Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 30- Of Letting it All Out & Our Reunion Part 1 (Vince Neil)

My Reunion with Stephen.... seeing him again after that fateful July night...July 23, 1985, if I recall correctly, a night that sent me spiraling in the worst way possible. Or I should say ways, a brutal combo of heartbreak, and alcohol that ended up costing Razzle his life and.... almost cost me mine, well THAT was drugs AND Booze. The point is, that fateful July night, BROKE me and Stephen only made it worse I'd felt for SO long and seeing him again.... well as you will come to find: one, he FOUND me and two, I unleashed all my anger...my emotions, and three, it was very emotional for Stephen and I both which ties in with # 2.

On with the fucking show...

October, the fall of the year.... October 21, according to the calendar in my room. I've been doing anything and EVERYTHING I can think of to distract myself, to numb my mind so to speak with out drugs or alcohol, but its not enough. Nikki had said it right the other day, "The day the pain is dulled, still there but more manageable depending, but the night.... that's when all the pain and heartache and loneliness come calling." I can't go back to how I was, yet I'm not going forward really either, like I'm stuck in limbo. I've just managed to sell my house and move in the House of Wayward Souls as Nikki calls it, Tommy calls it Planet Mars....but I love that about Tommy, he does whatever he can to cheer Nikki or myself up, making inappropriate jokes, being his hyper as fuck self, and too I don't know where the fuck I'd be without Mick and Paul....or Tommy.

Today though is a bad day, I'd spent the morning with Tommy who literally dragged me out of bed AFTER spending time with Hope, but all I could do is cry, because we talked about Stephen, and I can't let go.... can't let him go, I want to hurt him as much as I hurt.... tell him how I feel.... Kiss him, slap him.... just really a mix and seeing as how I'm fucking benched from driving, I took a car thereby calling one... and God, I can't believe I am here, our spot or what was the spot of mine and Stephen's magical first date.... of all places, i could be...

So here I am, where else after all does a man who is lost and broken go if not the beach?

Here is where fate once again steps in and I unleash my pent-up fury, my emotions....

Suddenly I feel someone standing over me, exclaiming.... voice raw with tears and sheer emotion, "Vince? I-Is that you?"

You've.... got to be.... AFTER ALL THIS TIME? HE SHOWS UP HERE?!!

I am trying to hold back tears and shoot up making the source of my heartbreak or most of it startle as I first slap him and shove him back and I let GO:

"Are you fucking SERIOUS right now? You show up now.... after all this time.... HERE of all places?" He goes to say something eyes wide and tears running, "You have NO clue, no fucking clue! You never trusted me, were an insanely jealous asshole, you never ONCE listened to me!! Y-You threw...me away, like...like I meant nothing to you! You cheated on me and broke my heart! And...then.... came R-Razzle.... i didn't mean to.... i-I really didn't, and.... i reached out to YOU despite everything because...I...still loved you....and you're silence and being a COWARD only made things worse, you've truly forsaken me.... did...did you even ever really LOVE me? Did YOU?!!" At this point I am sobbing, and I swear I think he's wanting to comfort me, "DON'T TOUCH ME.... you lost that right......." I take a shuddering breath, "Y-You.... weren't THERE when I needed you...m-most, when.... Razzle....and then....i DIED....overdosed....and you s-still weren't there....the...the last t-thing....i remember....is......you....that I loved you...and that I hate you....do you know how that felt?....I didn't want you to know, because.....it....just hurts....and I...I'm not doing this anymore with you." Stephen, who himself is sobbing, takes me into his arms once again trying to comfort me and I wriggle or try to out of his grasp, before deciding to break down more and beat my fist against his chest somewhat giving in as far as not jerking away.

"Vince.... Oh god.... I.... I... I NEVER.... i swear meant to.... hurt you this bad, t-to let it get so far. I don't blame you for n-not believing me." Stephen trembles, stammering over every word same as me, both of us overcome with emotion. "I-I... I'm just realizing....my mistakes.... huge...mistakes.... i learned not that long ago...YOU DIED... and.... your guitarist saved your life...I killed you Vinny...I killed you.... its MY FAULT. You...you were right, I realized.... that I took you for granted, I didn't trust you like I should have.... i didn't listen, I was and am a jealous ASSHOLE. Vince, I cheated on you.... i wish to God I could take that back...I thought...with my dick, but that's no excuse. I let you go....and I... tried...to go on like.... I... didn't realize....it would hurt so much. I've lost you TWICE now because I was a coward.... i didn't want to m-make things worse...and... now look what I've done."

I finally pull away from him, I can barely see him thru my haze of tears....and that mix of emotions I'm feeling angry, sad...heartbroken, love.... i know how I feel and yet DON'T know how to feel at the same time, and I am amazed as fuck that no one is bothering us considering I was just screaming at him. I feel bad for him just seeing him like this.... i can see the regret in his eyes, I FEEL it.... him realizing his mistakes, but.... I don't trust it; I am AFRAID to trust it. I sit back down, feeling spent, bringing my knees to my chest, and the tears.... they keep coming....as Stephen plops down near me, sobbing into his hands.

"I...I... feel how much you regret...everything.... but.... I am afraid to trust it, TRUST you. Stephen...I still love you..." Stephen startles, eyes dark and tear filled, "---But I.... you didn't answer my question, did you EVER love me?" I whispered, not thinking he heard me.

A deep shuddering sigh, as his eyes stay locked on mine.

"I did...I DO.... i just fucked up royally, with you...the band...friendships.... but you most of all. I took you for granted Vin. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I don't deserve that...if you ever did forgive me...it would take time, I understand that." Stephen breaks down again, "When I heard you'd overdosed, I mean...I loved you, I do.... i just didn't realize just HOW MUCH I loved you until...I learned what happened. I don't know.... if any of what I am saying makes sense.... I'm not so good with words....and I will always, always carry what I've done with me."

It would of course, take time to truly forgive.... but the truth as I would come to realize back then was that this was OUR first step or first true step to where we were destined to be: Married and with children. Our reunion, that day I could never have seen coming....at least, as far as how and where it happened. Trust would have to be earned and rebuilt...and not just with me. And well you will SEE, don't wanna give TOO much away....

A/N: An emotional reunion and there is a part 2 coming up for this!