Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 37- I wanna Know WHY.... (Nikki Sixx)

I THOUGHT....key word THOUGHT, that.... i could keep it together, I was wrong.... feeling a swirl of emotions: fear, rage...worry...PAIN...sheer pain. I couldn't help but break down and just now barely managing to tell Robbin...the man that has ruined my life, put me thru HELL yet also strangely has ended up saving it.... that we needed to TALK.

Could this have been my fate? Yes...sadly...YES. Robbin is a shadow of his former self: thin......so thin, yet somehow much more HUMAN that he was before. It HURTS seeing him again after so long, SUFFERING for so long because of him.... FOR him, since I've given birth to our son. But oh, he will SEE that his actions, have some serious consequences....

Robbin is in tears, fearful of what I am trying to say.... yet all the same is knowing, the air is thick with tension, and he goes to say something, and I cut him off...quick, still sobbing but giving in to my rising anger...my emotion.

"Shut the fuck up and LISTEN." I snarl, "Do you have any fucking idea of the HELL, you've put me thru?! Do you..." Voice rising with every word. "—You got me addicted to HEROIN of all things, you used me...you got PLEASURE out of bringing me to my knees, your selfish bastard...you only cared about getting off, using me for Sex. I wanted more from you...with YOU. But no, you didn't LIKE me suggesting otherwise. You never listened to me, it was always KING Crosby's way or the fucking highway. The sex, I admit.... was mind-blowing.... but that's all there was between us, we didn't really know each other.... You didn't want to know ME. I damn well deserve BETTER. Then.... you.... you...SCREAMED at me to get rid of OUR son, you weren't THERE for my pregnancy, you told me I wasn't fun anymore. Fuck YOU for that. I wanna know WHY.... why...wasn't I good enough for you? Why did you never care.... why did you CHOOSE drugs over your family...over ME and our son....and speaking of our son...WHY the fuck do you seemingly care NOW?!! You signed his birth certificate.... you...you..." I break down further, trying to breathe and calm enough to speak. The soreness from the birth...everything hurts. "I saw.... your 'death' on the news....do you have any idea ROBBIN.... what that did to me.... i went into a sudden and incredibly painful labor....and that I had FALLEN for you, and I also HATE you...can you understand how that FEELS?" I finish head in my hands, breathing heavily, unable to look at him any longer., spent from unleashing my heart ache, my anger....

"N-Nikki.... I...I...am.... SORRY...SO FUCKING.... SORRY...I know that those words don't mean shit and you don't trust me. I.... you're right...so...sadly fucking right. I didn't want help; I didn't know HOW to ask for help. I was...am scared to be a father, I didn't know how to tell you that. and I didn't REALIZE just how much.... You kept me together. You j-just had this way, I never...EVER SHOULD have used you like I did, you.... you...could have been easily in my place. I CHOSE drugs over you, I hurt you....and I nearly killed you...I...was...such a selfish bastard, I ruined your life....so many lives.... Nikki.... i am...starting to see....and it fucking HURTS." Sobbing much as I am right now and there is a strange note to his voice that makes me look up at him as he says hesitating, "I....SAW you.....um....i thought I was dreaming...when I DIED....you were sitting on the couch watching tv, you had on your favorite t-shirt...with...the, bleach stain on it. You...and I saw...my death.... you're screams.... those agonizing screams.... your water broke...I told you...I was sorry, so sorry.... that I was right there.... you didn't .... see me...."

My jaw drops, "You...you...really...saw that?"

"YES.... i could have.... killed you and our son...I owe you a huge fucking apology. Nikki I want...I don't deserve it, but I wanna earn someday your forgiveness and I want....things I thought I'd never wanted, convinced myself I didn't want....YOU and...Kingston....and to answer your questions on him....i woke up, after...well Vince and Stephen had told me I was hysterical when I was in the EMS...they knocked me out, I cried out for you...that I had to get you....and at some point I found my self walking towards the NICU.....i saw him....so tiny...so beautiful. He's my twin...he has your STUNNING eyes...at first, I tried...to get out of holding him, but when I DID I fell in love....i didn't think I could love something so much...no love him so much seeing him for the first time....i missed out on everything....i can't do that anymore, not to you...not to him. I fear losing him forever, for losing you...Nikki, I am...I'm going to rehab. I won't survive again without it, Kingston...and YOU give me something to fight for. And...I know it will still take time...for things to get better."

He's for the first time....in all the time I've known him: being honest, being HUMAN.... sorrow, regret, he's seeing the light.... this all feels like a dream, but I must tell him....

I wheel closer, almost enough to touch him......

"If.... i...let you...I mean..." I fumble, "for the first fucking time, you're being HONEST with me. And it will take time, this...is a big first step in the right direction. I want to get to know YOU the real you, to be friends...get to KNOW EACH OTHER....and maybe.... more." I find myself saying, Robbin staring at me in shock.

"Wow.... you...you really mean that?" Hopeful.

"Yes. I do." I find I very much mean that. "I heard...you've already, started detoxing." Robbin turns green at this point but manages for now not to get sick.

"Yeah, fucking sucks, the withdrawals.... i know it sucked that much more for you, with our son." Robbin takes some steadying breaths, "Why did you name Kingston after me? I don't feel I deserve that."

I sigh heavily, "I thought even if you didn't want him.... that he should have a connection with you...and...because I loved you deep down."

"I find I DO want him, I wanna be the father I never had. I hated my old man, he hated me.... i didn't want to be that kind of father.... I WANNA be better for him, for YOU Nikki. You both deserve the world.... THANK YOU, thank you for giving me Kingston.... for just listening and talking to me, telling me...SHOWING me what I needed to see, to hear."

I have what I thought was lost: hope....us...Robbin and I turning over a new leaf. It won't be easy...or maybe it will, we shall see.

I am fucking exhausted, and Robbin gets concerned...worried.

"Nikki, I...you need to rest. I know this has taken a lot out of you. I am calling for the nurse...or...fuck it..." Robbin shakily, gets to his feet...nearly falling, as he manages to start wheeling me towards my room, shocking the shit out of me.

"You...didn't have to do that....and...how did you know where my..." I mentally smack myself, figuring Vince or someone told him. I feel the tears gather once more, "Thank you." We manage to make it to my room, Robbin trembling as he helps me...wow, helps me in bed and gets caught by the nurse, who then despite his protests puts him in the wheelchair.

"Wait.... please." Robbin tells her before turning to me, "I didn't realize how much it would kill me to see you walk away, how much it kills me to leave you NOW. I fucking swear to you Nikki Sixx, I won't...let you down anymore, nor our son. I will fight for you both."

For the first time, I believed him.... maybe it was always there, but when we had our talk....i saw things I hadn't before, and by the end of it, it gave me hope and it led to where he and I were destined to be: together. Course we still had our issues to work on or work out...but we'd come to do so....

A/N: An emotional reunion, hope perhaps now for the future.... the next several chapters will see or deal with Robbin going to rehab.