Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 35-Death's Door Part 2 (Nikki Sixx)

Death.... Death SUCKS, Death hurts....and Robbin's death? It very, and I do mean very easily COULD have been ME. Robbin's death, would fucking finally as he said...and that's quoting my husband get him to SEE, to be ALIVE. It rocked us both to the core....and me, well....it hit me HARD especially....it led to our son: Kingston being born a month early and it was BEYOND painful, mourning the man I thought was dead.... the man I hated, the man I LOVED...the sudden labor.... the fear....it kills me to think about. I clearly remember though.... sitting on the couch.... watching the news.... and.... well, you will see my part of Robbin's near tragic 'death'......

I am uncomfortable as FUCK...I am huge.... Kingston really seems to be running out of room, and I must have help, sitting up, sitting down.... etc. and I HATE THAT. I really have been struggling and I'm not just talking about what is my final month of pregnancy, but mentally. Its gonna HURT, and I love my son more than my life.... he SAVED my life, but.... the reality of being a single parent kind of thing. Yeah, I mean of course I have Mick and Paul, Vince...Tommy, and our extended family, still.... i don't have the man I hate and the man I love and that's yet another fucking thing I've struggled with and have had nightmares about: Robbin. I've heard via Vince and Stephen.... that Robbin's addiction has gotten even worse, I can't face that he's DYING.

He's dying....and he chose this...he chose drugs over ME... over our son.... I haven't seen him in 8 months....so much time has gone by, if....i EVER talked to him again...if he lives.... I will give him a SERIOUS FUCKING WAKE UP CALL. 

Which brings me too now: Its late.... I couldn't sleep and it's off all days: VALENTINE'S DAY. I hate 'love', the pain that you feel.... Everyone is asleep, I think...not sure, all I know is by some miracle I managed to roll my way out of bed after several attempts, and slowly while starting and stopping, made my way downstairs. The TV is on, I'm just crying and staring mindlessly at the screen. Kingston is restless.... i just get this FEELING....and its not a good one.

Kingston kicks at me to get my attention or maybe he's protesting the fact that I am sad...NO, it's because I think in his way, he's trying to make me feel better. I really fucking hate my head a lot of times, it's not a place I've ever been fond of.... especially now.... the only 'good' parts of my mind, are the spaces occupied by my son, and our family. My son...though, he has my heart...

"I know buddy me too." I murmur, rubbing the spot where my son is still kicking away. "It'll be ok, I promise.... i love you...I...."

Suddenly, a news report comes on....and my blood goes cold....and my world crashes in....and my night really goes to HELL.

'Ratt guitarist Robbin Crosby, was found in his apartment....and has died of an apparent Heroin Overdose....'

I let loose an agonized, pained scream, like a desperate and wounded animal....

"No!!!.... Robbin.... why...why'd you fucking DIE?!!...you.... can't be dead....no...please...NO...." Kingston kicks me harshly, and I am in a tremendous amount of pain....as suddenly my water breaks, "No...Fucking NO....my w-water broke." I sob, feeling scared and in pain...running footsteps.... several.

"Nikki?! kid, you need to breath...."

I cut Mick off, "Robbin.... died.... he DIED....and...I'm in labor.... help me..." I cry desperately. I hear Paul calling an EMS, as Vince comes flying into view.

"You guys stay here with Hope, I'll let you know...come when you can." Vince says urgently and shit is really starting to get hazy....and I hear shouts of my name....and the sound of tears....

I wake up screaming.... freaking out, sobbing...body wracked by pain...a contraction...

"OW!!!! Motherfucker!!!"

"Nikki man, breathe, ok? I've got you." Vince. And Stephen? Maybe he must have called him?

The contraction passes...and I lay back spent, releasing my grip on the bar I used....

"I-I want...Robbin.... why.... Why'd this happen? I-I am scared.... Kingston...is .... he, ok?" Fearful, sobbing. My heart drops and beats faster somehow at the same time by the looks on their faces.

"Nikki..." Vince says slowly, "You've been out for hours, they...couldn't stop the labor....and.... Robbin, I...well he's alive.... they brought him back." Tears in his eyes.

"Nikki, I'm really fucking sorry....so sorry." Stephen cries, holding on to Vince's free hand desperately. "He's been given something...he was hysterical, to calm him down. He freaked they said, he wanted to get to YOU...." I cut him off with a scream, a contraction, and I felt Vince take my hand.

"You're in a lot of pain I know.... make it your BITCH. You got this man!" Vince encourages me, and my eyes widen as I realize I feel Kingston's head, and a strong urge to push.

"Doctor!! Get the Doctor!!" I freak, running footsteps....and I try not to shake as its confirmed: I'm ready to push. "Vinny...I can't man.... I can't. where's Paul....an' Mick?"

"You CAN.... i called, they are coming.... Hope is being taken to Mick's parents.... Nikki you gotta push man. I know it hurts." I whimper, and bear down with a scream...the metallic scent of blood hits my nose. I am feeling so fucking tired...exhausted, pained in my heart and in my body....

I push and push for an eternity, covered in sweat and tears.... until we're greeted with a loud cry...me sobbing in relief, in joy....and how bitter-fucking sweet this moment is. I feel like I am gonna pass out...but I push against the pain....

As Kingston is placed on my chest for skin to skin, and I realize that......

"Robbin.... he looks.... like his twin...." Kingston thankfully sounds healthy, though.... I am told they're taking him to the NICU as a precaution. "Hey son.... you're ok.... you're ok. Mommies got you; mommies got you." Kingston continues to cry; they take him from me to clean him....me sobbing at that before he's placed in my arms and calms as I talk to him some more albeit tearfully kissing his little forehead. "Hey again.... you look just like you're.... father." I swallow back a sob. "I wish.... he loved you like I do.... i wish.... anyway, I want you to have a connection of some sort with him....so I wanna name you Kingston James Crosby-Sixx. "I hear gasps from Stephen and Vince. "Open your eyes son.... please for me?" I whisper. And so...he does, and I gasp, "Y-You have my eyes...my eyes...." I murmur, "I love you...I love you so much."

I fell asleep right after this, maybe a few minutes later....not too sure, but I was out for I don't know how long, and would come to find out that Kingston was taken to the nursery after apparently they got milk from me, which I had no fucking clue on that....but it touched me to learn and...this is also when my husband would find himself meeting our son for the first time, though I didn't know it and it would also lead to our reunion where I would unleash my pent up fury, my emotions...everything on Robbin and it was a confrontation that would lead to us FINALLY working out our issues, and falling in love....truly falling in love, Robbin & I actually becoming friends along the way slowly but surely, and getting to actually know one another.

Death and Life for me, went hand in hand on that fateful Valentine's Day. Robbin's 'death', giving life...birth to our son. It was sure as fuck a memorable day. A painful and sudden labor, brought about by Robbin's overdose, I just remember such agonizing pain physical and mental.... I don't really remember calling out for Robbin, I believe it though. I know I did.

A/N: Here we have Nikki's POV of Robbin's overdose and what and all went on. Next chapter will pick up with where chapter 34 left off with Robbin and then chapter 36, we will see the highly emotional to say the least reunion of Robbin and Nikki.