Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 26- Waking Up Both Alive and Dead (Vince Neil)

What can I say about my overdose? My near fatal suicide? It wasn't quick....it was painful, I NEVER knew death could be that painful. What WAS more painful, was the heartache from the fallout with Stephen and the state of mind I was in combined with Razzle's accidental death.... well, THAT was the worst pain I'd ever felt. But yeah, back to my overdose.... the last thing I KIND of vaguely recall were running footsteps and a voice, pleading...desperate and that of course as you know now turned out to be Mick. Mick saved my life and I can never and I mean never truly express how much that means to me...to have his love, his support and his friendship....same with Paul and really all our Ratt/Mӧtley family....then it was minus of course Stephen and Robbin for obvious reasons and Robbin during that time was spiraling out of control, pictures and rumors came out...him looking so thin, emaciated and that blank eyed look, tinged with sadness. I couldn't forgive him until...well you will see; you may have some ideas already...

In any case, I 'died'.... or was it a dream? I saw Mick trying to save me...an out of body experience, trippy as fuck.... scary to watch...I had no sense of time, of space.... how long I'd slept, that I was both dead and alive...a living death....

Where you find me....2 weeks or so will have passed....and I wake up to realize, I'm not dead after all....and so it begins with healing and dealing with Razzle's death....my heart and Stephen were another matter....and overall true healing wouldn't happen still for a bit...

Why does everything feel so heavy? Why do I feel.... like I've been asleep forever? I hear the murmur of voices...and beeping noises...the sounds of tears.........wait...WAIT.... I'm not dead?!!! Oh...God.... oh god....

"Vince! Vinny man.... don't you fucking die on us again!" Is that Tommy?

"Breathe kid.... just breathe..." Mick's voice choked, husky from tears.

"Go slow man...go slow.... open those eyes Vince.... c'mon, you can do it." Nikki?! But wait......i thought he was in rehab? Is he here because of me.... yes.... must be.... breathe Vince, you're alive.... slowly...slowly....

Slowly....my eyelids...feeling like bricks and groaning and I realize vaguely my face feels wet...tears.... those fucking tears, it's SO hard...but I open my eyes, my vision blurred...groaning from the light...and breathe in and out, feeling so fucking exhausted and I try again...my throat feeling so dry....

"Here.... drink this.... it's cold and it helps with your vocal cords, its soothing." I feel more than see, I think it's Mick's husband Paul help me drink and its just as described....i drink the concoction tasting of mint down and open my eyes, seeing my family before me: Nikki to my great shock, Mick, Paul...Tommy and even little Hope....and I burst into tears, feeling overwhelmed...guilty, reality crashing in.....

"Whoa...Whoa...calm down Vinny.... its.... w-we've got you." I feel those long lanky arms of Tommy Lee around me as I sob into his chest, smelling his ever-present smell of cigarettes & Jack. I manage to calm down, doing little more than sniffling.... well, still crying but not full blown. Tommy refuses to let me go....and even now, my thoughts slip to HIM.

I ignore, my thoughts that have slipped thru my brain of Stephen and decide to ask Nikki.... feeling so fucking guilty...

"I-I thought...Nikk-i.... rehab.... this...is my fault!" I manage to stammer/cry out.

Nikki sighs tearfully, gazes seriously. "Vince...I get what you're trying to say. I left because I couldn't just stay there especially with what happened and you needed me man. And too, I'm not alone...I have such amazing support from everyone....and you do too Vince. I can imagine very well how you feel, for I have felt the same way. I could easily have been in your place.... any of us could...but me, and you...things aren't easy, but slowly I am seeing, and I hope you do too...you can get thru this, that you will find a way thru the dark. Recovery....in all things isn't easy man. Don't blame yourself for my being here or any of us.... we're family."

"Nikki..." I croak out, "I-I know you...are...right and its so damn hard. I was DEAD...I... It hurt.... hurt so bad." Here I turn to Mick and break down once again, "it's like a living death...i...but I can NEVER tell you Mick...how much it means to me that you saved my life. If it weren't for you...I wouldn't BE here." Tommy I can feel squeezes me tightly, ever the hugger.... which I need right now and Mick who is holding a sleeping Hope, is in tears...eyes filled with sorrow, determination, and love.

"I can imagine.... oh kid...Nikki and especially you, times like this I really HATE being the alien. That said, I got there just in time.... i made.... you...get sick...but still, you kept getting cold. It killed me to see.... i was so scared....and the point Vince is that I did what I did because your family kid." Mick holds on to Hope desperately before Paul takes her and places her in her little stroller, making sure she is ok...and I feel that familiar pang.

Before long I am checked on, Tommy reluctantly letting me go....and surprisingly no lasting damage though I am told the combo that led to my 'death' started to make my organs all shut down and I look around the room....surrounded by family, but yet.....someone is missing, someone I both want here and don't....mainly don't because he wasn't there when I needed him and tossed me aside and kept his distance, I don't mean a thing to him....why do I still CARE and he doesn't?.....

I eat, and am given something light.... which I manage to not throw up, so that's something at least. Everyone stays for a bit, Nikki talks about his baby...that seems to be doing well, but I see the pain in his eyes.... Mick and Paul take Hope home and eventually Nikki goes with them, till only Tommy remains and the others left I could tell very reluctantly and at seeing my questioning look....

"Dude, you don't need to be alone....and Warren is coming to get me and see you a bit too. I didn't tell you, and this isn't the right time.... but we've moved in together. It's been busy...and I...well I talked to Warren, do you wanna stay with us? Or we will stay with you? Either way, he and i...ALL of us...will make sure you're ok and can try and heal man." Tommy's words fucking floor me, touching and yet at the same time...HURT for obvious reasons.

"Man.... i can't do that to you guys or anyone...I know I don't need to be alone....and you.... he.... remind me of HIM. I don't.... does.... Stephen even knows or even care?" I ask the last part hesitantly and as I thought Tommy's face falls at that, and he bursts into tears alarming me.

"He...He...doesn't know, it hasn't got out yet. We...well, figured you wouldn't want him around right now. You don't trust him, you love him...but you hate him."

"Tom, this...shit is too fucking complicated...what you said was right...I both want and don't want him here. I wish things were different, but they won't be. When I was dying my last thoughts were of him...how much I loved him, how much I hated him. all I ask, is he needs friends too to be there for him." I reply, and even though I've died and just woke up, I find myself exhausted and drop off to sleep. I never did hear Tommy's reply...

So, there I was, both dead and alive...heart still battered and broken.... but I KNEW that I had my family to support me and tried to push my feelings for Stephen aside.... but I couldn't, I never could. However, at some point.... i would go to live or stay with Mick and Paul, along with Nikki of course who was already living there, and I owe my life to that time I spent with them......

A/N: Vince is alive and has woken...slowly but surely will come to terms with Razzle perhaps in time but the struggle with his heart, won't be easy sadly. I promise THAT will in time turn out ok.