Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 20- Kiss my Life & Heart Goodbye (Vince Neil)

Lemme start by saying prison fucking SUCKS. I felt my life was over, I deserved it...I DID deserve it. I felt I'd wasted my phone call on Stephen and reached out to him, like an idiot....and when he didn't respond, I knew then I'd truly lost him....and lost all hope, yet still I loved him and I hated him...back to prison, they kept me in the hospital at most 2 days before charging me with Vehicular Manslaughter. My leg was still very much broken, so I got crutches which on my first day were stolen and I got into a fight that I didn't start and so was attacked. News of Razzle traveled fast, I was an outcast and then there were those that WANTED me for their own perverse desires....and so I was put in isolation for my own safety NOT because I was famous, I dined alone, I was alone....so fucking alone. Surprisingly, the doctor was decent, getting me new crutches and the guards, I think took pity on me, I was given paper and a pen....and so I wrote, sang.... but was losing my sanity. I got phone calls from my Mӧtley Family: Mick, Tommy, even Nikki despite battling his own demons.... then there was Ratt, well 2/3 of Ratt i.e., Warren, Juan, and Bobby.... but they only reminded me of the man that just threw me away and wouldn't come see me and only broke me further with his silence.

-August 12. 1985-

I've been here for what feels like forever and the word 'feel', how fucking funny is that? I 'feel' broken, every time I am around other inmates, being met with stony silence is MILD...usually what greets me is hushed whispers, and glares.... nasty and harsh words, the chance of being attacked...again. Yep, I was attacked, and it started a fight, and my crutches were stolen. My leg is by some miracle still healing, how I have no clue. I dread taking a shower, especially since I was nearly raped just earlier today as a matter of fact.

My tears litter the paper as we speak, I seem to have an endless supply. And I have nightmares of Razzle, his last words.... He didn't blame me, but I DO. All those whispers of me being a monster, that I should die.... I want to believe they are right. I already lost everything before all this happened....

It all of course goes back to Stephen. I really have been forsaken by him. My first phone call, I wasted. I asked Warren for the number where they'd be staying at as they were and still are on tour, but never received a response.... I nearly collapsed at that. Now, he won't see me.... face me...

I am sobbing too hard now to see what I've written and toss it aside, and almost desperately trying to will my leg to heal faster, just to FEEL and of course naturally I am interrupted and am given mail, letters from the family as it were, the only people I haven't lost....i lost my heart, my lover and my friends...but NOT my family, but now am wondering if that's enough....shakily I pick up the first and I recognize Nikki's messy yet strangely elegant scrawl and I clamp a hand over my mouth, to muffle my sobs as I read:

Vince,

I know it doesn't mean shit, but I am TRULY sorry this happened to you. It could have been any one of us. Hell, it's almost been me a couple of times. I truly, I nearly killed myself with Heroin and Robbin.... god, it HURTS. I didn't think it would hurt so much. Anyway, I know I'm not helping but I gotta be honest. Rehab, well that's been something else. I haven't opened up like I need to, you know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and admit.... that I am scared. My morning sickness is fucking rough, but I believe the baby is ok. I am gaining weight, which is good for the baby.... but it makes me feel even more insecure. But I guess I am opening up to you, it's helping some, I guess. I am TRYING.

I know it hurts you because you feel you deserve all this. Trust me, you don't, yeah made a serious error in judgment, but I can tell you I very much regret it, I know you do. All this sucks because we're still working on our friendship. I live with Paul and Mick....and little Hope. I wish to God; I could help you Vinny.... i truly fucking do. Just know that I have your fucking back.

Wish me Luck,

Nikki Sixx

Nikki's letter breaks my heart, he's opening up to me...and our family, but he's lost and broken like me but yet is still holding back and I shakily read thru the next letters from Mick and Paul, and the one from Tommy.....i don't deserve their kindness, but....at least I have them....and I find myself crying myself to sleep and I dream.....

The crunch of metal...the taste of blood, the scent.... Razzle's dying raspy breaths his final words....me begging, pleading desperate.... it's the same dream no nightmare only suddenly he turns into Stephen....and I scream....

"Stop!! Stop.... I'm sorry.... leave me alone.... just leave me alone!!"

And then another scene begins to take shape....

--- "How can you do this NOW?!" I stand before Stephen, after having shoved him against the wall. Seems we are in a hospital. "Nikki's just given birth! I told you to NOT do this here of all places!" Seems Stephen has run after me, and we are outside the hospital after apparently already having had one confrontation....

"Vinny.... I...I know...." I cut him off once again.

"I TOLD YOU; YOU DON'T KNOW!! I had nightmares where you died and not Razzle.... i nearly killed myself, wound up in the fucking hospital and STILL YOU COULDN'T FACE ME?! It's been 8 months Stephen, EIGHT. You'd from what I last heard still didn't see, still with the groupies. I haven't been with ANYONE since you...." I break down completely, "it still hurts.... everything does." I whimper, lowly.

"I-I had no idea.... you.... you almost...it's because of ME, isn't it? Oh Vince, I-I've been so blind....so damn blind.... i understand, if you never forgive me.... i wouldn't.... i haven't been there for you, I never was.... its.... it's taken me time to SEE...and...and...I nearly killed you..." Stephen looks so lost, so broken....in tears.

"I don't know if I can ever forgive you.... but you still have my heart.... what's left of it. Stephen...you see actions have consequences...even if you were ashamed and couldn't face me, it would have made things BETTER TO HAVE HAD YOU reach out......not seeing me in the hospital from my episode, not reaching out after all this time.... shows me or makes me feel I've meant NOTHING TO YOU. I'm not ready still for this, i...I...." I turn and once more go to walk away.... when I hear....

"You've meant everything to me.... i see that now.... but you are right.... i see now, I need you in my life...all these months without you, I've struggled...suffered, but its nothing compared to what I put you thru...or rather am putting you thru. One day.... i need to change things, to show you that.... i must..."

And then that scene fades and perhaps the most bitter-sweet of all takes place....

Some time seems to have passed....and I find myself with my stomach seeming to be rounded and firm, a dark and familiar head of hair is bent over my stomach carefully murmuring it seems to our unborn child and I can feel the baby move as those hands I know so well, gently caress my stomach with it seems reverence and wonder....

"They're really moving in there." I remark with a smile on my face, and it is these words that makes the man look up and I realize its Stephen, eyes briming with emotion and tears.

"SHE is.... I'm telling you it's a girl.... we'll find out soon." He says adding on, "I love you sugar cookie; I love you BOTH so much.... i ain't never gonna take you for granted again, never..."

"We love you too and I know you won't baby.... I know you won't." I run my fingers thru his hair, tears in my eyes as I feel gentle kisses to my belly and then those lips of his on my own......

And then I begin to enter the waking world....

A/N: Vince struggling in prison, heartbroken....and those dreams, or are they a vision of the future? Things sadly for quite a while won't be easy to say the least, in time perhaps they shall get better. Next chapter, first of two parts will be Nikki's experiences in rehab, I do believe. So stay tuned.