Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 34- Death's Door Part 1 (Robbin Crosby)

Death HURTS, DEATH affects so many lives.... more so than you fucking realize, and my 'death' was for me, and it turns out Nikki especially hot fucking hard and when I came around so to speak and found out what ELSE I'd turned to shit because I was DYING, it rocked me to my core. However, my 'death' my overdose.... was a SERIOUS wakeup call...I was lucky to have woken up at all, but it made ME see finally.... just how far I'd fallen and would lead to.... well, you will see, I warn you though.... this shit will hurt....

No fucking clue what day it is.... i don't know where I AM.... i can't even look in the mirror, everyone tells me that...I look way too thin, that I'm DYING. I suppose I am....and here I thought with Heroin I was' t SUPPOSED to feel anything, to remember anything.... i have nothing left to live for....

So why then? So why then does NIKKI haunt me? And then there's the child.... i don't know how their doing, I can't STOP.... I've gone too far......and I don't want to fuck up a child, my child.... i am afraid of.... EVERYTHING...

"Dude.... Are you sure you should do this? You don't look so good." Oh yeah, my dealer......how fucking bad is it, that my 'friend' doesn't think I'm.... fuck it...

"Just fucking do it......i don't CARE.... i don't." I snap, angry.

"If you're sure..."

"Did I fucking stutter?" now, fear clawing at me......the all too familiar, tourniquet......that numbness, feeling nothing.... the vein being found, my arms riddled with them, the holes.... fucked up veins......there is no going back loaded with poison....and I hear.... suddenly....

"Oh FUCK...."

No one told me how much this would hurt.... a thud, shouting......growing cold.... Nikki, Nikki where are YOU? I'm sorry baby, I'm so fucking sorry....

An all too familiar figure.... watching tv, cradling their stomach...their swollen stomach, seems the news is on.

"Nikki?" I croaked, seeming to realize it was him. he doesn't answer, but suddenly he lets loose an agonizing scream, desperate....

"No!!!.... Robbin.... why...why'd you fucking DIE...." Wait.... i died, but I'm right here...., "Fuck...No...my water broke....it broke...." Nikki sobs, in pain....and this, this doesn't feel right.... nothing feels RIGHT. And I realize HE is right; I've made the news...and...this is my fault.

"I'm here ok...I'm HERE...Nikki, I'm sorry.... i am fucking sorry.... please be ok...please...."

A loud gasp of air, tears....and I begin to freak....

"WHERE AM I.... I WAS DEAD.... DEAD...I GOTTA GO.... GOTTA GO...Nikki, Nikki.... needs me...the baby...I CAN'T..."

Desperately trying to get away, but I am held down.... hysterical....and I find myself drifting off, in pain...mental and physical, in fucking agony....

I died...I'm alive?! How.... did...I.... OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! NIKKI.... THE BABY.... I'VE....NO PLEASE LET THEM BE OK!! NEVER MEANT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN......

Beeping noises, the murmur of voices.... familiar ones.... disoriented, shaky.... hurt.... vision is blurry.....

"W-What...happened.... everything hurts.... Nikki...I want...where's.... our...." I mumble confused and then am fucking floored, when I hear and then SEE: Vince Neil in tears and Stephen is here too, they are holding hands....and I feel a pang in my heart....

"You FUCKER..." Vince hisses before continuing, tone sorrowful and firm, "You overdosed on Heroin, they brought you back with adrenaline....and then gave you something to knock your ass out and calm you down....and you ask for NIKKI? You've been asking for him apparently. And for your info...." My heart drops as he starts sobbing, "Nikki is alive....and he's given birth to YOUR son, a month early. Babies in the NICU as a precaution but will be ok. Nikki will be sleeping for a while.... but look what the fuck you've DONE. You wouldn't get help, you wouldn't listen.... you broke Nikki, yet all he wanted was YOU...he hates you, but...for some reason he loves you.... he loves you." I break down sobbing, consumed with hurt, with guilt....and I am starting to SEE the light....and that he's right.

"He.... loves me? And hates me... What...I saw.... i NEVER...you're right....so right.... but look what I've done, I've killed myself...and...and put Nikki in the hospital.... I CHOSE DRUGS over him.... i was selfish....so selfish, I got off...on bringing him to his knees, I got him addicted.... i abandoned him.... got him pregnant, I was n-never there...and...and now...." Breaking down and sobbing even more so, breathing erratically.

"ROBBIN.... please...calm down.... we've already lost you once.... you can't.... keep doing this..." Stephen pleads.

"I've ruined...so many lives...and look what I did to our band, my brothers.... i hurt.... you and Vince too, he hates me.... he should...Vince...I'm sorry.... i just.... didn't know.... or want to get help.... i was AM SO afraid....to...be a father.... i am just scared."

"Now you're human.... now you seem to see.... I didn't wish this on you, you know? I would NEVER.... but you...fuck with Nikki.... anymore.... you realize it won't be pretty when he does talk to you?" I tearfully nod.

"I Need...help...please...just.... i need Rehab......i can't....do this again...anymore....it was never enough to get Nikki out of my head...." I drop off to sleep suddenly....and when I wake up, I am alone.... its late and I despite protests, find myself.... wandering, my feet carrying me in the direction of the NICU.... the nursery, compelled....

And then I see HIM, and I know he's mine: a carbon copy of ME....and he is so small, to me.... fussy and I lean my head against the glass.

"I'm sorry...." I whisper, in tears and my eyes widen as I realize the name upon the container my son is in, "Kingston...Kingston James.... Crosby? Crosby Sixx?" I croak in shock, realizing that Nikki named our son after me, Robbin 'the king' Crosby...an honor I don't deserve....

I don't want to fuck up his life.... i was responsible for him being born earlier than he should have been, I didn't FEEL him...feel him move, feel him kick....and then there's Nikki.....Nikki....and I am realizing now, starting too...how much damage I've done and lives...I've ruined and that....I love Nikki....

A gentle hand on my shoulder and I start...

"Didn't mean to startle you.... You must be his father. Do you want to see him? Hold him?" A nurse, who doesn't look at me like I'm a piece of shit, but I feel like it.

"I...I mean...I can't hold him...I'm the reason he is here..." I protest feebly, "I'm an addict...I.."

"It would do you good, I think." She says, and so I find myself being led in.... clad in scrubs, and I find myself in...love, awe......and the tears come back full force.

"Hey Kingston.... its...its...daddy...." words I thought never would come out of my mouth or that I'd love him so much meeting him for the first time. "I...I am sorry...." I gasp as he opens his eyes, NIKKI'S EYES. "You have mommies' eyes..." Kingston coos. "I'm sorry, I hurt you...hurt mommy, but...I am gonna get help...I wasn't there for you or him....and, now I will have to leave you...to get help. I love you; I love you and I just met you.... i am still afraid of messing this up.... i don't deserve you, but now that I have you.... I can't just let you go son. I must be better for you and your mother."

Kingston looks at me mesmerized....and the world around me disappears...and it's just he and I, my thoughts as ever on Nikki as well.

I can't lose myself again, now I am seeing.... but Nikki? Can he ever forgive me? Why did I realize too late.... that I loved him...that I love him period?

Death hurts.... Love hurts...and both bring so much...which was especially true for me...and for Nikki. i finally hit rock bottom and saw that I had to change....and Nikki and I would truly in time come to get to know each other and FALL in love....so in love....

A/N: At Death's door. Sadly it happened....next chapter will be the part 2 to this, and will see Nikki's versions of events and the following after, will pick up where this chapter leaves off. So stay tuned!