Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 40- Sixx's Visitation Part 1 (Robbin Crosby)

Rehab was one the hardest things I've ever been through and yet also lifesaving. Those that DON'T know my story, mine, and Nikki's...anyway, staying sober wasn't necessarily the hardest thing about Rehab. It was being apart from Nikki and our son: Kingston. It was truly, falling in love with him from afar as it were then.... although, I can't fucking lie.... mentally it was a struggle, but...Nikki and our son gave me the motivation to get better, BE a better me. All of this didn't mean I never drank, but...I was aware or would be just exactly how much, it became a rarity. I could never go back to hard drugs, not after my 'death' and ESPECIALLY not after seeing what I lost for a time and what I could lose all over if I went back down the dark path I was on.

Nikki was all the therapy I needed, I shared with him my thoughts and fears and we got to be friends, and more...it was there all the time: Love. Nikki I could tell from his voice alone just how much he was struggling, like with being a mother to Kingston and that he missed me, and he hated having to ask for help and wanted to make me proud. It broke my heart, and I felt helpless, I couldn't BE THERE in person. And I did not see Nikki nor our son until....one day, to my surprise.... I DID and at the time of the visit, I was a month and a half in and Nikki and i.... Well, you will see. I know I DID....

A month and a half....it feel like an eternity. I've missed out on so much already.... all because of fucking Heroin, me choosing it over my family. and I've missed out on the first month and a half of my son's life. I haven't held him since he was born....and then there's Nikki. god, I can tell Nikki's been struggling, he calls me every night in tears....to get me to calm Kingston, but too it's to calm Nikki himself I know. And I also know he feels like a shitty parent, and he wanted or really wants to make me proud, and I am... but he's been pushing himself too much. And I've been reading baby books and realized part of it is he's been suffering from postpartum depression and God...if that doesn't kill me, as I fucking figured he's suffered ENOUGH, especially because of ME...I...

I am broken out of my reverie by someone telling me I have a visitor; I figure it's one of the guys...I wouldn't think it could be....

"Nikki?" I croak out upon entering the visitor's area, it IS Nikki.... that raven mane defying the laws of gravity, those EYES.... the eyes he shares with our son, and he is in tears, and I realize I am too, and I also realize.... he's brought: Kingston?! My eyes widen even further, as shakily I sit down as near to my family as I can get, mind reeling.

Shadows, beneath his eyes...exhaustion but I see...something else, that makes my heartbeat wildly out of control: he loves me....and he brought our son.

"R-Robbin...I.... i.... know you didn't expect to see me...and... and..."

I cut Nikki off worried, "Nikki breathes baby...please....no I didn't expect you....and our...you brought Kingston? I mean...I've missed him..." my voice cracks raw with emotion, "So much and I've missed you...but b-baby BREATHE."

I note Kingston is in his carrier, wide awake and fussing. Kicking his little legs as if in frustration.

"I know buddy, mommy is upset...and I know you wanna help, but you DO ok. I'll hold you...I'll hold you; I promise." My son, who has already grown SO much since i last held him.... seems to my amazement get the message.

"I felt...that I had to see you Robbin and... that it wasn't right.... that you hadn't seen Kingston in so long...and because I've missed you. It's...it's been hard with my postpartum depression, I'm really fucking struggling, and I feel like such a shitty parent. I mean I have all the support in the world, but I..." Nikki speaks in a rush, desperate to get the words out.

"I know you've been struggling Nikki, and that's bullshit what you said about being a shitty parent. You and I both know what that's Like and you ain't it. You're AMAZING. Really." I say quietly and I venture to reach out and hold his hand, which.... I haven't ever done it before. "It means so much to me...that you are here."

Nikki is still crying but much calmer than he was, Kingston I swear making the most adorable cooing noises, I have yet to let go of Nikki's hand and I don't fucking want to. Nikki quietly tells me he brought the polaroid camera and wanted to take some pictures, and I manage a tearful smile and so with Nikki watching, I carefully get my son out of his carrier, and I hold him in my arms for the first time in what feels like forever.

"You are so good with him.... you look much better.... I mean...not that you didn't before.... I mean." Nikki fumbles, blushing and emotional both. "I probably look like shit."

"I love him...I love being his father." Gently I rock my son, who reaches up to play with a lock of my hair. And I carefully look at Nikki seriously, "Nikki you could NEVER look like shit. You're beautiful.... i never realized just how much." The click of the camera...this moment captured in time, as I spend time with Kingston, murmuring to him and it hits me, I must tell Nikki...., "Nikki..." I begin gulping, feeling nervous, "I've realized something... this past month and a half...and dying...but I realized.... I've fallen in love with you. Like.... really fucking fallen HARD."

"Robbin...you...wow.... love me?" Nikki croaks out stunned, "I can.... see it.... i believe...wow..." Nikki stammers tearfully before then saying, "I've fallen in love with you too.... i never thought, this...would ever happen...deep down I hoped...but...you've changed....and now...I know you will keep changing."

I realize Kingston has fallen asleep and carefully, and reluctantly I secure him back in his carrier, making sure he is ok, before kissing his little forehead and venturing to do something, I've never truly done hold Nikki in my arms, as he sobs into my chest...both of us holding one another.

"My only regret Nikki...is it took me DYING to see just how far I'd fallen, how much I've hurt you and... for me to SEE just how much you keep me together and... since I've gotten to know you.... i just.... never again wanna be without you, without our son.... i want.... PLEASE...give us a shot. Nikki, baby I love you." I cry.

"Ok.... I'll give US a shot." Nikki ventures to look at me, then we both glance at our son before glancing back at one another. My heart beating wildly out of control.

"If this....is a dream, then I hope I don't wake up...." And I lean in whispering these words across Nikki's lips, "This.... right now, right here.... feels like heaven to me." As if in slow motion, I seal his lips with my own, tasting his tears and mine.... the kiss emotional and quickly growing more passionate and for the first time, its US together in harmony.... together in LOVE.

This....is heaven, as close as I can get.... the feel of Nikki, just FEELING him...his heart, it's not just lust, its LOVE. It's like the lyrics go, 'you're struck by lightning, you're in love'....

Nikki and I for the first time, KISSED....in a way I'd only ever seen in movies. But it was Real. Of course, he and I still had things to work on...but from that day forward, slowly but surely, we'd get there...and get there TOGETHER.

A/N: I decided to move things along...where things were inevitable. Robbin and Nikki have fallen in love.... for real this time. And Nikki brought Kingston with him. Now they will face any tough times and anything and everything together and work on their issues and I have decided there will be a part 2 to this, so stay tuned for that.