Earlier in the day me and Jahseh gotten into an argument like usual before he decided to leave me like he always does. He's been gone for a minute though which was fine with me.
Luckily the fight wasn't that bad tonight so I wasn't in too much pain but there was still pain.
I just want to leave honestly, I can feel myself falling back into my dark place that I was in before and I know that's what he wants but I don't want that for myself. It was hard to dig myself out of that.
Hearing the door open I tucked myself more in the covers and tried my best to pretend I was sleep as Jahseh hummed to himself up the stairs. Feeling my heart thump made me shake my head at myself.
I'm scared.
He opened the door and turned on the light "you up?" He asked but I didn't move.
His voice made me cringe and tear up a little which made me scrunch up my face before he lifted the covers, looking at me.
"Why you pretending to be sleep?" He asked me and I looked up at him, shaking my head.
"I'm not" I told him and he squinted his eyes at me.
"I didn't want you to bother me" I told him and he nodded.
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because of everything" I told him and he nodded.
He's honestly making me depressed, I've never felt like this before. Not even the first time we dated. I can't leave the house and I don't even have any connection to the outside world.
I hate looking at myself because I always have a fucking bruise. I don't want to fight anymore. I've even stopped talking back over the past week. It doesn't matter anymore I'm just here.
One of us ain't going to make it out of this and honestly I don't care if it is me.
"Well I missed you" he told me and I nodded.
"You could've took me" I told him and he nodded, sitting in front of me.
"You going to leave?" He asked and I shook my head, looking at him and he nodded.
"I'll take you tomorrow" he told me and I nodded.
He moved my hair out of my face to look at me more I guess but it only made me nervous that his hand was on my face and I started to tear up.
So I grabbed his wrist and moved his hand, looking at it to see his 'kill me' tattoo. I traced my fingers over the tattoo, paying attention to his hand. I'm just now realizing how big they are.
"Hm I missed you like this" he told me making my heart drop.
"Like what?" I mumbled, not looking up at him.
"Sweet and quiet" he told me and I nodded.
"Why?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"Makes our relationship run smoother" he told me and I nodded.
I directed my eyes back to his hand, rubbing my fingertips over his fingernails. Jahseh's physical doesn't match his personality, it's also something that gets me.
His physical is beautiful. He has long lashes and like golden brown eyes and his skin is beautiful. He ruins all of that going for him by constantly abusing me.
I sighed and stopped playing with his hand before looking up at him.
"What's wrong?" He asked and I wanted badly to speak my mind but instead I just shook my head.
"Nothing" I lied making him tilt his head.
"You sure?" He asked and I nodded.
I looked over him to see that he was looking at me like he didn't believe a word coming out of my mouth.
"What's bothering you?" He asked.
"Nothing Jahseh" I told him again and he shrugged.
"I don't know why you are lying to me" he told me.
"I don't understand why you think I'm lying" I spoke back, making sure not to raise my voice.
He nodded "I can't force you to tell me" he told me before standing up.
He walked away from me and went in the bathroom starting a shower which made me sigh.
I don't know when or how I'll get this to end.
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