Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 22- Gotta be Willing to Crash & Burn Part 2(Nikki Sixx)

Ok, families coming today....my 'parents': Mick and Paul...maybe I should tell them that? Knowing Mick though, he KNOWS cause its Mick. And damnit all, that dream with Robbin, the bitter-sweet as fuck one, it felt SO real.... but sadly, it never will be. So, a restless night, and not just for the dream and nightmares but because I kept waking up with the morning sickness, this kid is stubborn just like me, but also.... HIM.

Ugh, I fucking hate puking! And it was even worse surprisingly when I was detoxing on TOP of morning sickness, matter of fact I am doing that as we speak and feel like I'm running late even though I actually and I checked the time, am NOT.

I finally finish puking, clean my mouth out.... attempt to tame my wild mane of hair and dress and I gently rub my stomach, talking to my baby.

"I love you even though you're driving me crazy right now...S'not your fault. We're gonna go see Mick and Paul." I frown as I think of Vince and then the tears fall, which vainly I try to wipe away as I make my way to the 'meeting' area, which in my eyes is pretty snazzy and I find Mick and Paul already waiting, murmuring to one another....seeing how they are with one another hurts knowing that will never be me, as I without word plop down in a surprisingly comfortable chair. "Hey." Quietly, tearfully.

"You look like you had a rough night....and if I'm right, it hurts seeing Mick and I together." Paul starts, his gaze knowing and concerned.

I can't help but smirk slightly, "Mick has rubbed off on you..." But then my voice cracks, "Yes it DOES because it won't be me. And I kept throwing up most of the night."

"Kid..." Mick starts, "It will be one day. Though I know right now those are just words. You're healing Nikki, mentally and physically. You're TRYING and doing the right things. I can see how much you love your baby in your eyes. We won't stay too long; you need to rest." Damnit, he is right...still, I must admit...it means so much for him to say that I'm trying and doing the right things, I need to hear that.

"First off, thank you both...for your words and support...the love...and you're right, very much so." Here my tears start falling, "Please.... don't go yet.... i just...I mean, everything is so hard. I can't open to people I don't trust, like with my therapist. I KNOW now why I did drugs or want to.... i mean my shitty childhood, sexually abused, just abused period...abandonment issues, I was NEVER treated with love.... until Mӧtley and I don't know WHY OR HOW I seem to have feelings for Robbin. He...I mean...fed into my addictive personality, it was always his WAY.... i don't..." I feel arms around me: Mick and Paul both as best they can.

"We're family....and I know something of how you're feeling." Paul sighs, "You're opening TO us, that's a good thing even though it doesn't feel like it you're TRYING and we're not gonna let you down. I mean...with that I went thru..." Paul's voice cracks, "and the bullshit with Gene...finding love when I least expected it with Mick.... talk about him, let it all out with Crosby."

"Paul...my star, don't cry." Mick whispers, "I love you..." Mick turns to me, "He's right, but we won't push."

I take a deep breath, hands gently rubbing my stomach....my baby grounding me.

"Those...eyes, that smile.... INSANE sexual chemistry. He...he made me laugh, but then.... Heroin, the drugs.... even before he and I got too deep into it, that's all we ever did was each other and drugs, he didn't like when I wanted to go drinking or suggested going OUT. There was just something about him.... but he's broken me...how do I forgive him telling me to get rid of my baby? I resent him...the feelings I had, I guess I still have them...but I really, really didn't deserve this...he gets to do whatever and whoever he wants, he ABANDONED me and our child. And I am alone, I mean...I have you guys.... but still. This...is so hard...how the fuck do I tell my child their father didn't want them...that he's an ADDICT, like ME?"

"Sixx, you're still healing ok...and I know how much it hurts and will hurt....and you're coming to terms with things and healing....and Vince.... you're worried about that too...so am I.... i wish to GOD, I hadn't've been right in my feelings about you or him." Mick says quietly. He and Paul manage to share a kiss, making sure I am ok enough before they hold one another, staying close to me. "We went to see him before we came here." Mick adds on, and his face falls...tears gathering in his eyes, my heart fucking drops.

"I-I...I mean...I've written, and I still am...staying here another month, meaning two in total.... but Vinny.... I...he sounds so BROKEN. We're still repairing our friendship." I wipe away or try yet more tears, "he's got Razzle, and a broken heart and relationship...I mean...." Here I hesitate to voice this thought, "What if he kills himself or tries? I mean, God knows I've thought about it or wished it, nearly did it." My energy is gone, and quickly they tell me Hope is doing well and misses me and Mick and Paul help me to my room, and I conk the fuck out....and fucking naturally, DREAM:

"I don't understand YOU! Why? Why'd you sign the birth certificate? You said you didn't want him.... most of this year, you haven't spoken a fucking word to me! Your 'death' sent me into labor a month early Robbin!" I seem to be in a wheelchair, sobbing and fuming both and I am taken aback as Robbin starts sobbing, looking HUMAN and so sorrowful.

"Nikki...i...it was the drugs.... i was afraid.... i AM.... i didn't know how to ask for help, to tell you...that I was afraid to be a parent, just...I thought I didn't want him. I tried at first to get out of holding him, I didn't want to hurt our son any more than I have...but the instant I held that precious baby boy in my arms...I fell in love with him....i want to be in his life, I get why you wouldn't want to be...I am gonna get clean, I fucking swear to you."

"Say I believe you..." I sob almost hyperventilating, "THIS doesn't mean I forgive you. But if you TRULY want to be in our son's life and in MINE, you're gonna do this my way...and fucking step up."

"I promise you...I see it now Nikki, I wanna get to know you...and our son. I don't deserve that, but...thank you.... You're right, so right. I hope one day he can forgive me...because I am gonna be in Rehab for2 months at least. I regret so much...so fucking Much Nikki, I let you go...and I let Kingston go...and it's fucking killing me, its killing me."

Ya knows I never did open fully or much at all to my therapist, I kept up with the program during my stay in rehab.... i got clean, I had to for my son.... I didn't want to lose him. I opened more to my family, THAT was all the therapy I needed I've always said. I wasn't alone, I had my FAMILY that I made and my unborn son at the time. Robbin I was unaware was spiraling more without me, I wouldn't learn of that shit for a long time.... or at least when he overdosed...

Sadly, and I blamed myself at least in part, for EVEN thinking what I said about Vince.... because sadly, it would become a reality...not too long from this point in time. And Stephen STILL wouldn't or couldn't face Vince, he was still coming to terms and fighting his own personal demons.

A/N: A family visit, opening up...and a taste of things to come. Next chapter I am thinking about making it with Vince's 30 days in jail are up or during his last days in jail, stay tuned!