Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 16- Tide of Fear (Nikki Sixx)

Fear.... for SO long, pretty much my whole life.... has been a part of me and that was even more true that fateful July day when Vince went with me, so I could see/confront Robbin. But to give some background on what led to THAT: Obviously things were tense between Vince and I, our friendship.... i drifted away from that, we'd had it out.... Vince TRIED TO WARN ME ABOUT ROBBIN...and naturally I didn't listen hence to hence us fighting. That fateful day...well, I'd done something that was hard for me to do, LISTENED to Vince or I should say found my balls and admitted I was wrong. So, we talked things out and I believed Vince....and I told him before we met with Stephen and Robbin, I was pregnant, at the time I didn't know how far along I was.... maybe it was a month, again not sure....so my best friend had even more reason to hate Robbin and then.... things really and I mean really went to hell. I told Robbin, he screamed at me to get rid of our son.... i didn't see then it was the drugs, it was always the drugs. I wasn't fully ready too, to admit that I had feelings for Robbin...I DID KNOW that even the mind-blowing sex Robbin and I had, wasn't enough.... the drugs were too much, and I finally had enough...and saw what everyone said about him was true. After we left the venue Ratt was playing at, Vince made sure I got home ok...even though I insisted he shouldn't be alone after what Stephen did to HIM...he is being so broken, wanted to be alone and I was afraid...for him and especially my unborn and REHAB....and everything and that leads us to July 25, 1985 two days after things really started to take a turn...

July 25, 1985.... Dear Diary,

I can't believe......never mind, I CAN... sadly believe that Robbin never cared for me, I was a toy. He got off on being the only one capable of bringing me: Nikki Sixx to my knees. He changed....so did I.... I was headed down a dangerous path, becoming addicted to Heroin. And even the sex, as mind blowing as it was.... it's not enough, it got to where it wasn't enough and sometimes, I wanted a break, from it and the drugs and to do something different. Robbin didn't like that. And I was afraid to tell him what I told him two days ago yet feels like a fucking lifetime: that I'm pregnant and for a while now, not exactly sure I've drank but the Heroin.... anytime I ingested drugs I'd immediately get sick, and my symptoms weren't drug related and it scared me, it scares me STILL. I can't believe that Robbin wouldn't listen to me, I didn't think he'd take it well, but fuck it HURT THE OTHER NIGHT. I got sick....and Vince, our friendship is being repaired but Vince FLEW at Robbin beating the shit out of him and Stephen Pearcy...I wish I'd beat the shit out of HIM for fucking with Vince like he did.

I know I'm all over the place, but anyway.... I came home the other night and destroyed the place in between getting sick...I trashed, no torched my Ratt related items.... including the photo of Robbin and I done for a shoot, him looking sexy as fuck....me high and crazy as fuck...that hurt.

I fear not being a good parent, being on my own and rehab.... i have no choice, if I don't get and stay clean, my baby will be taken away from me and how I know that, is the story goes Deana...well that's exactly what happened or part of it.

Now here I am, not in my destroyed house...destroyed in my heart broken rage.... yesterday, I didn't know where else to go, Vince was dealing with his own heartbreak and I'd wager pain, anger and one hell of a hang over, but I showed up with my bags on Mick and Paul's doorstep and thank fuck they took me in....and... fuck...

I throw down my pen and diary and sprint to the bathroom which lucky me I guess is attached to my bathroom as I in tears heave violently into the toilet, and lemme tell you morning sickness is such a motherfucker.

I puke forever.... or it feels like it until, I finally stop and crawl my way to the sink to rinse out my mouth, wash my hands and stumble my way back to my bed.

"Nikki? I'm checking on you. Paul and I are...can we come in?" Mick's voice, worried very much so and I hear Paul's low murmur. My niece Hope, who is 7 months old now is with Mick's parents who unlike Paul's LOVE their grandchild.

"Ok..." I croak out groaning, hands on my stomach....my stomach which is mostly flat.... but there's a trace of roundness to it. I close my eyes as Paul and Mick come in and I feel the bed drip as they take seats, and I start bawling feeling myself being held in a hug...and I know its Mick and really Paul both. "W-Why.... does it hurt so much? I h-Hate.... being all scared and vulnerable....and there's Rehab. There's no fucking way...I.... I mean I owe it to my baby. I... was...only a matter of time before I killed myself with Heroin. A-And I didn't LISTEN to you Mick or Vince or anyone about Robbin."

"Hey, Nikki.... You're doing the right thing here, let's get that right. It hurts because you have feelings for him, you wanted more...and I know how you hate being scared and there is all this fear or fears you have. All of us are right behind you....and on that end, Paul?" Mick is gentle and firm and turns to his husband and I feel a pang in my heart seeing them together.

"So, I suggested, and Mick agreed, we'd been discussing...but anyway, one we are gonna pay for your rehab and two you'll live with us and Hope too of course for as long as you want."

Is Paul serious? Wow....

"I see you Nikki, Paul is very serious and so am I. we've got your back. You need a safe place..." I go to say something and of course Mick being the alien he is adds on, "I know Vince. You guys have made up, still working on your friendship...you'll get there. It fucking sucks what that jealous asshole did to him, broke his heart.... took him for granted and threw him away. I know Tommy's tried to talk to him, so have we.... i worry about what's gonna come out of this for him." Turns out, Vince would do something he regrets and still struggles living with to this day...Razzle, he'd been talked into having a party or I think getting shit faced and so that led to what we all know has happened, it hasn't happened yet in our story.... but sadly, it will, none of us ever judged him, how the fuck could we? We'd all of us done shit we regret, made mistakes, costly ones...done bad things, didn't make us monsters' kind of thing. He needed us, he wasn't in a good place for a long time and what made it all the worse was Stephen, he wasn't there when Vince needed him and reached out to Stephen.... but Stephen, couldn't face Vince not because of Razzle but because of his own shame....

Paul and Mick calm me down and bring me some tea....as I was getting nauseous again and brought plenty of it and water and I find myself alone again, laying back in bed...hands on their increasingly natural position, my stomach.

"I am SO sorry that I'm such a fucked-up mess...I am trying, for YOU I'll try. I must...I hate that your father is like mine....and will never know you or want you. At least you and I will have each other thru all this." I whisper tearfully to my baby before I drop off to sleep.

A/N: A taste of the sad and tragic things to come, Nikki dealing with the fallout and his fears and being vulnerable and next chapter, we will see Vince losing his way....