Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 18- Here's Where Things go to Hell (Vince Neil)

So, a few days have passed, and I have finally given an answer to a party, 'yes'.... probably a fucking bad idea. But it was a 'yes', largely I don't want to. But then again, maybe it wouldn't kill me to be social and Tommy's coming by soon and he's bringing Razzle and naturally everyone will show up.... most everyone, parties at my place, Tommy having argued its bigger and I have a pool.... waiting now on them and of course.... i think of Stephen, cause no matter what.... i can't let go....and move on, like I need.... or is it healing? DO I truly want to move on and forget the person i wanted to be my one? 

"Why can't I heal.... let you go? Like you let me go?" I whisper into the silence crying, as I finish setting things up for a party, a party I don't want and yet do, I kind of miss in a way being around people and I don't need to be alone. Things are REALLY fixing to go to hell for me and to this day, I wish I'd have said 'fuck no' to the party.... heartbreak and extreme amounts of alcohol are as it turns out a lethal combo.

"Dude!! It's Tommy! Get your ass off the couch!" Comes from the direction of my door, scaring the crap out of me and I nearly FALL off the couch and open the door to find Tommy and Razzle. "Bout time dude!"

"All right their mate?" Razzle asks, concerned. No, I'm not and I don't think I ever will be....

"No.... but I need to be sociable, I guess. Nothing like some hard drinking to make you forget." NOTHING WILL MAKE ME FORGET.... THE WOUND IS STILL TOO FRESH.

"Damn you DO need this." Razzle declares barging into the house, practically dragging me with him as I hear Tommy slam the door and I blink, and he'd downed half a bottle of Jack. I raise an eyebrow, deciding to tease him.... though I don't feel like it....

"You've been here all of five seconds Razz, think about saving some for the party huh?" Aaaand...it gone already, may as well get this party started.

"You could join me ya know?" Razzle points out, words start to slur.

"Dudes got a point Vinny!" Tommy bounces in place......oh well, here goes nothing.... Wait, where's Warren?

"Yeah, Yeah T-Bone.... wait where's Warren?"

"He's coming, he was trying to---"

I cut Tommy off already knowing, "Stephen? Thanks, but it obviously w-won't work." Bitter, starting to cry....and I down whatever Razzle hands me....and again, I blink and the parties in full swing...a crush of people, Warren is here....and even HE reminds me of Steven. I am still alone, people drinking.... making out, hell even having sex.... I drink and drink, kind of chatting with Tommy and Razzle, Razzle doing his damndest to make me laugh....

Things are becoming a blur, not knowing which way is up....

We've reached ONE of the lowest times of my life....one of the worst things I've ever done and the fallout that comes from what's about to happen, so many times I'd wished it HAD of kill me and in a way....it almost did...

"Dudes!! We're outta booze....an' I'm too drunk an' high." Tommy suddenly announces so fast, I don't know what the fuck he really just said, something about booze.

"We should get some then mates!" Razzle declares, completely on board.... i don't know if this is a good idea, I'm not that steady on my feet.... not black out drunk either, maybe I can do this? Yeah, i wasn't thinking straight AT ALL.  Ultimately, I decide I'll go and Razzle volunteers to ride shot gun and as we make our way into the night, things seem very much distorted.... Razzle telling me some wild and crazy story, me laughing....and suddenly, lights blind me....and I hear the screech and crunch of metal, vaguely feeling pain....and it all fades to black....

What happened? Why does my forehead throb and feel sticky.... something feels like it's in my lap. My leg.... God, my fucking leg!!! Did I wreck? I've crashed...oh god, oh GOD!!!

"Look at t-the pretty Christmas lights." Razzle's voice brings me back to reality, as I find myself staring down into his eyes and I lose it....

"Razz...no...NO!!.... i am so fucking.... SORRY.... I never.... never meant to.... FUCK.... ok.... you're gonna be ok! I p-promise.... I promise!!!" I vaguely realize I hear sirens. "Don't go...don't go..." I whispered, sobbing.

"T-They're pretty man.... S'not your fault.... not your fault...." Razzle lets out a raspy breath and goes limp....NO!! blood, a lot of blood.... we wrecked.... i didn't mean.... i killed him...I never.... i shouldn't have.... i shouldn't have said 'no'.... i should have said no....it should be me....it should be me!!

"C-Come...back.... Razz.... PLEASE." I BEG sobbing.... trying to rouse him....my leg fucking hurts!! maybe its broken, I know I am....and what hurts even more? Is Stephen.... I've truly lost everything now; I have made the biggest mistake of my life! "Razzle.... don't do this to me man...don't DIE on me.... i am so sorry, it should have been me....it SHOULD be.... please.... forgive me...." And once again.... everything fades to black.

Now you know, Razzle died in my arms...not my lap to be technical, yeah you get me though. The people in the other vehicle were fine, though I'd come to learn the front of their car was smashed in, mine of course was totaled. I killed my friend, and it's something that I still struggle to live with at times and realize just because I made a SERIOUS AS FUCK error in judgment, I wasn't a monster, that I deserved love and happiness. Back then though? I wanted it to be me to have died from their injuries, it would turn out I had a broken leg and a gash on my forehead. They didn't wait for me to heal I can tell you, before I wound up sentenced to 30 days in jail because of me being charged with Vehicular manslaughter. What made it EVEN worse as you all know is Stephen. He didn't help....it only further divided us, not just necessarily because of what I did, but because Stephen couldn't face me for breaking my heart, thinking he'd only make it worse...when I really needed him, I reached out...REACHED out to him, even if as a friend....and it only served to break my heart further. He wasn't there for me, like I wanted and needed him to be...I had lost it all...well not EVERYTHING. I still had my family: Mick & Paul and little Hope, Even Nikki still struggling in rehab trying to heal and get better for his baby, Tommy, and hell Warren.... stuck by me, as well as Juan and Bobby reached out to me. THEY I felt couldn't judge me or they didn't, because they too had done shit they regret and wish to God they could take back.

When you next see me, I'll be serving my 30 days in jail and where our tale continues is with my husband, then former lover: Stephen Pearcy, who was struggling without me....and would only come to add MORE hurt to my life, because he couldn't face me. Things wouldn't sadly be right to come for some time between us....

A/N: Sadly, we have reached the inevitable and this was hard to write, got me emotional. In the end perhaps redemption shall be and will be found, won't be easy and perhaps too eventually love can be saved and hearts will be healed.