Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 28- I Can't See the Light (Stephen Pearcy)

All that I put Vince thru.... the damage I caused and then continued to cause....to this day kills me. I was so fucking blind, jealous and stupid, not to mention a fucking coward not facing the man whose heart I broke, the man I took for granted and broke. And then there came Vince's overdose, where I lost him all over again...and it was my fault, my fucking fault. I didn't learn about it until a few WEEKS after it happened on the news and again, it was my fault....and it fucking devastated me....

Things have been getting worse with Robbin, it worries me.... scares me and things all the way around like with the rest of the band have been interesting. It's been tense at times, but then they've been making an effort to talk to me, which is far more than I deserve....and we are doing our best...united in trying to help with Robbin, and at the same time.....they don't trust me, and I'm...well can no longer be mad at that and at least, I quit with groupies....i can no longer do it....because they are not Vince and never will be. And we ended up finishing with the tour here recently, especially for Robbin's sake or because of him.

So here I am alone.

Alone and in my bedroom, the tv on.... trying to write lyrics, when the news comes on and I nearly turn the channel until I hear Vince's name and it gives me pause and I break down, screaming.... sobbing....

He overdosed?!!! He died.... he, was brought back.... Did the others know? Stupid ass question, they did.... I can't believe I've lost him all over again and its my fucking fault!! I ultimately drove him to this, at least in part. Robbin didn't help, but still. And I tried to carry on, ya know business as usual with the babes, but....it felt wrong, everything has for a while now and now.... this, them saying he died, Mick Mars saving his life.... that he is in recovery at the hospital.

Blind....so blind.... look what I've done, I NEVER meant it to go THIS far, but my not being able to face him after Razzle, to be there for him period, taking him for granted, this fucking HURTS...Darkness, drowning in darkness and I can't see the light.

"V-Vinny......God.... i...I am so...fucking sorry!! I.... NEVER meant...I mean.... i GOD!!!" I sob, sinking down to the floor, a mixture of extreme, guilt, heartbreak....and I realize just how much I love Vince now, its hard to describe in words...but in feeling....

"W-What, h-have I done?!.... what...the hell have I done?!!...Vinny.... sugar cookie...." I pause during a shuddering sob, realizing I've lost the right to call him that, but.... still, I very much miss it if I loved him.... i wouldn't have thought with my dick, wouldn't have taken him for granted...., "---I wish, I hadn't have realized all of this too late." I continue, practically hyperventilating. And without warning.... i lose consciousness......

It seems I am dreaming now.... scenes flash before me, memories of Vince and I in happier times.... our first date, other dates.... our first meeting, our first reunion....and then comes something sweet...emotional, bitter-sweet you name it, perhaps a dream of how things should be or COULD be:

Vince's stomach is swollen.... rounded and firm, and he looks....no lie, like an angel....and I can't help but caress his stomach in wonder, tears in my eyes.... feeling, our daughter move, Vince humming a tune, running his fingers through my hair.

"Ya, know she needs a name." Vince states, making me look up at him and I can't help but smirk....

And reply with, "Diva."

Vince glares playfully, "Fuck YOU. You're saying that I'm really a Diva."

"Hmm.... sugar cookie, you already HAVE." My smirk widens, and my gaze softens looking at Vince, "You know I love you right?" Feeling tears gather in my eyes.

"I love you too, I always have....and now we have our daughter, we've come so far.... truly it's amazing...." Vince starts to cry, I tear myself away from his beautiful stomach and our unborn daughter cups his face in my hands, first gently kissing his lips and thumbing them away despite my own.

"It is Sugar Cookie....it really is. It took me losing..." My voice cracks, "You twice....to get me to see the light.... i am still so sorry...Vinny."

"Hey.... Stephen, its ok now.... I've forgiven you; I loved you then and I love you now more than ever, don't forget that.... now, our daughter needs a name." Vince's tone, loving...beautiful, his voice like bells to me, ends on a teasing note. Vince laughs, "She's really kicking me a lot, I think she's agreeing with me!" I place my hands on his stomach once more, smiling through my tears, as Vince's hands join mine.

"Our beautiful little sugar cookie, taking after her mother...." Fondly before I pause in thought a moment and I think of a name and then say, "Vinny? I-I.... thought of a name, um.... i was thinking, Delilah Valeria Pearcy...I...I mean its...unique and r-pretty." I stammer and am rewarded with one of Vince's 'sunrise' smiles as I call them.

"Sounds perfect, I love it...." Vince says softly before grinning, "Admit it, you really wanted to name her Diva." He teases me.

I huff playfully, "It can be her nickname then."

I go to kiss him....and that scene.... that beautiful, bitter-sweet scene fades away....and what comes next, I've dreamed of before.... but this time is different, the time and place. But the song remains the same, it would seem: Vince sobbing and screaming at me, beating my chest with his fist, releasing all his pent-up emotions....it seems this is the least I deserve, I feel that even in this dream.... nightmare of mine.

"I was wrong Vince.....you....were r-right about everything....I was...a coward and wasn't there for you, I took you for granted...tossed you aside, I thought staying away....in my mind I didn't want to make things worse but I did, I killed you....i killed you Vinny...and that kills ME...."

I wake up with a start, tears streaming down my face.... limbs stiff from the position I'd been in.... surrounded by darkness.

"Vinny....i...I have to make things right, I realized....losing you twice now, being such a jealous asshole, not trusting you.....its cost me everything and its all my fault...I killed you Vinny....I killed you....and I realized just how much I truly love you....it...wont be easy, whenever....you talk to me, let it all out Vince.....let it all out."

"You're Miles away Vince.... miles away, will you ever come back to me? Please.... please...come back." I whisper, managing to crawl my way to the phone, taking a deep breath.... stealing myself as I dial....and to my surprise, Tommy Lee answers the phone....and once realizing its me, his reception is cool to say the least....

"What the hell you want?"

"I.... I.... the news, is...I saw, Vince.... died.... overdosed.... still in hospital....m-my.... fault....my fault.... i never meant....to kill him.... i never...I mean..." Panicking, guilt consuming me, sobs wracking my frame once more.

I hear the murmur of Warren's voice in the background before Tommy answers me.... tone sad, serious.

"BREATHE.... fucking breathe man. Yes.... it's true, between Razzle, you fucking breaking him like you did, not trusting him.... not being there when he reached out.... the point is, he's in the hospital, but something in your voice man, for some reason.... i believe you, you're seeing the fucking light.... but you realize that you have a lot to ATONE for to say the least still. Vince still loves you, but he really hates you too. You know he told us.... his last thoughts were of YOU.... how much he loved and hated you both......and if Vince does talk to you, it ain't gonna be pretty. There have already been serious consequences as you've seen and now know."

So much I need to fix.... if it can be fixed, finally I realize what Vince means to me.... finally. Friendships to repair, trust.... love.... that I hope can be saved, it won't be easy, but I fucking gotta do it.... I must.

A/N: Stephen is seeing or beginning to just how much damage he has done, and now perhaps will fight for Vince. Next chapter will be a page in the Diary of Nikki Sixx. And then the following chapters will, be Vince and Stephen perhaps getting everything out there, we shall see.