Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 17- Losing my Way (Vince Neil)

God.... every moment of that night all those years ago.... where Stephen let me go, like I meant nothing. I FELT like nothing. He took me for granted, he didn't trust me and yeah, I REALLY WANTED to believe that he didn't or wouldn't cheat on me with that whore I'd seen him with but his shame, his silence said it all....and I beat the SHIT out of Robbin, Nikki told him he was pregnant and had tried to tell him something was wrong, that he NIKKI SIXX was scared....Robbin screamed at him and I had enough....still, it hurt...everything did, I ain't just talking about Nikki. I mean, we'd made up working on repairing our friendship...but me, I'd begin to really lose my way and that led to one of my biggest regrets: Razzle....I've struggled to live with that all these years and learn that just because I made A SERIOUS ERROR IN JUDGMENT didn't make me a bad person, just someone who made piss poor choices to say the least.... the only ones who stood by me then were of course Mick and Paul, Tommy and even Nikki, given he had his own fears, struggles and demons to conquer. Stephen, it always went back to him.... i was in LOVE...and my heart...my life, wasn't worth living without him......

These past days have been a haze.... I barely remember dropping Nikki off at his place and then the next day, I'd heard he'd destroyed his house in his heart break broken and just the pure rage he was feeling. He didn't want to leave me alone...but I couldn't be around anyone. And he wasn't wrong about someone being with me, I wanted it to have been Stephen, but it wasn't and will never be. The night I came home I took a page from Nikki's book and destroyed my house and got black out drunk, and spent the next 2 days, yes two days nursing a hangover from HELL.

And when I at last ventured to listen to my messages.... Nikki was taken in by Paul and Mick and was entering rehab, he's there now as a matter of fact and is struggling to heal, but at least he is trying to find his way and I feel as if I've already lost mine...or I am.

It's still July though, I think.... i haven't been out of my house....in days, I've done nothing but cry...and drink and rage, I tossed all the pictures of Stephen and I, which part of me regrets....

I miss him.... i hate that I miss him.... our first date was perfect...it was...and the dates after were great, but his jealousy....and especially where Nikki was concerned was too much and tainted everything. He took me for granted, and broke my heart...he didn't trust me, I put effort into our relationship and gave and he just fucking took...and took....

Is this what I deserve? Am I that much of a 'man whore' or that unlovable of a person? I feel like a shell now.... How can things get any worse? Oh, the sheer fucking irony of those words!!

Here I am now, cleaning my house.... i haven't truly slept, but in any case, I find myself cleaning up my house.... nothing else to do, things with the band are understandably on hold for the moment and our foreseeable future. Going thru cleaning...and everything, everywhere I look.... I FEEL it's all still broken.

I clean until I collapse in a heap, sobbing my eyes out...curling up on the couch and of COURSE Stephen, fucking Stephen comes to mind.

"W-Why.... d-didn't y-you.... LOVE ME...l-like I loved y-you......this.... can't be....it. t-this hurts!!" I scream into the silence, the overwhelming silence. I cry and scream until I'm hoarse, still very much exhausted but I make tea with honey, something to soothe my throat, taking a break from the booze.... for now. And I realize, its dark out now.... great.

The phone rings suddenly as soon as I finish my tea, and I freeze dreading and hoping both that its Stephen.... I let it go until the answering machine picks it up or starts to and its Tommy and hastily, I answer, needing to hear A FRIENDLY EAR.

"T-Tommy?" I whisper.

"Oh Vinny...." Sadly, and a sad Tommy Lee.... that doesn't sit well, that's NOT normal. "I didn't think you'd answer man.... I get why but been trying to call. Worried about you. This all SUCKS I know." That's an UNDERSTATEMENT.

"Dude that's a FUCKING understatement." My tone is very bitterly tinged with exhaustion. "It IS good to talk to someone, everything...hurts, and I feel like I'm really losing my way here." I feel the bitter sting of tears once more.

"I should kill the fucker! Robbin too for Nikki..." Tommy snarls, again not like his normal self and I find myself curious I admit so I ask...

"How'd Warren take it? I mean last I saw he looked pissed and stunned."

Tommy sighs, "Warren was livid, still friends with well...YOU KNOW WHO.... he let him have it...but eh dude has his head up his ass as far as his shame, like he can't face shit. He brought this to himself. And apparently Juan and Bobby, are staying pretty much neutral, or no...take that back..." Tommy pauses, "I think they are on both sides...leaning more towards you and Nikki...." Tommy hesitates a moment, "Razzle called, maybe it would do you good to get out, get together and have a party or something...it was suggested."

"Tommy its.... a nice thing I guess, and I don't want to bring everyone down, I ain't feeling sociable. I'm not in a good place...and besides...what if Stephen shows up? Cause I assume you and Warren would come kinda thing."

"If he has the balls to show up, I'll kick his ass dude." I snort at that, having no doubt. "Think about it man." Tommy finishes.... we chat for a bit longer and I collapse once more into my couch, curled up under a blanket, clutching at a pillow like a lifeline.... lost in my thoughts....

Razzle, Tommy...even Warren...guys, no friends that give a shit and of course, Mick and Paul...Sixx, they know something about loyalty, having someone's back.... hell, even Juan and Bobby, struggling to stay neutral I bet. MAYBE it would do me good to be around people to forget or at least for a time to not be so lonely, cause this shit is crushing me.... very much so....

And I find myself missing Stephen.... i can't just let go so easy, I love him...I LOVE him, but that's not enough, I wasn't. I can't believe he could just walk away so easy....it blows my mind...

Maybe I WILL take Tommy...and Razzle up on a party.... Misery loves company after all.

I wasn't thinking straight.... I wasn't. and Heartbreak and alcohol and the path I was heading down, caused me to make one of the biggest regrets that I wish to God, I could take back.... come to pass: Razzle. What made it all even worse was Stephen because I tried and failed to reach out to him, because I couldn't let go....and that made Razzle hurt even fucking more.

A/N: Here sadly comes more drama for poor Vince...and next chapter, sadly Razzle...will come to pass.