Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 23- Then Comes the Night (Vince Neil)

-Diary Entry: September 09. 1985-

Who the fuck ever came up with the phrase 'things are darkest before dawn'? Because fuck them honestly.... maybe that's the fact I've been in jail talking, maybe it's the isolation, getting the crap beat out of me, being nearly raped.... the night terrors where STILL I see Stephen's face, and Razzle dying in my arms.... his last words, but it ALL goes back to that damned July night, Stephen breaking my heart, SCREAMING at me. I guess my ultimate point here is I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel....and even the love of my family isn't enough. I guess I should deal with stuff, I can't help but feel everyone was right, those 'naysayers'....it should have been me that died. I want to die now; I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe in a way I was already dead over a month ago now....

Nikki is struggling in his own ways, slowly but surely getting better...determined too for his unborn child, who from what Nikki's wrote me is doing well as can be. Nikki is more WORRIED about me now, not that he wasn't before, he's got about I think another month of Rehab left and I can tell all this from the tone of his letter. I've had visits from Mick and Paul, part of Ratt i.e., Juan and Bobby, and Warren with of course my drummer Tommy Lee. Tommy doing his damndest to make me laugh, just being his loveable hyper as fuck self.

I've 'seen' Hope, pictures of her, since rightfully so...prison is no place for a baby. She's damn, like 9 months old now. Such a beautiful little girl.... i never have really told anyone this, especially ya know the asshole that broke my heart, but I've always wanted a little girl and when things were at least 'better' if you will, the thought had entered my mind of what a daughter of ours would look like? Stephen's dark eyes and hair, that smile...those lips, my personality or maybe a little girl that is a blend of both of us.... But that doesn't mean shit now, I mean I'd thought Stephen was my one, that for once such a thing existed and so love and a child a little girl of my own is the most torturous of dreams.

My life doesn't feel worth living anymore, like I said.... even my family isn't enough, it wasn't ENOUGH that I was faithful, that I did the right things.... that I gave my heart away, it wasn't enough that I had such fucking heart break BEFORE Razzle and I am spiraling in the after math, guess I should be glad just a few days, 2 I think left of my 30 days in prison is finally up. Huh, think since I've been arrested before, I should be used to all this shit by now, you'd THINK.

Nah, I DESERVE ALL this...all of it....the man whore, the waste of space....my family has done their best to shield me, but people in prison they talk and talk....so even in my painful haze, rumors and the fall out of it all, I learn and know whether I want to or not...but hey guess its something I've done a lot of writing, songs and lyrics.....I've sent them to Nikki who has written back, impressed but worried I can tell. Still his feedback is good and truly does mean something and once again: Stephen, because the songs are about him like 'Shame, Shame, Shame' which I could see HIM singing and it's part of how I really feel. Now Nikki? Song wise, 'Dancing on Broken Glass' & other songs like 'Bastard'.

Writing & singing, singing, and writing.... screaming and crying, here in my lonely, lonely cell. Stephen hasn't sent a word of comfort and too I've heard shit, that he's ashamed to face me...FUCKER, SHOULD be ashamed. I've TRIED and failed to see his side, to an extent I can get it but overall? It just makes me feel WORSE, even more worthless than I already do. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'd want to hear from him anyway.... then again, he still has what's left of my heart, he has my sanity.... cause I sure the hell don't have any left....

Damn, now what else do I talk about sides' the obvious?

Stephen.... fuck, I really can't let go. But oh yeah, rumors abound.... typical rockstar behavior, groupies.... a girlfriend, video Vixens and wild & wooly escapades. Exactly like me in a lot of ways...or how I was. Each rumor on TOP of everything else, is like a barb...a shot straight to the heart and its truly a 'shame, shame, shame.'

I try so hard, wishing I could forget the good moments.... him calling me 'sugar cookie', teasing me sexually, our chemistry.... him being unlike any other partner I'd had previously, being SO sweet. Our first date and the ones that followed, were magical overall.... though my greatest fears were always in the back of my mind and now, oh now they consume me. They consume my waking hours and my Dreams or my fucking nightmares. I can't even TRY to move on from him and then there's Razzle plus the consequences that stem from what I DID, doesn't matter that my family tells me it was a huge mistake, but they know I never meant to kill Razzle. Hell, even Razzle's dying words, telling me it wasn't my fault.... when clearly it IS. Every night, I see Razzle covered in blood, hear the screech and crunch of metal....and then Razzle turning into Stephen, our fights....

Hanoi Rocks rightfully hates my guts, I truly don't blame them...and I have even tried to reach out and express my sincere and deep, deep regret....to no avail.

I don't know what's gonna happen in a few days, what do I have to go home to after all? No partner there to help me thru my pain, and even though Mick and Paul have a full house with their daughter and Nikki and his unborn, I've REFUSED to burden them.... i know and rightfully so they fear me harming myself or worse, they could help me they want to.... They are the reason I am even hanging on even if it is by a thread. Suppose it's a good thing, I don't have to worry about myself, amazingly Tommy has taken it upon himself with Warren helping him to keep my house up and make sure I have fresh food when I get out and done with my sentence.

Maybe I can catch up on my sleep.... maybe......speaking of which, I should try and do that, though the nightmares will come.... they will.... come....

-End of Diary Entry-

I wrote so much in my diary that I had to start another, my diaries as it's turned out. Kinda like Nikki's 'Heroin Diaries' or I should say what would become a combined sharing of experiences from him and Robbin. The point is it was the darkest period of my life.... I didn't FEEL then I was doing enough to redeem myself even though in reality I was trying to or was. I was even jealous that Nikki was having a baby, well that it wasn't ME or that it would never be me at the time. My life is fixing to get a whole lot darker.... because I won't be home too long before I try and take my own life....what turns out to have been a failed attempt and I didn't know the Stephen was struggling in his own way, I refused to see it then and Stephen has always said, he understands and I can tell he does, he has always and to this day regrets not being there for me when I need him most.

A/N: Poor Vince and things are soon going to get bleaker for him. Next chapter will be Vince 'free' from his physical sentence and home, stay tuned for more!