Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 29- Between Truth and Lies and In between (Nikki Sixx)

-Diary Entry- October 10, 1985

I've lived 1000 lives, and 1000 LIES this year.... this year has fucking sucked, no two ways about it, my falling deeper into my addictions.... Robbin introducing me to Heroin and me falling for that and somehow, falling for HIM...though him and the drugs, went hand in hand. Wild nights...wild days, or DAZES I should say. It took me a long time to admit to myself, that I deserved more, from Robbin, that I deserve to be LOVED, treated with respect, cared for....What drugs cost me was, Robbin....and now he's spiraling further and further, he I want to hate him so bad...I do, at least some....he screamed at me to get rid of our...my baby. He used me, broke me.... yet strange as it is to say: Heroin saved my life....so maybe I DO have Robbin to thank for that because it gave me a serious fucking reality check, it got me sober...gave me, as I've just found out...my precious son, my boy.... the greatest reason to stay sober and be the parent, mother he deserves. Vince ended up going with me, which was surprising, and we brought Hope with us, to give Mick and Paul some needed alone time.

Oh yes, Vince.... I'll get back to that in a moment. July-September, so the past few months have been a shit fest not just for me, but for Poor Vince...Stephen Pearcy the jealous asshole, ok jealous UNFAITHFUL asshole, broke up with Vince...let him go, used him....didn't trust Vince and yet despite how I'd done Vince, when the chips were down and I confronted Robbin, Vince had my fucking back, but it lead...to Vince...being broken like me, broken hearted, broken spirit and lead to Razzle's death, Vince's stint in jail and then....Vince's overdose and Mick saving his life, what just a couple of weeks ago? Or a month?

And speaking of Vince, see self? I got back to it...but yeah Vinny, he was in recovery at the hospital for about 2 weeks, no 3.... matter of fact, he'd just gotten out of the hospital a few days ago and just like with me, they took Vince in....so he's moved in and so far, I think its helping distract him somewhat. Vince told me earlier today after my appointment, him humming a lullaby to get Hope to sleep for her afternoon nap that..., "I can't go back to how I was.... i killed myself...I mean was this how you've felt? A-at least in part? Damn, I feel like I understand more. Still the HEARTACHE, won't go away.... I couldn't do this without you, without the family we've made for ourselves. I'm still coming to terms with Stephen AND Razzle, Razzle.... i mean all this is scary."

To which I'd replied and in tears by the way, "Yeah...I've felt like you are, I've been there. I know too damn well how it FEELS. This, you don't have to be alone any more.... We're getting back to how we were as friends, still despite the way I did you, when the chips were down you had my back. And the heartache? Well, I wish I could help there.... being with Mick and Paul, having their support, helping take care of Hope, its...it distracts you during the day but at night....and in your dreams, those dreams and nightmares come. I struggle, still with trying to know why I fell in love.... with Robbin of all people."

I wasn't lying, I DO still struggle with figuring out my feelings for him. I guess it was his smile, him being protective, though I didn't realize that. those dark eyes, the way those brows would furrow.... best way I can think of it, is he just...had something about him, he had this WAY. Of course, the sex, I can't lie was fucking mind-blowing and we were adventurous to say the least. Key word being 'were', but even that got to where it wasn't enough. Drugs I guess were a factor, but it was always his way or the damn highway. He was selfish, he was rude.... yet my heart still can't let him go and I still can't forgive him for screaming what he did at me, to get rid of our son.... speaking of our son....

As I write this with one hand, the other is on my stomach. Feeling him move and it seems nudge against me, wanting my attention....

-Break in Diary Entry-

My son's moving increases.... worrying me for a moment, so I quit writing and caress my already big swollen stomach....

"Hey buddy.... calm down, ok? You just wanted mommies' full attention.... You..." I freeze as I well a strange sensation, that nudging I just felt, and it happens again....and now I am realizing that....my son is kicking.... WOW." I quickly dissolve into tears, "You're saying 'hey' to Mommy...wow....so this is what this is like. Damn...its...beautiful. I never thought I'd say that or want that. I love you, God do I love you.... i just wish, your father wanted you.... wanted US. It his loss.... but still I fucking miss him ya know?" I calm down, feeling my son move and continue to kick away and then I have to piss for an eternity and then on the heels of that, I raid the kitchen for my cravings and then waddle, yes waddle back to my room, of course checking on Vince who seems to be practicing on his guitar and Mick and Paul check on me as well....and finally, my son for now calm....i pick up my pen and write once again, the tears still falling....

-Diary Entry continues-

----So where was I? Oh yes, my precious, and I do mean precious son. He needs a name....god, I haven't even thought of....DAMN IT...it all goes back to Robbin....well, maybe our son....my son should have more than just a blood connection or a sperm donation or so it seems...the name....I've got it, and talk about bitter-sweet: Kingston, I really just think it suits him....i get the feeling Kingston I guess it will be takes after his father and will look exactly like him. I could be wrong...but anyway, Kingston is kicking me again now, gently yet eagerly almost as if he knows. Now, for a middle name, hmm......James, that I must admit sounds cute...so Kingston James it is, Kingston being of course for Robbin 'The king' Crosby. So, I guess another connection and about the only link to his father. I wish Robbin was here, that he cared.... despite everything, I care about him, love him...but I don't trust him, and I find it hard to forgive.

It's killing me, to see Robbin kill himself....

Ok, fuck it...switching topics now, before I have yet another breakdown...

Pregnancy, damn...my thighs even bigger, getting stretch marks.... belly constantly itching due to Kingston stretching it, mood swings on top of my already fragile/interesting mental state, cravings of the sexual (lots of getting myself off) and the food cravings. Really all this freaked me out bad at first, but Paul.... he's been a huge help, telling me of his own pregnancy with his and Mick's daughter, how he felt...so a huge support.

Kingston is growing and healthy, more than I could ever have hoped for. I'd been so scared, still am...to lose him, the drugs...I'd tried to take before I knew...I still feel guilty as fuck over.

....... I am feeling exhausted, so I head now to take a nap.... Provided Kingston lets me, we'll see. Doesn't matter, all that does....is I have him.

-End of Entry-

A/N: Nikki's thoughts, some goings on....and more. Next chapter will be at least 2 parts...Vince and Stephen meeting in person....it won't be pretty but may lead ultimately to where they are destined to be and then things after will start moving on and up time wise.... Well, you will see, stay tuned.