn't miss me at all.
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