Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 36-Life, Death & Fatherhood (Robbin Crosby)

How the HELL could I have been SO blind? The answers on the surface seem obvious: Being a right selfish bastard, getting off on Nikki...priding myself on getting him to submit to me, isolating him.... i realize NOW, that I always looked forward to seeing him again.... for 2 years, he never left my thoughts. And once we were 'together' again...I just never really acknowledged, he made everything better. The biggest fucking blind spot? Was the HEROIN.... i got him addicted, I used him.... i never listened to him, I let drugs and my fears...CONSUME me, I chose heroin over him...over our son and I sadly remember all too well screaming at Nikki to get rid of our son. I feared then...though I didn't want to admit it...NOW, I fear that Nikki will ever forgive me.... will we ever truly fall in love? That's my head talking, I must make things right with Nikki whatever it takes.

Now.... thanks to Nikki, whom.... I've so thoroughly broken.... I am a father and this hurts because I've missed out on SO much with my son, but moreover: Nikki. I find or am seeing the consequences of what I've done....

Tears continue to stream down my face as Kingston stares up at me, his little eyes...Nikki's eyes wide and he reaches for one of my fingers and my breath hitches, I never knew this could hurt so good...that I would love this so much, and fear to lose what I have found that i love: being a father.

"You're so...warm." I whisper. "I don't wanna lose you.... i hope that you don't grow up hating me like I hate my old man. I got so much...to make right, especially with your mommy. I never really realized just how much he kept me together; I wish I'd a seen ya know?" Kingston 'grips' my finger with his tiny hand, cooing. "The Detoxing is gonna really SUCK...but...its NOTHING compared to what I put your mother thru or am. I gotta do it, I gotta find a way to make it up to him and to you. I love you and was so wrong.... when I told Nikki to get rid of you, I was afraid to be a parent was part of it...but..." I trail off, Kingston beginning to get fussy. "Shh, hey I didn't mean to upset you buddy. I gotcha." I let my instinct take over and rock him, murmuring tearfully to him until he falls asleep, and reluctantly...I let them take him from me, and its like having my heart ripped from my chest....the pain....that my body has went thru comes back in full force and I nearly fall....and I think the nice nurse, gets a wheel chair as I sob.

"Let's get you back in your room, you don't need to over do it...and that little boy of yours needs you and moreover, I get the feeling you need his mother." This gives me pause, as my jaw drops.

"H-How'd you k-know?" As my battered body, longs for Heroin...it hits me, but I push it down...I have Nikki and our son now.... I can't keep doing this, I grit my teeth and vaguely realize we're headed towards my room. "W-Why.... Are you so nice to me? And.... how'd you...know about me...and my...well he WAS my partner."

She blushes to my surprise, "Um...well...I'm a fan of both your bands and I had a hunch. about you two." She's very much sheepish, "It was so obvious that you had REALLY palpable chemistry with one another and maybe you two can find that together...again. And I was once, in a similar way.... with the drugs and my own partner."

Now I find I've reached my room, and I feel exhausted and shaky and like I am gonna barf. And sure enough.... i do....and...well, I Ain't gonna go into details, but it involves the bathroom. Never said it was pretty, guess my body is still trying to purge the drugs from my system and finally when its all done, the nurse.... she gets me something to help me sleep, to...help me and to my surprise brings me something and I realize.... it's my son's birth certificate and a pen....

This....is really happening.... ok, ok...I can do this.... anything......anything for my son, especially to for Nikki...

I managed to some how hold the pen and sign my name underneath 'father', in tears...this is all so fucking surreal, and the drugs kick in and the pain lessens....

I see me.... the moment my heart stops, then shifting to what I thought was a dream.... Nikki seeing my death on the news, his heart-breaking cries...agonizing pain, me screaming I'm sorry, but he doesn't hear me.... He doesn't see me.

Then the scene once again shifts....to the night we met. Teasing, flirting......i was like a moth to the flame...we were both such to one another, and the next thing I know.... we're fucking in that bathroom stall, which smelled like piss.... wild...without restraint......me loving the feel, the thrill of it all. Nikki screaming my name, writing in pleasure...as I literally fuck him up the wall....

Its like watching a movie.... a nightmare.... bitter-sweet moments......that I can't wake up from....me injecting Nikki with Heroin...the highs.... the shows.... flashes of things that have been....

And night I let Nikki go.... i screamed at him, we screamed at each other.... i told him to get rid of our son, that he used to be 'fun'....it fucking kills me, reliving all this shit all over again...and again......

Things seem to slow down.... not flashing by and a glimpse into what could be, begins to take shape: Nikki and I.... more specifically, I am comforting Nikki holding him in my arms trying to get him to calm down.... for it seems we've just found out he's pregnant with our second child.

"Baby Doll.... ya need to calm down. I-I know you're afraid, cause of what happened with Kingston. I fucking swear to you that won't happen this time...." I feel tears stream down my face, holding back my sobs. I take a deep breath, "Nikki looks at me...PLEASE." Nikki whimpers, breaking my heart, "Get out of your head baby..." I whisper, "I'm not going anywhere this time.... I want this with you, I want this baby. I wanted Kingston deep down...I made a huge mistake with him, and I know it doesn't erase the pain of the past, but...Nikki, I swear this time things will be different."

"You.... really want this with me?" Nikki's voice is so small.

"YES. I want the world with you baby doll...and this baby..." Here I bring a hand to rest on his stomach, which is already a bit rounded. "I love them dearly already." Nikki's hand covers mine.

"I love you....and thank you for understanding." I get the additional meaning in which he said it.

"And I love you...." And.... here I lean down and kiss his stomach whispering, "and I love you. And so does your big brother."

"You big softie." Nikki, to my relief is smiling now, teasing me I can tell.

"For you and our kids? You bet your ass." I quip, before my tone turns tender. "I love you Nikki, I fucking love you baby."

Nikki says something.... i can't quite make out....as the scene...fades and I enter the waking world....

I wake up body hurting....in tears, and I realize I'm not alone as my eyes land on: Nikki in a wheelchair, a mixture of emotions on his face: Rage, fear.... worry, pain.... love....and he is poised to unleash on me. My heart pounds.... roaring like thunder in my ears.

Nikki takes a deep breath, barely holding back his sobs...scratch that, he begins to sob.

"Robbin Crosby......we need to TALK." Nikki manages to get out.

What's coming next.... well, it was needed.... he unleashed his pent-up fury, his pain...on me, it was one of if not THE biggest fucking wakeup call and would lead to us FINALLY talking and working on our issues....me seeing even more so that I HAD TO CHANGE....

A/N: Father-son bonding.... emotional, bitter-sweet...and a taste of things to come. Next chapter will be more of the reunion of Nikki and Robbin and their talk is VERY much needed.